Choose Life

I need to be vulnerable with you now by giving a realistic snapshot of where I was at in my life when I got the breast cancer diagnosis. I am a stay-at-home mom who’s kids are middle school age and attend school full time (tough job some might say). I’ve been happily married for fourteen years to a wonderful, kind, and generous man. When I say happily I really mean it, we don’t fight much, we are solid and I believe our relationship is one of the happiest I know. I am provided for and I want for nothing. There is no stress in my life, no big conflicts, no quantifiable unhappiness to dwell on. Basically, I’m living the dream. But, deep down that old Peggy Lee tune would creep into my subconscious; “Is that all there is? Is that all there is? If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing, let’s break out the booze and have a ball, If that’s all, there is.” And I really was breaking out the booze, a lot of it, because I was meant for something more, something bigger than myself, something with eternal satisfaction and reward and I couldn’t find it. The booze could give the illusion I was living a big life but it always left me feeling empty and small the next morning. I was giving up on my boys (and my husband). My thinking has been, if my husband doesn’t believe in God then all my efforts to lead the boys spiritually is really for nothing. They look to John for the example and the values that they are going to model their lives after and if he repeatedly shows them that God is not important to him, then statistics show God is not going to be important to them either. I was giving up territory and spiritual authority in my home and it was starting to show. I was depressed and not really living, I was weary, pushed down and pressed out. My biggest source of frustration comes from the television. I believe that television is an instrument of the devil to break up families, to mind control the narrative in politics and belief systems, a means to lure people into a passivity that focus’ only on the next game, the next play off, the next season, the next “whatever” while people forget to get outside and actually live the next game, do the next thing for themselves rather than plugging in and watching others do it. We were in a family rut and I could not see any way out of it. Then cancer enters stage right and suddenly life really IS short. It was a bucket of cold water in the face of zombie-like habits. Was I going to fight or was I going to be done. It’s tempting to be done. I joked with my husband, “Hey, it’s been great, but bye now.” Because I’ve been terrified to see my boys grow up to renounce their faith, or not engage in it. I’ve been terrified that they would dive off the safe path straight into harms way because I had failed them as a mother. I was tempted to skip the end of the movie and go straight to heaven where life’s pain wouldn’t be a reality I would have to deal with anymore. This is the emotional space I was in when I first faced cancer.

No, cancer is not a death sentence, I realize that. But it’s also not wine, roses and endless sunsets. It’s a health crisis and it requires serious attention. It can have deadly consequences and it is a wake up call. As I tell John and the boys the diagnosis, I can see it shift something in our home. I can see it begin to reprioritize the important things above the unimportant. It nags at us all the time, asking us if this is really how we want to spend our time or is there a better option to be had. It often asks, “Do you choose life today and what does that look like.”

Anne Graham Lotz addresses this in a blog titled  What Cancer Can Do. She writes,
“Cancer can . . . Enrich love
Cancer can . . . Refocus hope
Cancer can . . . Strengthen faith
Cancer can . . . Deepen prayer
Cancer can . . . Command peace
Cancer can . . . Bolster confidence
Cancer can . . . Increase endurance
Cancer can . . . Multiply friendships
Cancer can . . . Enhance memories
Cancer can . . . Open doors
Cancer can . . . Realign priorities
Cancer can . . . Grow courage
Cancer can . . . Create empathy
Cancer can . . . Tenderize compassion
Cancer can . . . Develop character
Cancer can be a blessing in disguise.
Cancer can be the preliminary to bearing much eternal fruit.
Cancer can be a display case for God’s glory.”

Anne is so right! This Fearless Journey Into The Unknown is exactly what I’ve been looking for, a way forward out of the fog by heading straight into it. A significant path riddled with hard choices emerged that has the potential to bring refinement and purpose where there was stagnation and despair. This diagnosis has the potential to bring change to my whole family, not just me. It could touch anyone and everyone who knows me or comes in contact with me. A cancer journey has the right amount of “moanies” already built in. If I let God take control and lean into the pain and uncertainty those “moanies” have the capability to come together and make a most beautiful testimony.

The blessings abound just like Anne described.

Enriched love, you have no idea. My husband has been caring for me in a way I didn’t even know was part of his DNA. He can’t bear seeing me in pain and when the pain is too much and all I can do is let the tears flow he so tenderly strokes my skin and just holds me. I’ve never been in such a vulnerable place before, and he has never needed to care for me before. How were we ever going to know just how deep and selfless our love is if we hadn’t had the blessing of it being threatened to be cut off prematurely or without trial?

Refocused hope is back in my home. I have hope and renewed strength to take back my spiritual authority. I am still the sanctified wife and I have the hope to continue to walk under that pressure. I have so much new vision for revival right in my own backyard. As the Bible says.

Proverbs 13:12 NLT. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.”

I am ready to see my dreams fulfilled!

Strengthened faith is exactly what has emerged because God has been showing up big by personally showing me He cares, He loves, He heals. There is nothing like a personal encounter with the Lord Himself. I invited Him in to shed light on these dark times and He gladly comes in and does what only He can do.

Deepened prayer has naturally occurred because my prayer life has suddenly became way more focused. I now know what I need to be fighting for, asking for and giving thanks for. It’s become so clear what I need to work on, repent of and be delivered from. I desire to be a part of the billion soul revival, I still want to do the spiritual warfare necessary to establish His Kingdom here on earth. I draw so much comfort from my prayer life because it has deepened my relationship with Him. There are long, sleepless nights and I find peace by talking to God the whole night through. I just lay my head on His chest and let Him keep me until morning.

Commanded peace comes from releasing all that I can not control into the hands of Him who can. I can control very little that these cancer treatments throw my way but I can trust that He is shielding me and lifting me up. As I submit my fears, my pain, my uncertainty to Him I find peace that exceeds anything I can understand (Philippians 4:7 NLT). If I know that even death has no sting because of my belief in Jesus, I have nothing to be concerned about (1 Corinthians 15:55 NLT).

Bolstered confidence has come out of the hair loss. I was losing so much hair and my scalp has been so sensitive that I ended up having my sister shave it all off. Going out in public actually looking “sick” has been something I want to shy away from but hey, I’m still here and this is temporary so I’m just doing it. My girlfriend always says, “We’re doing it live!” and she is so right. I worry about my husband being turned off by me. Let’s face it, I look like a molting turkey. But, he only leans in to kiss me with more compassion than ever because he sees the toll this treatment is taking on my body when I was so apparently healthy to start. It builds my confidence in his love.

Increased endurance is a no-brainer. At the half way mark, I’ll be honest, I have zero interest in pursuing anymore of these treatments. I had an allergic reaction to one of the chemo drugs that caused me to struggle breathing, flush out and feel like I was about to float out of the room. The Benadryl they quickly gave me added the shakes and some nausea to boot. There are dangerous complications that can occur but again who knows if and what those might be for your particular situation. All you can do is just do the next thing and deal with whatever may come your way. I am doing the marathon not the mile. The week long recovery can only be accomplished one day at a time, one hour at time. It’s pointless to worry about what tomorrow might bring.

Matthew 6:34 NLT “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

Multiplied friendships has been the best part of this. I have been lacking in the friendship department. I have my tight group of devoted, long-standing friendships but I do not have a large collection of fun girlfriends that you can have a girl’s night out with or hit the streets of Vegas with. I long for that jovial, witty laughter and freedom that only certain girlfriend groups can offer. I think after a certain age you just settle into a family routine and you forget who you were as an independent woman. When you are in a health crisis and you need help and support, that help and support seems to appear out of the most unpredictable people. The people who have shown up at this time really have proven to me that those fun times and friendships are waiting to be cultivated if I will just pay attention and say, “yes”.

Enhanced memories, most definitely. I go to endless baseball games for my son and I’m thankful to be there when before I found it a drudgery. We take a walk as a family and it suddenly feels special. I get to drive my son to and from school, I realize now that I’ve been missing that “chore”. It’s all a matter of perspective. These things feel like a privilege now, not something to be taken for granted.

Cancer has opened up doors and avenues and groups of people to me that I would never otherwise had access to. I’ve suddenly found a new platform to express myself and new territory to explore. There is new wisdom and understanding to be gleaned from a whole group of women that have gone through cancer before me. There are places I’ve never been that I’m suddenly frequenting and because of that I’m being introduced to new faces. All of these new exposures have the potential to open doors to endless possibilities.

Realigned priorities is a must. I can’t leave the house for so many weeks at a time that when I finally can I make sure it’s for the best reasons. I’m a compulsive house cleaner, now I don’t have the energy to waste on some of that stuff. I’d rather go have lunch with a friend. Working out has always been a priority but I’ve found myself doing yard work on that hot day instead. I could spend my days in bed watching endless shows and movies but instead I’ve found it a joy to work on this blog. Time is a commodity and I’m more motivated than ever to spend it wisely.

Courage is being grown and stretched and demanded with each visit to the cancer clinic. Being pumped full of drugs is not an ideal thing to have to endure no matter what the desired outcome is. Wearing the DigniCap is uncomfortable at best and having an adverse reaction to something is always a possibility. The after effects can be a moving target, what you felt one week isn’t necessarily going to be the norm for the next. You have to have courage to keep going back. You have to have courage to shave your head. You have to have courage to share your story. With each new stretch of yourself you find that you are way more capable than you might have thought possible. There is a fighting warrior inside of you and with each new brave step, she emerges.

I thought that I was an empathetic person but I realize now that I didn’t have a clue. If you haven’t been through something yourself, trust me, you don’t know what that person is going through. Even my wildest imagination did not prepare me for this cancer journey. I feel ashamed for all the dumb stuff I’ve probably said over the years to people going through stuff. No one has offended me or said anything to me that was wrong, I just now know what I didn’t know before. I have been brought to a place of deep humility in all of this. My empathy has been deepened because of this first hand knowledge.

Tenderized compassion goes hand in hand with the empathy. I never knew just how difficult these different treatments can be and how it affects the whole family and friend nucleus. You are surrounded by people going through tough times. It might not be cancer specifically but whatever it might be can be devastating that stranger’s life and all they hold dear. There is an unknown lurking behind every person you meet, an unknown stress perhaps, a loss, or a trouble. Why is the cashier being super short and unprofessional? Why is your kid’s teacher missing a ton of school days? Why is your neighbor reluctant to say hi at the mailbox? It’s not always about us. We need compassion for the unseen pain in people’s lives. I need a free pass sometimes and I’ve been much more willing to give out free passes because I have learned that everyone is struggling with something and just because I’m not privy to the exact nature of the struggle doesn’t mean I shouldn’t extend the curtesy of compassion anyway.

All of these lessons come out of the fire of refinement and so does the development of character. The lessons can be painfully learned or easily applied. They can be had begrudgingly or welcomed with open arms. Either way, they will be learned. And if you miss the lesson now, believe me, it will keep presenting itself in different ways until you get it. I’d rather try to be a good student but even so I’ve had to see things from many different angles before I could say I’ve learned that specific lesson. We can get so wrapped up in our own stuff that we fail to see those suffering around us. Jesus wants us to love people the way He does and it starts with seeing the need so that we can fill it, come along side it, or point it back to Him.

It’s so weird to say this but cancer can heal. I’m living proof of that. I am revived. I am willing. I am excited. I choose life!