Battle, Cancer, Character, Christianity, Courage, Friendship, Love

Choose Life

Sally

I need to be vulnerable with you now by giving a realistic snapshot of where I was at in my life when I got the breast cancer diagnosis. I am a stay-at-home mom who’s kids are middle school age and attend school full time (tough job some might say). I’ve been happily married for fourteen years to a wonderful, kind, and generous man. When I say happily I really mean it, we don’t fight much, we are solid and I believe our relationship is one of the happiest I know. I am provided for and I want for nothing. There is no stress in my life, no big conflicts, no quantifiable unhappiness to dwell on. Basically, I’m living the dream. But, deep down that old Peggy Lee tune would creep into my subconscious; “Is that all there is? Is that all there is? If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing, let’s break out the booze and have a ball, If that’s all, there is.” And I really was breaking out the booze, a lot of it, because I was meant for something more, something bigger than myself, something with eternal satisfaction and reward and I couldn’t find it. The booze could give the illusion I was living a big life but it always left me feeling empty and small the next morning. I was giving up on my boys (and my husband). My thinking has been, if my husband doesn’t believe in God then all my efforts to lead the boys spiritually is really for nothing. They look to John for the example and the values that they are going to model their lives after and if he repeatedly shows them that God is not important to him, then statistics show God is not going to be important to them either. I was giving up territory and spiritual authority in my home and it was starting to show. I was depressed and not really living, I was weary, pushed down and pressed out. My biggest source of frustration comes from the television. I believe that television is an instrument of the devil to break up families, to mind control the narrative in politics and belief systems, a means to lure people into a passivity that focus’ only on the next game, the next play off, the next season, the next “whatever” while people forget to get outside and actually live the next game, do the next thing for themselves rather than plugging in and watching others do it. We were in a family rut and I could not see any way out of it. Then cancer enters stage right and suddenly life really IS short. It was a bucket of cold water in the face of zombie-like habits. Was I going to fight or was I going to be done. It’s tempting to be done. I joked with my husband, “Hey, it’s been great, but bye now.” Because I’ve been terrified to see my boys grow up to renounce their faith, or not engage in it. I’ve been terrified that they would dive off the safe path straight into harms way because I had failed them as a mother. I was tempted to skip the end of the movie and go straight to heaven where life’s pain wouldn’t be a reality I would have to deal with anymore. This is the emotional space I was in when I first faced cancer.

No, cancer is not a death sentence, I realize that. But it’s also not wine, roses and endless sunsets. It’s a health crisis and it requires serious attention. It can have deadly consequences and it is a wake up call. As I tell John and the boys the diagnosis, I can see it shift something in our home. I can see it begin to reprioritize the important things above the unimportant. It nags at us all the time, asking us if this is really how we want to spend our time or is there a better option to be had. It often asks, “Do you choose life today and what does that look like.”

Anne Graham Lotz addresses this in a blog titled  What Cancer Can Do. She writes,
“Cancer can . . . Enrich love
Cancer can . . . Refocus hope
Cancer can . . . Strengthen faith
Cancer can . . . Deepen prayer
Cancer can . . . Command peace
Cancer can . . . Bolster confidence
Cancer can . . . Increase endurance
Cancer can . . . Multiply friendships
Cancer can . . . Enhance memories
Cancer can . . . Open doors
Cancer can . . . Realign priorities
Cancer can . . . Grow courage
Cancer can . . . Create empathy
Cancer can . . . Tenderize compassion
Cancer can . . . Develop character
Cancer can be a blessing in disguise.
Cancer can be the preliminary to bearing much eternal fruit.
Cancer can be a display case for God’s glory.”

Anne is so right! This Fearless Journey Into The Unknown is exactly what I’ve been looking for, a way forward out of the fog by heading straight into it. A significant path riddled with hard choices emerged that has the potential to bring refinement and purpose where there was stagnation and despair. This diagnosis has the potential to bring change to my whole family, not just me. It could touch anyone and everyone who knows me or comes in contact with me. A cancer journey has the right amount of “moanies” already built in. If I let God take control and lean into the pain and uncertainty those “moanies” have the capability to come together and make a most beautiful testimony.

The blessings abound just like Anne described.

Enriched love, you have no idea. My husband has been caring for me in a way I didn’t even know was part of his DNA. He can’t bear seeing me in pain and when the pain is too much and all I can do is let the tears flow he so tenderly strokes my skin and just holds me. I’ve never been in such a vulnerable place before, and he has never needed to care for me before. How were we ever going to know just how deep and selfless our love is if we hadn’t had the blessing of it being threatened to be cut off prematurely or without trial?

Refocused hope is back in my home. I have hope and renewed strength to take back my spiritual authority. I am still the sanctified wife and I have the hope to continue to walk under that pressure. I have so much new vision for revival right in my own backyard. As the Bible says.

Proverbs 13:12 NLT. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.”

I am ready to see my dreams fulfilled!

Strengthened faith is exactly what has emerged because God has been showing up big by personally showing me He cares, He loves, He heals. There is nothing like a personal encounter with the Lord Himself. I invited Him in to shed light on these dark times and He gladly comes in and does what only He can do.

Deepened prayer has naturally occurred because my prayer life has suddenly became way more focused. I now know what I need to be fighting for, asking for and giving thanks for. It’s become so clear what I need to work on, repent of and be delivered from. I desire to be a part of the billion soul revival, I still want to do the spiritual warfare necessary to establish His Kingdom here on earth. I draw so much comfort from my prayer life because it has deepened my relationship with Him. There are long, sleepless nights and I find peace by talking to God the whole night through. I just lay my head on His chest and let Him keep me until morning.

Commanded peace comes from releasing all that I can not control into the hands of Him who can. I can control very little that these cancer treatments throw my way but I can trust that He is shielding me and lifting me up. As I submit my fears, my pain, my uncertainty to Him I find peace that exceeds anything I can understand (Philippians 4:7 NLT). If I know that even death has no sting because of my belief in Jesus, I have nothing to be concerned about (1 Corinthians 15:55 NLT).

Bolstered confidence has come out of the hair loss. I was losing so much hair and my scalp has been so sensitive that I ended up having my sister shave it all off. Going out in public actually looking “sick” has been something I want to shy away from but hey, I’m still here and this is temporary so I’m just doing it. My girlfriend always says, “We’re doing it live!” and she is so right. I worry about my husband being turned off by me. Let’s face it, I look like a molting turkey. But, he only leans in to kiss me with more compassion than ever because he sees the toll this treatment is taking on my body when I was so apparently healthy to start. It builds my confidence in his love.

Increased endurance is a no-brainer. At the half way mark, I’ll be honest, I have zero interest in pursuing anymore of these treatments. I had an allergic reaction to one of the chemo drugs that caused me to struggle breathing, flush out and feel like I was about to float out of the room. The Benadryl they quickly gave me added the shakes and some nausea to boot. There are dangerous complications that can occur but again who knows if and what those might be for your particular situation. All you can do is just do the next thing and deal with whatever may come your way. I am doing the marathon not the mile. The week long recovery can only be accomplished one day at a time, one hour at time. It’s pointless to worry about what tomorrow might bring.

Matthew 6:34 NLT “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

Multiplied friendships has been the best part of this. I have been lacking in the friendship department. I have my tight group of devoted, long-standing friendships but I do not have a large collection of fun girlfriends that you can have a girl’s night out with or hit the streets of Vegas with. I long for that jovial, witty laughter and freedom that only certain girlfriend groups can offer. I think after a certain age you just settle into a family routine and you forget who you were as an independent woman. When you are in a health crisis and you need help and support, that help and support seems to appear out of the most unpredictable people. The people who have shown up at this time really have proven to me that those fun times and friendships are waiting to be cultivated if I will just pay attention and say, “yes”.

Enhanced memories, most definitely. I go to endless baseball games for my son and I’m thankful to be there when before I found it a drudgery. We take a walk as a family and it suddenly feels special. I get to drive my son to and from school, I realize now that I’ve been missing that “chore”. It’s all a matter of perspective. These things feel like a privilege now, not something to be taken for granted.

Cancer has opened up doors and avenues and groups of people to me that I would never otherwise had access to. I’ve suddenly found a new platform to express myself and new territory to explore. There is new wisdom and understanding to be gleaned from a whole group of women that have gone through cancer before me. There are places I’ve never been that I’m suddenly frequenting and because of that I’m being introduced to new faces. All of these new exposures have the potential to open doors to endless possibilities.

Realigned priorities is a must. I can’t leave the house for so many weeks at a time that when I finally can I make sure it’s for the best reasons. I’m a compulsive house cleaner, now I don’t have the energy to waste on some of that stuff. I’d rather go have lunch with a friend. Working out has always been a priority but I’ve found myself doing yard work on that hot day instead. I could spend my days in bed watching endless shows and movies but instead I’ve found it a joy to work on this blog. Time is a commodity and I’m more motivated than ever to spend it wisely.

Courage is being grown and stretched and demanded with each visit to the cancer clinic. Being pumped full of drugs is not an ideal thing to have to endure no matter what the desired outcome is. Wearing the DigniCap is uncomfortable at best and having an adverse reaction to something is always a possibility. The after effects can be a moving target, what you felt one week isn’t necessarily going to be the norm for the next. You have to have courage to keep going back. You have to have courage to shave your head. You have to have courage to share your story. With each new stretch of yourself you find that you are way more capable than you might have thought possible. There is a fighting warrior inside of you and with each new brave step, she emerges.

I thought that I was an empathetic person but I realize now that I didn’t have a clue. If you haven’t been through something yourself, trust me, you don’t know what that person is going through. Even my wildest imagination did not prepare me for this cancer journey. I feel ashamed for all the dumb stuff I’ve probably said over the years to people going through stuff. No one has offended me or said anything to me that was wrong, I just now know what I didn’t know before. I have been brought to a place of deep humility in all of this. My empathy has been deepened because of this first hand knowledge.

Tenderized compassion goes hand in hand with the empathy. I never knew just how difficult these different treatments can be and how it affects the whole family and friend nucleus. You are surrounded by people going through tough times. It might not be cancer specifically but whatever it might be can be devastating that stranger’s life and all they hold dear. There is an unknown lurking behind every person you meet, an unknown stress perhaps, a loss, or a trouble. Why is the cashier being super short and unprofessional? Why is your kid’s teacher missing a ton of school days? Why is your neighbor reluctant to say hi at the mailbox? It’s not always about us. We need compassion for the unseen pain in people’s lives. I need a free pass sometimes and I’ve been much more willing to give out free passes because I have learned that everyone is struggling with something and just because I’m not privy to the exact nature of the struggle doesn’t mean I shouldn’t extend the curtesy of compassion anyway.

All of these lessons come out of the fire of refinement and so does the development of character. The lessons can be painfully learned or easily applied. They can be had begrudgingly or welcomed with open arms. Either way, they will be learned. And if you miss the lesson now, believe me, it will keep presenting itself in different ways until you get it. I’d rather try to be a good student but even so I’ve had to see things from many different angles before I could say I’ve learned that specific lesson. We can get so wrapped up in our own stuff that we fail to see those suffering around us. Jesus wants us to love people the way He does and it starts with seeing the need so that we can fill it, come along side it, or point it back to Him.

It’s so weird to say this but cancer can heal. I’m living proof of that. I am revived. I am willing. I am excited. I choose life!

Cancer, Character, Christianity, Courage, Personal, Struggle

No Hair, Don’t Care . . .Or Do I?

Sally

As the date for my first chemo infusion swiftly approaches there were some things I needed to consider and a port that needed to be installed. There is a device called the DigniCap Scalp Cooling System, developed in Sweden and used in Europe since the 1970’s, that had finally been approved by the FDA for use in the US in December of 2015. The function of this cap is to keep your hair follicles cold enough that they shrink thereby absorbing less of the chemotherapy medicine which otherwise would kill the follicles, thus the hair loss. This silicon cap worn tight on the scalp is computer-controlled and monitors contact points on the scalp to continually adjust and keep the temperature of the scalp at 32F. There is an hour cooling period prior to the infusion that gets your scalp down to temperature and you wear it through the whole process and continue to wear it for a couple of hours after. They tell you that this devise will greatly reduce hair loss but in the brochure there is a whole lot more to it. For instance, you can’t color or bleach your hair, you can’t use most shampoos or hair products that have chemicals in them, you can’t use blow dryers or curling irons, you can’t tie your hair back in ponytails, and you need to comb your hair with a wide tooth comb several times a day to keep the hair that is falling out from matting with the hair that is still hanging on. This sounds like a nightmare because I’ve been dying my hair for thirty years, I know it’s grey and if I can’t keep up with the dye job it will grow out like a skunk stripe.

I needed to have someone give it to me straight, what the realistic expectation of hair loss is even with the use of this cap. I called up one of the nurses who works the chemotherapy wing and I asked her some really pointed questions. I could tell that she was trained to relay everything in a super optimistic way so I finally had to say, “Listen, I don’t care about the vanity of this situation. I need to know for upkeep and overall results what I can expect from this cap because I am considering shaving my head anyway.” She finally admitted that the cap was originally designed to save hair follicles from permanent damage not necessarily to stop the hair loss during treatment. She said I can still expect to lose up to 50% of my hair. This is information I needed because now it makes more sense for me to do what I can to simplify my hair care and to reduce the shock of handfuls of hair coming out. I decide to have my stylist (who also happens to be my sister) shave my head on all sides leaving a cute amount on top to play with. She did a balayage bleach treatment so that the hair will look more natural and not a stripe if it grows. This was a big deal just because I have long “blonde” hair and I’ve never cut it very short in my life. Here was another hurdle to overcome on my Fearless Journey Into The Unknown.

I think, as women, we tend to find our identities in things external. How we think we look to the world and to ourselves can either give us confidence or make us insecure. We might hide behind things like fashion, hair, makeup or high end bling. I felt empowered by my decision to face hair loss straight on by shaving my head but the minute I stepped out into public I had to face the reality that I no longer looked like “myself” and I could no longer hide behind that false sense of security. I had a really hard time with that person looking back at me in the mirror. She looked so foreign and she looked so masculine. It was hard to be out and about because I felt like people were assuming I might be gay or liberal. Yes, I said it. We, as a society, use looks as a means to stereotype people and it can lead to judgmental assumptions. These assumptions are not necessarily good or bad but they often aren’t true and when we deal with people based off of something that is not true it limits our ability to know them and love them for who they really are. I’m not upset by homosexuality nor by liberal belief systems, but I should be aware that I myself have preconceived ideas of what looks “gay” or “liberal” or whatever and how that effects my ability to accept and love people where they are for who they are regardless of how they present themselves. This is a lesson in love that I didn’t see coming and I’m so grateful for it. I need to learn to see people the way God sees people. I need to see their soul, their heart, their dreams, their hurts, their humanity. I need to see them the way I want to be seen, deeper than the external allows.

I John 4:7-8 NLT “Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”

I Corinthians 16:14 NLT “And do everything with love.”

Luke 6:32 NLT “If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them!”

John 15:17 NLT “This is my command: love each other.”

God is really working on my heart, melting away a hard shell that has been constricting and deluding me for years. Love is an action and an attitude. It’s an openness that wants to embrace all people for all that they are. It strips away external and embraces eternal (the soul). The only way to win people in this upside down world is to love them. I need that same curtesy, especially now. I’m broken wide open and feel free to freely love for the first time in my life, and I’m thinking of taking the hair one step further by dying it pink. God is good too. That first trip to the grocery store, a woman stopped me in the isle and said that she loved my look and she wanted me to know. I have had a lot of people tell me that this style really seems to embody my real personality and that I really can rock the shave. I have never had so many strangers bless me with compliments in my life. I take this as a hug from God telling me that I am still cute, I’m more than my hair, and He helped bolster my confidence.

**Update, about three weeks after my first infusion treatment the hair started falling out in clumps and handfuls. I have to testify that shaving my head the way I did was very much the right decision for me. It was alarming to see the amounts of hair in my hand and collected around the drain. I am very thin on the sides now. I think this would have been way harder to navigate if I was still trying to hang on to the illusion of hair. It is hard to keep up with the shedding even when I don’t have as much longer hair to worry about.

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To Chemo or Not to Chemo

Sally

You know that old cliché; “How do you eat an elephant?” . . . . “One bite at a time.”

This is what the battlefield of cancer looks like, wait and then do the next ugly thing, sort of one bite at a time.

The next thing I needed to do after finding out my diagnosis was get an additional surgery to remove more of the breast tissue insuring clear margins and also to have my sentinel lymph node removed. But I wasn’t sure if I needed a mastectomy or even a double and I didn’t understand what the genetic testing they had me do was going to indicate. My surgeon was rushing me along, putting me on her schedule for surgery right away but I hadn’t even seen an oncologist yet. She had ordered the genetic testing to be done but I had no one to advise me about the results. So, I found an oncologist and had a couple of visits with him, each one leaving me without satisfactory answers to what I thought were easy questions. For example, why am I only at 5% risk of reoccurrence in either breast indicating that I do not need a mastectomy? When my genetic tests came back I was “negative” and yet we know that I am 100% capable of making breast cancer, cause I have it. [Just a little side note, I find it very interesting that they want every cancer patient to do a genetic test and all they are testing for is Jewish heritage that produces BRCA 1 or BRCA 2. I think there is way more to that cover story than we understand and I think that they use the cancer fear to get access to our DNA more readily than the 23andMe route. Those who are awake will understand my concern. Anyway, I digress.] So, here I am being rushed to a surgery date with no satisfactory answers to easy questions. What do I do? I stop everything. I cancel my surgery, I make a second opinion appointment with a new surgeon and a new oncologist and I reach out to anyone who will talk to me about their experiences and their understanding of what genetic testing provides. You feel pressure to get things rolling but if you don’t know what the right decisions are how can you proceed?

The minute we stepped into the new surgeon’s office things felt right. When the surgeon met with us she was also joined by – wait for it . . . . The new oncologist! It’s a miracle, a collaboration of both expertises so that ALL questions can be answered and a team approach can be had. We had more information, just in brochures alone, within the first ten minutes of being on their campus than all the hours of visits with my first doctors. A plan was made and understood, I would not need a mastectomy but just additional removal of tissue at the effected area to insure clear margins and then followup radiation. I was classified as Stage 1 cancer and they had no reason to believe it had time to spread to my lymph nodes but I would need to have the sentinel lymph node removed and tested just to be safe.

A week later, I report for surgery bright and early and hungry. First, I have to have a radioactive dye injected into the breast area that has the mass so that the dye can travel to the nearest lymph node indicating the node that needs to be removed and tested. Also, I needed a wire placement by ultrasound to show the surgeon where the remaining mass is located. The surgery was scheduled for 2 pm but they didn’t actually start on me until 7 pm. My husband and I sat in the surgery preop area all day. A woman to my left was there to have a double mastectomy and I was thankful that this was not part of my journey. A boy across the way had shot himself in the eye with a BB gun. I thought that only happened to Ralphie! My heart went out to him because I could tell he was very nervous about his surgery. A man a few curtains down was having his umpteenth surgery in a long history of failing health. Sitting there all day watching the people come and go, I realized just how insulated I’ve been. There are millions of people in this world who are dealing with very serious health crises and begging for an answer, a miracle of their own. We have giant pharmaceutical facilities and expansive health campuses dedicated solely to cancer to prove it. Cancer is taking over the world and there isn’t a cure yet? It’s certainly weeding out our population at an alarming rate. We do our best don’t we? We drink filtered water, we buy and eat organic and non-GMO foods, we exercise, we do detox’s, we limit our sugar, we take natural supplements, we see Natural-paths, sometimes we go vegan or vegetarian, we juice, and yet we still get sick. Why?

A successful surgery behind me, I go back about my business. Again a week later there’s bad news, it’s in my lymph node. This is a surprise. The surgeon said that the node looked healthy when she removed it but upon dissection it too has been affected. Back to the oncologist I go. I’m still considered to be at Stage 1 but they are now recommending the dreaded and hated chemotherapy. Because of my age, my type of cancer, that it’s estrogen positive, and a bunch of other factors I’m not clear on, I am faced with another hard decision, to chemo or not to chemo. Now, I will tell you I believe at this point that I am actually cancer free. I believe that what wasn’t removed by surgery is removed by God and maybe some radiation treatments. I’m not wanting to take the poison route, I want to get off the train. They said that if I do not do the chemotherapy I have a 6% chance of recurrence in the next ten years but if I do I will have less that 1% chance of recurrence. 6% sounds fine to me, I mean, I had a 5% chance of it coming back in my breast and I opted to not have a mastectomy. These odds are good right? Not according to John they weren’t. He doesn’t believe in God’s mighty abilities. He doesn’t want to be nervous every year waiting to see if something has returned. He wants a guaranteed solid bill of health, a <1% chance. He said that it is my responsibility to him and the boys to go all the way in this. He would be angry with me if it came back and metastasized in ten years when I had the opportunity to be rid of it now. And there we are, another hard decision to make.

The religious spirit was putting in his two cents, if you do chemo then you don’t really believe in God’s healing. The faith side of me was wondering, what’s the point of having a cancer diagnosis if you aren’t going to go all the way – are you afraid and why? Continuing on this path could prove to be a very powerful witness to John and those who know me. I decided that this would need to be a mutually agreed upon decision between husband and wife and that if John insisted on it I would go forward with chemo. We are “one” in marriage and my body is his just as his is mine. I had to wrestle with the spirit of fear again. Chemo is nasty stuff. They basically control kill you with poison and a gambit of other powerful drugs to counter act each other. This is the best “cure” we have available right now and I am choosing to be thankful for it because it has saved a lot of people’s lives. But, I’m looking at some dark days ahead and there is no clear understanding how my body will react or what my side effects might be. I have to take another step of faith on this Fearless Journey Into The Unknown.

As I made this decision, several things came together that brought me a peace and a strength. The miracles of Jesus started to show up and that’s when I knew that I was doing the right thing, not necessarily for healing of cancer but for healing of everything and everyone that is part of my story. See, this is how Jesus works. He wants EVERYONE!

My journey has turned into a testimony that I am blessed to share with you in the coming days.

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A Fearless Journey Into The Unknown

Sally

I haven’t written in a long time. I have been otherwise consumed with research on a number of subjects that are nearly impossible to explain to the masses in a way that flows cohesively. I did find someone’s blog who has managed to do a pretty good job, although there is still so much more to it that even Richard Kallberg hasn’t been able to tie it all together. However, if I’ve peaked your curiosity from a couple of my last posts and you want to dig in deeper for yourself, you can find him here and hopefully this will start you on your own research journey because that kind of subject matter requires an individual to proceed independently in a spiritual way and also in a humble way (meaning you will need to admit to yourself that you might not know what you think you know). After the last couple years of seeking out truth and making some earth shattering discoveries about the world we live in, on September of 2018 I discovered something else that would be earth shattering. I discovered that I have breast cancer, invasive lobular carcinoma to be exact.

I went in for my yearly mammogram, something I’ve been doing every year since my late twenties, but this time I got called back for a more conclusive mammogram and ultrasound of my left breast. From there they wanted to do a biopsy but because no one had the guts to tell me it looked exactly like breast cancer I naively decided to just have “it” removed by surgery and have “it” tested after. I was thinking that it was just another cyst like I’ve had before and regardless of what they found at least it would be out of my body. So, I had surgery and not thinking too much about it went on with my life as usual until I got the call a week later; it’s cancer.

Press pause.

I want to stop here because first I want to honor the millions of women who have gone before me and who will unfortunately be going after me on this hideous roller coaster ride called breast cancer. Each and every one of them (or you) has their own specific and painful story to tell that is unique only to them. Some stories ended terribly, some stories have been on going for years and years without reprieve, some stories have been short and matter of fact, and still other stories have been that of miracles and healing. My story is just that, mine. I mean no disrespect to anyone who is going on this journey parallel to me, nor to anyone who has suffered a loss in this realm. I understand (now first hand) that the decisions you make when you are personally faced with this kind of news will be tough and there are no one size fits all right answers. So much needs to be weighed in the balance. For me the things that I had to think about were spiritual in nature, sensitive to an unbelieving husband who was extremely frightened, and based on years of nutritional and homeopathic research plus the journey and loss of a loved family member who died a very horrific death as a result of triple negative breast cancer two years prior. These things shape and influence you and your decisions and so you do the best you can with the knowledge, understanding and faith that you already have. With that being said, I’d like to share with you my unique journey and I’ve named it A Fearless Journey Into The Unknown.

From the minute the radiologist stepped into the room to conduct the ultrasound on my left breast I could feel a presence in there with us. It was thick and suffocating and I knew instantly what it was, fear. I was calm and unconcerned all the way up to this point but when the doctor walked in fear walked in with him. I know a lot about fear. Contrary to worldly belief, fear is not an emotion, it is a spirit and it is demonic in nature.

2 Timothy 1:7 NLT “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.”

The spirit of fear requires your partnership or agreement to “be afraid” and to allow those fearful type emotions to consume you. It gives over your power and authority to the thing you are afraid of. Fear can come into your life in many different ways but for the sake of my story I’m going to call out the obvious attacks fear tried to use on me; fear of a cancer diagnosis, fear of cancer the disease, fear of sickness, fear of chemo, fear of drugs, and of course fear of death. Once you partner with fear he can easily invite other demonic spirts to join in the torment. There all kinds of fears, phobias and spirits such as worry, anxiety, dread, apprehension, insomnia, nervousness. A common tactic the spirit of fear will try is to keep you from speaking up about your fears because fear wants to stay a secret. If it is operating in secret it has more control over the narrative. You must voice your fears and bring them to the light of Jesus who has ultimate power and authority over your life and who has already conquered the devil and his schemes with His blood on the cross. Demons do not want you to remember that they have no real power over you, only the power you give them. Let Jesus’ perfect love cast out all fear!

1 John 4:18 NLT “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love.”

So, I had a choice. I could allow fear to creep in and take hold of the situation or I could boldly go forward with peace and expectation that no matter how this journey was going to play out I would be okay. Either way, the future unfolds itself in its own time with its own good and bad revelations. Nothing you do in fear will change that but it will change your life in the “in betweens”. Fear will steal your peace while you wait (and cancer is the ultimate waiting game), it will make you more sick then you even should be, it will freak out everyone around you and it will be relentless in the quiet places. I chose to be fearless. I had that first surgery and went about my life like nothing happened. I was completely surprised when they called me with the lab results because I had managed to forget about them. I was taken aback with the diagnosis, but mostly because I hadn’t been worried about it. Fear was unable to steal any joy I had during the weeks in between. It was powerless over my situation and I intend for it to stay that way.

But, now I have the diagnosis and the reality that I’m going to have to embark on this journey that I’m not excited about at all. I have to tell the kids and John the diagnosis, my parents and my friends too. I have to make it real by accepting its implications and I have everyone looking at me to set the tone for how this is going to go down. Well, I’m a straight shooter and I just tell it straight. I tell the kids exactly what I know and I don’t sugar coat it. I tell my husband and I support him through the initial shock and grief and his own fears. I start telling friends and family and they all have their own unique reactions based off their own personal experiences with cancer either personally or by acquaintance. Some people were devastated and felt the news was an impending death sentence, others didn’t know how to react so they changed the subject. I think people are afraid of illness because it seems like a trap that once you get caught you won’t be released. I know one thing, it makes you face your mortality. Anything you’ve ever said or done to soothe yourself over the subject of death gets pulled out into the light, scrutinized and questioned.

This is the real underlying issue right? Are you going to die? And if you are going to die then that means I’m going to die and I don’t want to think about that right now so let’s fight cancer and push that fact of life right back under the rug. Here’s some honesty, I don’t want to die. I have young boys who still need their mother, I have a husband who needs a wife, I want to enjoy the retirement life, I have a million things I need to get busy doing. I am very apprehensive of death, like that moment when you draw in your last breath and then . . . And then what? Is it painful? Are you aware of being dead? Are you “conscious” of being cremated or buried? Do you have to watch your family struggle without you from the other side? These are the soul questions that have to be answered and they have to be definitive for there to be any peace around the subject of death. There has to be a crisis of faith to really know if you have any, and I’m in it.

But, that’s not the end of the story. There are many more chapters being written even as I write this so come back as I continue to share my journey.

Battle, Christianity, MSM, Prayer, Red Pill, The Storm

The Red Pill

Sally

I’ve been very unsure of how or where to start. How do you begin to explain a journey that took me to the pits of hell, around three or four times and back again? My head exploded on several occasions and I was close to losing my faith more than once. Seeing our world for what it really is can be excruciating and knowing that we rub elbows with absolute evil on a daily basis can be extremely unsettling. My heartbreak came from a place of true patriotism, because I have loved America and all that I thought she stood for and upheld (liberty and justice for all). As I struggled deciding where to begin, I realized that it matters not. This journey is like a gigantic tangle of yarn knotted and frayed and beyond straightening out. It doesn’t matter where I begin because if you pull on any one little stray thread it all leads back to this one common denominator. Any one subject followed will eventually link up to all the other subjects which all tie back to the beginning, the very beginning, when Satan and his fallen angles first appear on earth with their insatiable desire to kill, steal, destroy and to be worshiped in the process. We’ve been so completely lied to that it’s going to be hard to accept. People we have learned to trust since birth have been quietly undoing our country, our society, our security and most importantly our knowledge of God.

This moment, right now, is straight from the movie The Matrix when Morpheus sits down with Neo and say’s, “After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”

Now it’s your turn. It’s time for you to decide which “pill” you take. You can stop reading now, take the blue pill, and lull yourself back to unconscious sleep comforted by a false sense of security, resuming the sheeple life of complacency with the rest of the herd and stand down until evil is actually physically knocking at your door (if it will even give you the courtesy of a knock). **DISCLAIMER** If this is what you choose I think you should know at what risk. There is a spiritual reality that you or your loved ones could lose their way through a shattering of faith and hope or by succumbing to the enemies tactics of fear mongering. There are also physical risks such as disruptive brain function or avoidable illness and disease, not to mention the risk of losing freedoms both physical and constitutional. Lastly, if you choose to remain ignorant you are also forfeiting a once in a lifetime opportunity to join forces with God’s remnant of people fighting the most epic battle we will ever see in our lifetime.

Or choose to be brave by taking the red pill, all the while seeking God, His wisdom, His discernment and His protection!

Red pill incoming . . . Here, swallow my friend, and know that you won’t be alone on this journey. The truth is ugly at times but also very exciting. Your spiritual life will never be the same after this, but my hope for you is that it will be better because God is sovereign and Almighty and loving and gracious. He wrote the end of His book the Bible and He wins, not Satan. We have a call to heed and it’s for each and every one of us to stand up and fight! The bottom line is, it’s in GOD we trust. If at any time you start to freak (and you will) please remember we are not called to be afraid but to put on the full armor of God. Go back and read my blog titled Armor of God for points about what that looks like. It’s time to grow our faith, to wake up and help others to wake up as well. Let’s do this thing.

Because it doesn’t really matter where I start (all roads lead to the same location), I’ll start at my own beginning, my own red pill experience, and let the cards fall where they may. I have had rumblings in my spirit, whisperings of truth and unanswered questions throughout my life but I had never vocalized them to anyone. I assumed that I wasn’t smart enough to understand certain things and that maybe there was information out there that I just wasn’t privy to or capable of comprehending. Couple that with certain subjects being very unappealing to my personality or outside my personal interests and you will see how I went about my life not really paying attention to things like politics, science, or astronomy. I have always been very trusting of our government, government agencies, military, police and Christian leaders alike. I’m a “rule follower” and type A personality but still someone who reads a lot and pursues free thinking. It was when Donald J. Trump and Hillary Rodham Clinton announced they were running for President that I perked up. I have always voted from the time I was old enough, appreciating my right to do so, but I had never felt like my vote made much of a difference. Then Franklin Graham, the Christian evangelist, started touring the United States calling on people to repent of our sins and to repent on behalf of the sins of our Nation. His tour helped me understand where politics were interfering with my personal beliefs and those belief systems. I began to see that voting one candidate over another could help undo certain biblical injustices and that I had a responsibility to vote in such a way that underscored God’s law over human preferences. It was then that I started to see a line in the political sand being drawn. This line was become more and more prominent as the debates became more and more about globalism and liberalism instead of the preservation of our Constitution. I had always thought of myself as an Independent but as the political race was unfolding I realized I needed to pick a side and it needed to be based on personal beliefs measured against God’s own Word and not on the premise of being “politically correct”. I needed to stop being worried about hurting someone else’s feelings because of their beliefs but instead become worried that my own belief’s were about to be persecuted and stifled. Listening to Hillary talk and watching her on TV actually physically frightened me but I knew nothing about Donald J. Trump other than what the Main Stream Media (MSM) was saying about him and that scared me too. I prayed a lot prior to that election. I know a lot of people were praying and that if you weren’t voting for Hillary then you weren’t saying who you were voting for because you would be ostracized like nothing else. So, I looked at all the issues that each candidate supposedly stood for and I voted for Donald J. Trump.

This is when things started to get weird. Donald J. Trump won the presidency. He wasn’t supposed to win, and according to the MSM he wasn’t winning right up until the last second when they finally had to concede that he indeed DID win. All their supposed polls and figures and early calculations had Hillary winning no problem.

James Barrett reporting with The Daily Wire on November 9, 2016 states, “On the morning of the election, Real Clear Politics’ average of the national polls showed Clinton with a 3.3% national lead over Trump and a projected Electoral College victory of 272 to 266. Instead, Clinton ended up with only a 0.2% popular vote advantage and suffering a devastating 232 to 306 loss. At no point before the election did the state poll averages show Trump winning the necessary 270 electoral votes.”

I had felt defeated long before the election actually took place thinking I was one of the last people on this planet who valued things like life, 2nd amendment rights, fixing the root of certain problems regardless of being called a “racist”, supporting our sister-in-Christ Israel, bringing our jobs back into our country, and respecting and caring for our veterans. It seems now that I wasn’t alone, instead I was part of what has been called “the silent majority”. What causes us to be silent? The fear of being labeled and misunderstood by our friends, family or neighbors comes to mind. I have a lot of respect for other people’s opinions and beliefs but I’ve found that if mine are not in agreement then I am not allowed that same respect. Thankfully we can still vote our truth behind a curtain in the privacy of a ballot box, and that’s what the majority of America did.

Then Trump takes office and the weirdness just gets worse. MSM seems unwilling to acknowledge that a majority of our Nation voted this man into office and they started running wild with negative narratives and false accusations that seemed to be fueled out of a childlike spitefulness. All the while, really bad things were coming to light about the Clinton Foundation, HRC herself because of a Uranium One deal and unsecured email servers, there was even some shady things surfacing about a $400 million Iran cash deal that implicated Obama and his administration but the MSM was too preoccupied to do much with that news because it was so busy spinning a Russian collusion story like a last ditch effort to usurp Trump. This was my first taste of the red pill. I have had almost zero interest in politics other than trying to make an educated vote. I have always listened to the news with reserved horror because of all the bad things happening in the world, in my country, in my state or my town. I have never once entertained the idea that the news media could be misdirecting me by reporting in an impartial way and never that they were lying to me but by golly if it wasn’t right there undeniably in my face. And as I watched this thing unfold with new discerning eyes, other players started coming on the scene – Hollywood actors and actresses, music entertainers, NFL players, Democrats, Liberals, protest groups, and talk show hosts. The noise got louder and louder and yet there was no concrete reason for it. Then Twitter happened and I’m so thankful it did. I am not an avid Twitter user but I got myself an account for one reason only, to get my news straight from the source. Yes, Trump has an “in-your-face” way of expressing himself on Twitter but I actually find it refreshing because he does not care. He is not owned by anyone, he didn’t need to run for president, he cares not for political correctness, he knows our country’s issues from a business man’s perspective and he ran so he could personally help our country get back on track to the best of his ability. He is unapologetically patriotic, politically incorrect and he is unafraid to talk about God. So here was Donald Trump actually calling out the MSM as “fake news” and it was so exhilarating because it confirmed what I was seeing for myself, biased, fake sourced, media outlets spewing out what I can now understand to be propaganda. The questions that beg to be answered are why and how (legally and financially) is this happening.

For starters, let’s follow the money. Who “owns” the media? Through mergers, consolidations and monopolies a very small number of major corporations have taken control of every one of our mainstream media resources. The biggest players are Time Warner, Walt Disney, Viacom, News Corporation, CBS Corporation, and NBC Universal. For a complete and interactive list you can visit freepress.net to educate yourself on just how far reaching these corporations are because it’s not just where we get our “news” on television, it’s our radio, magazines, newspapers and entertainment too. Is it too out of the question to think that whom ever pays the most for advertising or whom ever is the biggest share holder gets to pull the strings of this gigantic beast for whatever purposes they might have? Isn’t it interesting that we call television “programming”. Have certain individuals realized that if you control the narrative you can control the masses? Are you being “programmed” literally? If someone is in a position to manipulate people by telling them what to think, believe, fight for, fear, need, or want while raking in a huge profit what’s to stop them?

This is where I will leave you today, at the lip of your first rabbit-hole, or if you are already very much awake to all this media coercion then I’ll see you at the next blog. I strongly believe that no one person can tell you what is true, you have to find it out for yourself. And, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink which to me means that there is only so much responsibility that I personally can take in helping people find the truth in reality and that responsibility has its boundaries. I could make myself physically ill trying to explain every last detail of every little bit of evidence that I have ever researched and found in the hopes of convincing you of the problem. There is a massive amount of research waiting for YOU to do personally, not just so that you can be educated but also so you can hone your own skill at discernment for truth and so that you can be educated enough to help red pill someone else. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you a nudge when something feels wrong, ask Him to lead you to the next truth, ask Him to open your eyes, to lift the veil and to expose the lies. Also, its very important that you leave all that you think you know here. The only thing you get to “know” is that God is the Alpha and the Omega (Revelation 22:13) and that His Word is Truth. Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;” Proverbs 3:7 “Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil.” Acts 20:29-30 “I (Jesus) know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock, even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them.” John17:15-17 “My (Jesus) prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.”

**A Word of Caution**
Certain widely used search engines “track” and subvert their searches behind the scene. To avoid this alarming thing, I strongly suggest using DuckDuckGo.com instead. Set it up in your Safari settings as the default search engine prior to taking this journey. You will thank me later. I encourage you to use YouTube in your research but I acknowledge that it can be a slippery slope because not all YouTubers are reliable sources and many are simply there to pass on disinformation, however there are some very knowledgeable sources too that have taken these subjects on as a real journalist should – presenting facts and resources in an intelligent and meaningful way. Be aware that YouTube has been censoring people, deleting videos, and demonetizing channels as a way to control narrative also so if you see a video that looks juicy you might want to watch it post haste before it mysteriously gets removed. Many of the videos that I have found very helpful are no longer available. I think that this has the opposite effect than what these controllers are hoping for because I take those videos as probable proof since they are obviously deemed a threat to the point of deletion. Also, stay away from Wikipedia and Snopes. They are NOT reliable for truth.

Below are a list of buzz words to help you get going with your research. This list can get you started but you might want to keep track of other words, resources, articles, YouTube videos, etc. that come up as you go. These rabbit-holes are very, very curvy and branch out into whole other dimensions. You can easily get lost so always come back to God and what He say’s is true. God does not lie (Numbers 23:19, Titus 1:2). Finally, if you don’t think you have the time to figure this stuff out for yourself, all I can say is we have lost too much valuable time as it is. We have all but given over our country, our children, our peace, our health and our minds because we have been asleep for such a long time. We cannot go back but we can go forward with a vengeance and we can regain precious ground before it really is too late.

Buzz Words:
Operation Mockingbird
Media Mind Control
Hollywood Mind Control
CIA and the MSM
Black Propaganda
Predictive Programming
George Soros and MSM
Obama Executive Order: Using Behavioral Science Insights to Better Serve the American People
H.R. 5736 (112th) Smith-Mundt Modernization Act 2012

Battle, Christianity, Church, Holy Spirit, Prayer, The End Times, The Storm, Uncategorized, War

Armor of God

Sally

Let me first reintroduce myself. My name is Sally, and like my name, I would consider myself to be very old fashioned. I have old fashioned principles, morals and tastes. I’m a conservative, a Christian, a stay-at-home mom and a wife who has little use for feminism. I like Turner Classic movies, classic novels, Christian music, and being a homemaker. I need to tell you this because what I’ve discovered is so shocking and outside the box for someone such as myself that I have no idea how I ever swallowed that initial red pill or squeezed down that first rabbit hole. I can only say that on some subconscious level I have always had questions that were silently stewing, questions that could only be asked from a place of good old fashioned common sense. Perhaps there are things we just know in our soul but have been conditioned to forget and the moment you dare confront yourself about these things your soul suddenly nudges you toward a different truth, a truth that ousts the lie. It seems truth will be made known, sooner or later, and with truth comes freedom (John8:32). For me, I’ve been a lifelong seeker and lover of truth and as the Bible promises us, if you seek you will find (Matthew 7:7). I believe I’ve been called to be a Watchman and my specialty seems to be reconnaissance. I’m not claiming that everything I’ve discovered is 100% accurate or true, I’m just asking you and myself to keep an open mind to the idea that there is a lot we don’t know or understand about the world and therefore this leaves a possibility for those things to be true. Unfortunately, there is overwhelming evidence that a large majority of what I’ve found out IS true and IS accurate and from that perspective I can only point us to God for the next step. As a Watchman it is my duty to sound the alarm and to inspire others to do the same. I pray I am not too late!

I’m going to start with the antidote first. The things that will be revealed are so horrific, so evil, so scary and so pervasive that if I don’t give you the antidote right now, up front, then I might lose you. You need to lean into our Lord Jesus Christ. Why would the occult be so widespread and so intently practiced (which I will show you later) if there wasn’t a God? The antithesis of evil is good, which is the age old idea of Satan vs God. There has never been such a testimony to the proof of God’s existence than the countless people who go out of their way to align themselves with Satan and his agenda. To do this they pervert and invert all the good that God has established and use it to worship Satan. Satan is the father of lies and the fabric of our society is built on these lies. Because of this battle between good and evil, we need to know right now, with absolute urgency and certainty, that The End is here! The End is the final battle, the culmination of centuries where God has been raising up a people, His church, His bride, His chosen ones, before He ends Satan’s reign once and for all. Our awakening is eminent and necessary so that we can put on our God given armor and fight with Him and for Him! God is real, He is taking action, but we are called to fight alongside Him and our cooperation and participation is necessary and vital.

As Ephesians 6:14-18 NIV details “Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the word of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

And also, as it is reflected in verse 20, pray that we all may declare the gospel and all of the truth fearlessly as we should.  The truth I have discovered will be explained further in following blogs and we need to couple this truth with God’s truth in the Bible so that we can understand the enemy and what we are fighting for and against. You would never want to have to go fight in the front lines of any war blind. It would be pointless because you would be an easy target and you would also be in danger of shooting people on the same side as you. This is actually happening right now. People are out “shooting” the good guys because they haven’t been awoken to the truth yet. They are actually undermining the war effort and are oblivious that they are fighting for the wrong side. We just can’t have that because a house divided falls (Mark 3:25).

Jesus also says in Luke 10:23 NIV “Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters.”

Now is not the time to be divided, now is the time to unite and start a revolution in Jesus’ name!

We need our breastplate of righteousness in place. Have you repented of your self-sufficiency and asked Jesus to be your Lord and Savior? This is important for the cause. The evil you will face is real and the only protection that can be offered you comes through Jesus from God Himself.

John 14:6 NIV is very clear, Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

There is no tangible weapon that we will be able to use to obliterate the evil ones with. There isn’t some atomic bomb or machine gun or biological weapon that will have an effect on them. They live in a spiritual dimension and are spirit beings that cannot be killed. The only weapons we have are of a spiritual nature and the only effective way to war against them is God’s way. A breastplate is a protective covering. You need the enemy to recognize you as one of God’s children as it carries significant implications against them and gives you authority over them.

In Luke 10:18-19 NIV Jesus says, “I saw Satan fall like lightening from heaven. I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.” In Matthew 16:18-19 NIV Jesus tells us, “. . . On this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.”

In Matthew 10:1 Jesus gave His disciples the authority to drive out impure spirits and to heal every disease and sickness. In Acts 2:21 Peter reminds us that in the last days everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.  If you do not truly believe with all your heart that you are saved through the blood of Jesus on the cross then how can you stand firmly on the gospel in peace and with readiness? You just can’t. Once you believe and accept Jesus into your heart as your one and only Savior, only then can the gift of His Holy Spirit be supernaturally imparted to you and the fruits of that Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22) Without knowing Him you won’t know peace. It’s a peace that surpasses human understanding (Philippians 4:7) and this kind of peace is vital to stand up against the the type of ugliness that this war is being waged against, a war like none we have ever seen.

We need our shield of faith. Through faith in God, our salvation through Jesus, and in what the Bible says is true, we can be shielded from whatever the enemy tries to throw at us. If we renew our mind in the truth of the Bible, the enemy’s lies can be easily overcome. If we rest in the peace of our salvation through faith, we can learn to be fearless while facing the enemy head on. Through our faith that God’s Word is true and will be fulfilled, we get to know before we begin who wins this battle; spoiler alert it’s Jesus who wins and Satan and his legions get locked away for eternity. You really want to be fighting on the winning side (trust me or read Revelation). Having unshakable faith is vital to this fight as is our helmet of salvation because like in the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, (see the story in the third chapter of Daniel) we will be faced with some really scary stuff and we will need to be willing to calmly and confidently walk into that hypothetical fiery furnace knowing that God has a plan and even if that plan allows us to be killed in our flesh it does not end our eternal story. The key here is no fear. Fear is not an option in this war. Fear is exactly what these evil spirits are feeding on, literally, and I will show you proof of this later. If we give way to fear than we acquiescent to the devil. The only fear we should entertain is a healthy fear of the Lord and even then through His perfect love, fear is driven out (1 John 4:18).

As is stated in 2 Timothy 1:7 NIV “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”

If we are timid (fearful) then we are not using our power and we need our power to defeat the evil ones.

This leads into a final and very vital weapon of this war, prayer. As was already pointed out in Ephesians 6, we need to be praying in all occasions, for God’s people, and for God’s anointed. Prayer is our weapon in the spirit realm. If you are unfamiliar with prayer or even if you are already a seasoned prayer warrior I highly recommend you read The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. We can be greatly encouraged about the power of prayer. Through prayer we deliver the most effective battle wounds to our enemy. God hears our prayers and deploys His Angel Army (in part) according to our collective voice. The Bible speaks for itself on this matter.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16 NIV. Psalm 122:6 NIV “Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: May those who love you be secure. May there be peace within your walls and security within your citadels.” Psalm 5:2 NIV “Hear my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV “”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. “I will be bound by you”, declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” James 5:16 NIV “The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” Philippians 4:6 NIV “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” John 15:7 NIV “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.” Romans 8:26 NIV “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.”

This last verse is particularly close to my heart these days. After everything I have learned, there really are no words. The monstrosities that people have been capable of have left me shocked, speechless, and heartbroken. I used to think to myself, as I looked around, that the condition of the world was not that bad yet. God was only going to come when things were really, really bad. Sodom and Gomorrah bad (see the story in Genesis chapter 13). But, I now know that in many ways the current condition of our world is much, much worse because it involves our helpless and beloved children. Please consider these things that I’ve shared and ask God for guidance. If you are ready to take up arms for the battle that the Lord is calling us to, then please stay tuned here for the unfolding of some long ignored truth. I will try to deliver the next bits of information fast because I understand that there is an urgency to get as many people up to speed as possible. So, God willing or until I get censored, I’ll see you soon. God bless and protect America!

 

Uncategorized

Christmas With The Crank

Sally

The Christmas dust has settled and a time for reflection is upon me; spoiler alert . . . I hate Christmas. I never celebrated Christmas as a kid growing up. We attended a church that was against embracing anything that had a pagan beginning regardless of worldly tradition. I married a non-believer and Christmas was introduced into my life in my early thirty’s. Then we had two kids and Christmas was off and running, running my life for one month a year. I innocently stepped on the Christmas treadmill, willingly even, but now I’m eleven years in and I’m rethinking it all. First of all, if you are the mom of your household YOU ARE Christmas. Nothing “magical” about the season happens if you aren’t pulling the strings. No decorations, unless you lug boxes of them from the basement and diligently put them up. No cookies, unless you spend a day turning your kitchen upside down to produce some. No great presents, unless you have done reconnaissance the last eleven months to really know what your people want and/or need and then suffered the mall more than several times or at best risked the internet to procure them. No presents wrapped, unless you made those eight trips to Target for the wrapping paper, tape, and endless other bits of paraphernalia to get the job done and then stayed up late several nights to finish. No Christmas cheer in a glass, unless you had made that trip to the liquor store and blown your food budget on drink. No Christmas Eve dinner, unless you spent double at Costco on meats, cheeses and sides and then had the energy to cook it all up, engineer it to come out of the oven in unison and then barely took your seat before it was all gobbled up. Wait, did you remember the Christmas morning casserole? Nope, forgot all about that. Is there a couple of fun things to put in the stockings? Only barely and I woke up out of a deep sleep in a panic because I had forgotten to stuff the stockings before I dropped into bed, so I found myself up at midnight taking care of that business too. No Christmas dinner, unless you can muster up to do it all over again for the other side of the family. Christmas is now over, who is going to put all this crap away? Oh yeah, me.

You are probably judging me right now. You might be thinking, “She doesn’t get it, Christmas is about Christ.” I say, “Is it?” I’m tired of trying to squeeze my God and my Jesus and all their glory into a pagan holiday that the world has developed and entangled in everything non-God and non-Jesus. How many advents do we have to add to our daily plate to try to keep our focus on Jesus? How can we go about the season and pretend that there is only joy and love and peace happening in our hearts. No, I declare it to be a lie. Christmas is a disappointment. Christmas can’t deliver because I can’t deliver. Jesus wasn’t born in December, it wasn’t even on the 25th. As the Puritan’s might say, “It’s not in the good book.” Christmas smacks of all the trappings of the devil. Over spend, give out of seasonal obligation, make it a pissing match between spouses of who is doing more while both go feeling under appreciated, spoiled children who have too much already showing little gratitude for the new gifts they receive. Extended family short on helping, missing the mark completely on gift giving and having zero understanding of Christ on a good day not withstanding the “CHRISTmas” day. Bah humbug. I’m ready to burn this day down, cross it off my calendar, leave the country that week or at the very least step off the world-induced treadmill.

Re-evaluation commence.

First, Christmas isn’t about Christ at all. It’s a pagan tradition overhauled centuries ago into something less pagan-obvious probably because no one knew how to do away with the whole thing without an uprising so they took the “if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em” stance and tried to reinvent Christmas into something Jesus centered. I applaud the effort but is God satisfied? How about we acknowledge St. Nick as the original gift giver and stop calling him Santa which isn’t a far off spelling of S-A-T-A-N. if we want to celebrate something then let’s celebrate this holiday as the “gift-giving” holiday, a holiday of generosity. We can stop trying to stuff God into this holiday and maybe approach it from a different perspective like acknowledging God’s blessings on our lives and using those blessings to bless others (which is actually a real theme in the good book). To allow this generosity to flow we probably need to let the other stuff go because I never feel so ungenerous as I do at Christmas. Lets put lots of thought over the year into gifts for the people we love and then happily wrap and present these gifts from a place in our hearts that is sincere and if we can’t give out of sincerity then here’s a thought, let’s just not give. I’m particularly offended at Christmas because my love language is gifts. People who have a love language of gifts are simply looking for signs that people know them and appreciate them for who they are, it’s not about the gift per say but about the thought behind the gift. When you wrap up swizzle sticks and put them under the tree for someone who doesn’t even drink then you probably aren’t conveying the message that you know them aka love them. Here’s an idea, we could forgo all the thoughtless knee-jerk gift giving and channel it to some charitable causes instead where your thoughtless obligation aren’t a problem.

Second, boundaries. If I’ve hosted the past five events then maybe I need to decline hosting the next one rather than risk becoming bitter and resentful. I struggle with this one only because love is an action and I can love my extended family by actively hosting. However, I need to take a mental inventory of my spiritual headspace and if I’m not in a good place then I have no business hosting because that just sets me up for insincere and begrudging actions instead of loving ones. No one wants to be part of an atmosphere built around that.

Third, the kids. Need I say more? Has anyone else noticed how badly we are failing our kids? Their actions show our failings. Did your kids clear the table and do the Christmas dishes? Did your kids show gratitude in the face of receiving a gift that was not on their “list”? Did your kids painstakingly pick out and purchase (out of their own money) a thoughtful gift for anyone else and then wrap it? Did your kids (or adults) put away their new electronics in the following week without a fight? Was there any mention of Jesus? Not in my divided secular home, and I challenge you to ask yourself these same questions even if all of you are devoted Christ worshippers. Dig deep and see if there aren’t some changes you might want to make for yourself next year. I doubt it will be a desire to add more trimmings to the holiday, probably quite the opposite.

Admittedly, I have work to do, that isn’t a question. My servant’s heart needs work and I’ll be working on it. However, I don’t think that the whole problem lies with me. I think that we have swallowed a fish hook whole and are having a hard time coughing it up. It’s not a popular view point, to hate Christmas, and it’s not realistic to say that I’m done with the whole thing either because I’m married with kids but I plan on having a family meeting and discussing what next year might look like. I would love to keep the stuff that they love if they love it enough to contribute. I would also like to call a spade a spade and stop trying to fight for God’s place at the head of the holiday table. He can handle himself. He has a plan and Christmas was not mentioned. What was mentioned was a time in the end when the two witnesses are murdered by the beast and while their bodies are rotting in the streets “the inhabitants of the earth will gloat over them and will celebrate by sending each other gifts, because these two prophets had tormented those who live on the earth.” (Revelation 11:10 NIV). What a horrible and unusual time to be prompted to be giving gifts to each other, just saying. I have never been able to find Jesus easily in the mess of Christmas but I have always been able to find Him in the quiet of night while I’m tossing and turning in my bed frustrated, tired, and deeply unhappy at the absence of “magic” in my home during a time when the world pretends there is magic in abundance. He knows my heart, my hurt, my desire to please not only Him but those in my sphere of influence. He forgives me when I find myself lost in the world’s overt use of Christmas to distract us from the “Jesus was born” thing. Because He WAS born, God made Himself flesh, not in a palace but in a barn and He died a horrific death on a cross a mere 30 odd years later. A sacrifice made on our behalf, the best and only gift we truly needed. His message should not be shared with a Santa myth (lie) nor hidden under discarded gift wrappings but in the forefront of our minds on a daily basis where we allow His truth to bend our hearts and minds to His will for our best lives to be lived in service to Him. This is where my Christmas spirit is going to die and my love for the Lord will be reborn, portioned out every morning for all the remaining mornings until He returns or I’m called home.

To all of you that have found the magic of Christmas to be real and satisfying I say “Merry Christmas”. I’m very happy for you and no offense meant. To all of you who are suffering at the expense of this holiday I say, “Me too” and I hope you can find a happy balance that works better for you and yours next year. Happy New Year!

Books, Character, Christianity, Courage, Forgiveness, Friendship, Personal, Struggle

Courageous

Sally

Recently I was invited to a birthday party, a party that I had wanted to be included in from the first I knew of it’s existence. But as the day and time of the party drew near, my anxiety about having to walk into this party increased. As I let out a deep sigh and bolstered myself into the room, I was struck by the dreaded feeling of not belonging. I instantly relived old hurts of not fitting in, not having a place, not being seen and the humility that comes from a deep secret fear that my being there was a mistake. You see, the room was full of wonderful women, smart women, revolutionary women who fight daily against social injustice, inequality, abuse, racism and mediocrity. Several of the women there are great lovers of humanity, or of God, and at the very least great lovers of life. I can’t say that I’m really a great fit for any of these descriptors thus maybe not a great fit as friendly companionship to these woman. The lie is that I’m not an equally valuable contributor to society nor to the room. I’m just simply me, and a wounded me at that. I mostly wanted to hide. In hiding I could possibly stay protected and maybe in control of my lurking suspicion that at 43 years of age I haven’t made any significant contributions or a lick of positive difference on this planet. The ever present question, “What am I doing with my life?”, is especially loud and clear this evening. The weird thing is I’m surrounded by friends and acquaintances. I “know” everyone at this party from some place of kindness and goodwill in my community or another so why do I feel so alone and so very uninvited when quite clearly I was?

God heard my cry. He always does because He is faithful and He comforted me in that special way He does, through books. One of the friends from the evening sent me a text the very next day about a book she was about to purchase. She had no idea I was struggling nor did she have any inkling that this book would be for me. She was just sharing her next book purchase with me, off the cuff. No surprises here, the title was perfectly appropriate to what I was still processing from the night before. The book was Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa TerKeurst. I promptly bought it myself and what an honest read it was as it put balm and ointment on my fears, hurts and insecurities. Lysa, the author, suggested two fears I might have been wrestling with that night, two fears that lurk in the shadows of every social engagement I have had the courage to expose myself to in the last several years. They are 1. The fear of abandonment and 2. The fear of losing one’s identity. I accept the first fear as my own because I was abandoned by someone I had poured twelve years of love and acceptance into. She was a dear friend who rejected me in an instant when we had our first major disagreement. I believe that her pain was too great for her to overcome and therefore it was easier for her to reject and exile me rather than face it and find ways to heal and reconcile. But even with the insight God has been gracious to give me on the situation, I still have my own personal wounds turned fears to overcome. To look out into that room at that party was to see many potential close friendships that might easily about-face in a nano second if they find something in me that they don’t like because it’s happened before. As Lysa (the author) pointed out, “Things of this world all eventually reveal what incapable anchors they really are.” “Things” for me is actually “people”, and “people” is actually “close-friend”, and “close-friend” is actually someone I experienced a “soul-tie” with and that “soul-tie” when ripped apart naturally took part of my soul away with her. Painful. Very.

As for the part about losing one’s identity, I guess I need to remind myself that it’s my identity in Christ that is truth, not an identity that suggests that what happened in that friendship gone wrong translates into my being a bad friend, a bad person, or someone who has nothing good to offer others. Those are feelings that were born out of brokenness, but as Lysa kindly reminds me,

“Feelings are broken boards. Only truth is solid, unchanging, and stable through and through. Old patterns of thought must be torn out, and a new way of looking at the core of who I am using God’s truth has to be put into place. My identity must be anchored to the truth of who God is and who He is to me.”

My decision is made; I will continue to learn and grow and present the best version of myself to the world and trust that God will bring people into my life who are doing the same. In the mean time, I might be lonely and I might feel unseen and I might not be invited but I am not the sum total of those insecurities. Instead, I am loved by God and I am well on my way to aligning myself with my God given purpose and what/where/and who He has mapped out for me. What I was longing for in the party room that night was connectivity. I long to connect with women who are doing life with the Lord on a more enlightened plain than I’m on because I want to be lifted up, challenged and forced to grow beyond where I currently am. I want to see the world through different perspectives than my own, in ways that unravel my predisposed prejudices and replace them with humbling, God revealed realities I hadn’t considered before. I want to be in safe communion with women who are not intimidated by my fumbling and short comings but who can lovingly show me to myself for the purpose of spiritual growth and mutual celebrations of God’s grace through His discipline and admonishment. These women may or may not be those who were in attendance that night but it doesn’t matter because I’m believing in God’s provision. He will deliver the perfect friendships at the perfect time in line with His refinement and purpose for my life. I will not be captivated by the fear that this loneliness is more than temporary and for a season. I am holding out for the goodness and fulness of His provision as He deems fit. My only obligation is to press on and boldly play my unique note to the world.

One thing I can do while I wait is contemplate and act appropriately on the question Lysa asks;

“Do I walk into situations empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless me?”

I don’t want to be that needy person in the room, the one that needs reassurance and validation to be there. I’d much rather be overflowing with God’s love in a way that I can offer it freely to others rather than needing others to fill up a deficit within myself. Let’s face it, very few people can detect the deficit for what it is in others none the less fill it up to satisfaction. Only God fits into those God-sized holes. But what a refreshment it would be to enter into a social situation with confidence that I’m there to be a blessing to someone rather than with the nervousness of an unmet need looking to be filled.

Lysa brings up another very important factor that rejection tries to steal from us, our hesitancy to trust again. Humans break trust all the time, sometimes on purpose. I trusted that I could be honest with my ex-friend and I was wrong, she trusted that I would never speak up on some subjects that bothered me and she was wrong. This lays fertile ground for the idea that it is absolutely not safe to be vulnerable, transparent or trusting of other human beings no matter how long you have known them or how long you have professed to love them and them you. Lysa describes this well,

“Girls who have the lingering whispers of rejection still echoing in the hollows of their soul rarely feel completely held safe. So they look at gaps of the unknown and hesitate at best. Run away at worst. They crave for life to make sense. They cringe when it doesn’t. It’s unfathomable to take a leap into something as uncertain as air and expect to stay intact. What we see will violate what we know unless what we know dictates what we see.”

God has been whispering so much truth to my soul about my lost friendship that I can finally see it through His eyes. It was a pruning from which significant growth on my part was had. It was a humbling so that I can approach future relationships with more love and grace than ever before. It was reprioritizing so that I can have no other before Him (and also not before my own husband). It was a sure way for Him to draw me to Himself because the pain was so acute and so long suffering (several years have already passed and it still seems like my loss was realized yesterday). She never was my enemy and I refuse to think she is now, it is just a reconciliation that is still waiting to happen and I continue to pray and trust in God to orchestrate it. So naturally I’m gun shy at this friendship thing now. I am reluctant to show my heart to people for fear that they will misunderstand me or worse not care. I have trust issues trying to take hold. But God will not fail me, He will cross the room with me at these parties and He will commune with me in the awkward silences or pregnant stares. He will make me able to withstand another lost friendship should it come to that and He will be diligent in teaching me important lessons through it. He allows me to be me in all my imperfections and so I will be courageous and allow myself to be seen, to be vulnerable, to hold my heart open to the next lovely creature who also wants to be seen and to be vulnerable and to hold open her heart as well. I consciously choose to go first and not let fear weigh me down nor steal my future wherever it might lead and to whomever it might lead. I might not be invited next time, but if and when I am I will be looking to be a blessing rather than one who’s allowing fear to choke the atmosphere out of the party. I’m not the life of the party, never have been, but hey, I’m a great listener.

Books, Character, Christianity, Finances, Friendship, Love, Marriage, Money, Personal, Prayer, Quotes, Uncategorized

Marriage Initiative Take 1

Sally

I was anxious to start this new year, as I am every year, because the idea of a fresh start is so irresistible. I’ve already decided that the focus for positive change this year will be my marriage. I lost a significant friendship a year and a half ago and had some other friendships diminish into the outer layers of life focus and intention and with that I’ve felt a substantial loss and a desire to realign my connectivity to the world and my place in it closer to home and truer to my core values. Is it possible that I could foster a deeper relationship with my husband? A relationship where he could be my best friend and me his? 

I’ve had those “bitch” sessions with many of my friends and family about what our spouses will or won’t do, how they treat us or don’t, if they “get” us or not, and I’ve always dolled out the sage advice, “You can only change you so focus on that”. According to many of the marriage books I’ve read, and even the bible, effecting big positive change in a relationship can come about by making small positive changes in ourselves (accompanied by intensive prayer of course). That seems all nice and cozy attainable in theory but it can also cause some serious counter-cultural panic attacks because let’s face it, we live in a world of “me” philosophy. We are conditioned to think “what about me?” thoughts and to live very selfishly because if WE don’t work hard to look out for OUR own interests – no one will, or so we believe.

I’ll go first. I will take one for the team ladies and gents. I will lay down my pursuit of things that serve me in the effort to find something that will hopefully be life changing for my marriage. I wanted to call this effort the Marriage Experiment but realized that the acronym was then going to be ME and we can’t have that! We are supposed to be laying ME down in all of this so I’m now calling it the Marriage Initiative (which is still “me” in Spanish but we won’t go there). I want to see firsthand what kind of changes I can effect in my relationship with my husband by making changes to myself in my approaches, my words, and my actions. If the changes I see are worthy and sustainable then my hope is to inspire you to look at making similar changes in your relationships so that we all can experience that depth of intimacy we crave and were wired for.

A famous quote by Albert Einstien, “Insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” pretty much sums up a lot of our marriages don’t you think? Many of us think if I just get angrier, if I give less and less, if I stay more silent, if I withhold things – then he will finally notice me and take care of my needs for once. We all keep falling back on these patterns and it’s insanity! If anything, I think it propels us closer to divorce thoughts, fears and realities. I don’t want to go there! I’m only eleven years in with my marriage and I need to make it a good forty or so more. Yes it’s work, get over it. And it’s vulnerability at its finest but let’s face it, nothing worthwhile in this life comes easy and effortless. Luckily, I’ve already read Brene’ Brown so I’m feeling fairly equipped for those terrifying moments of being transparent, vulnerable, wholehearted and seen (I realize there will be many of those moments along the way).

To get the conversation started, the first thing I did was sit down with my husband and ask him to take an intimacy test/questionnaire with me. I won’t lie, it took prayer and lots of prodding to get my husband to participate. But, I told him that I wanted to work on some things and I pointed out how he would directly benefit from this exercise if only he would answer a few questions. 40 Forms of Intimacy: Integrating Daily Connection Into Your Couple Relationship written by Alexander Avila, was a very helpful guide in establishing a starting point. Avila helps you take a close look at what your personal connections with your partner are and he identifies forty different types of connections we can sustain in a marriage. John (my husband) and I took the “Personal Intimacy Inventory” spelled out in the book. At each type of intimacy (and no, we are not talking all things sexual – there are many other types) you ask each other did we have this at one time, do we have it now, or do we want it or want to maintain it for the future of our marriage. Some things are more important to me and some more important to him and this helped give us insight into what we both would consider enriching to our relationship.

One of the top ones John pointed out that he would like me to work on is (and if you’ve read any of my previous blogs this won’t come as a shock) Financial Intimacy. It is defined by Avila as “experiencing a sense of closeness while earning, saving, spending, giving and investing together”.  Yikes. I feel like closeness is a two-way street. I might be more willing to save if I knew what we were saving for, if I felt like I was part of a team working toward a common and exciting goal. Investing is something my husband does in a private and undisclosed way, can I be made privy of all that and be part of those decisions? I sense that when he says he wants financial intimacy he really means he just wants me to not spend money and not ask money questions. This typically would be an impasse for us but maybe, just maybe, it is an opportunity for me to make small changes that would hopefully effect the bigger picture and draw us to real intimacy in that area of our relationship. But what to do?

Here is my game plan. First, I have to be willing to show up and be vulnerable in the conversation. Money talks bring up a lot of old Daddy issues for me and typically set off triggers that compute into intense feelings of shame. If we are going to get intimate on this subject I’m going to have to be able to stay in the room regardless of my feelings of discomfort. I will remind him that I have difficulty with this subject matter and ask him to be mindful of my fight or flight instinct. Next, I need to make the first move toward meeting his financial needs by intentionally not spending excess money. If I can show him my diligence in this maybe he will be able to take me seriously on other money subjects, like making a plan for our kids college future, trusts, or financial investment strategies. Finally, I will be praying for God’s help in this.I will ask Him for wisdom, self-control, and a softness between my husband and I so that we can move forward in financial unity. It’s an experiment remember, so give me some time to implement my plan and I’ll check in with progress (good and bad) as I stay committed to the process. Help me Jesus!

Books, Character, Christianity, Fitness, Missions, Personal, Prayer, Pride, Struggle

To Walk the Walk

Sally

I’ve been down (although not completely out).  It seems that I continue to have a lot to learn about perseverance and staying on the path.  Summer tends to do this to me.   If I don’t have a schedule then I completely derail.  I continue to go on a crash course until I can’t stand myself or my kids one second longer and then I finally remember what the answer is, cling to God!  I cannot do it on my own, I never have been able to and I don’t expect to be able to for eternity.  I need to remember my dependence and embrace it like my life depends upon it because, well it does.

I had a mini-break down and got on my knees in full on confession.  Of course, I instantly felt better.  I suddenly had hope again because I realized that God was going to see me through.  The reality is He never left me; I was hiding from Him and from myself.  Why do I do this?

One thing I was recently made aware of is that I have some issues with fear.  I would never say that I was afraid of much before.  I don’t care too much about what people think of me, I have learned to not be fearful of my children’s future or my husband’s God –status.  I am not afraid of death or the future and money never had my heart.  None the less, I have discovered a lack of willingness to live my life to the fullest and I think it stems from fear.  I suspect it could be fear of the hard work required to crucify the flesh and finish something (obedience falls in there too).  I have been made aware of some strongholds in my life and how I might have left a door open to the enemy, giving him some dominion in my home.  Not good.

I need to be set free (again).  The first step to freedom is identifying what areas have been taken by strongholds and identifying what they are.  According to Robert Morris, in his book titled Truly Free: Breaking the Snares That So Easily Entangle, a sure sign there might be strongholds and footholds in our life is if we can identify continual and habitual sin.  Sin allows Satan on opportunity to control and influence us.  I would have to say yes, this has been true for me this summer.  My confession is that I have a habit of “numbing” by way of Netflix. It might not seem like sin to an outsider but I’ve learned that sin can be very overt in this way.   I can watch BBC episodes unending (something about those Brits!) and I do – as a means to escape my real life.  I don’t feel like dealing with my boys so then I’m off to my room to watch an episode.  I don’t feel like working out or cleaning or talking to my husband – off to my room to watch.  Sin!  I know that it is a distraction from what I really need to be doing and it keeps me from engaging in the fight and from really living my own life.  It steals, kills and destroys hours of precious life one hour at a time.  Sound familiar?  Sound like a door open for the enemy?  Does to me, and I’m addicted.  I’m being a slave to television not to God and therefore a slave to sin which leads to death and I will tell it to you straight, I have felt dead.  I have opened a door in my life for the enemy and I am a fool to think there won’t be consequences.

Another thing Robert Morris says that points to strongholds are continued illnesses.  I haven’t been sick from a physical standpoint but I have definitely been unhealthy.  I have gained a lot of weight and become very weak.  I can tell my body is breaking down and it is more than just my age starting to catch up to me.  I have developed a fear of working out (notice the word work there?).  I dread it and have been avoiding it for some unknown reason.  I think I have been believing  some lies that suggest  I can’t lose weight, that I can’t stick to a program to completion, that I can’t make my goals and so why try.  I denounce those lies!  If God says that I can do all things through Him then I can, and that includes completing some personal goals for healthy living and an active lifestyle.  I need to trust in what God says about me and what He has planned for me and I need to start embracing my calling which includes a healthy version of me.  Put the oxygen on yourself before helping others right?

The last thing to beware of is what he calls “continued influence”.  Thank goodness I haven’t gone that far off the deep end.  I don’t do astrology, horoscopes, psychics or the like.  Never have, never will.  I have recently become very sensitive to the idea of the spiritual world and how real it is (another blog) and that is why I am so disappointed that I may have left a door open in my home for the enemy to waltz right in and take me down.

One thing that has been saving me is God’s Word.  I still read my daily digest (as I call it) most every day and catching up when I miss.  This renewal of my mind has been imperative.  For me, it requires a good forty-five minutes of: Jesus Lives and Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, Love Out Loud: 365 Devotions for Loving God, Loving Yourself and Loving Others by Joyce Meyer, Breaking Free Day by Day and Praying God’s Word Day by Day by Beth Moore, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, The One Year Bible NLT from Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Devotions for Sacred Parenting: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Parents and Devotions for a Sacred Marriage: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Couples by Gary L. Thomas, Get Low: Reflections on Pride and Humility by Jack Wisdom and last but not least  65 Promises from God for Your Child: Powerful Prayers for Supernatural Results by Mike Shreve.  Does it seem like over kill?  Well, when you struggle with parenting, pride and love issues it’s not!

Here’s the thing, you can read all you want about God, self-help, God-help, spirituality, what to do, what not to do, etc. and it doesn’t make a bit of difference if you don’t actually apply the principals to your life.  At the very best it can be just another numbing technique (I suspect it has become dangerously close to this for me).  Kind of like feeling skinnier simply because you bought the gym membership or the treadmill.  I need to walk the walk and what I can’t seem to get is that walking actually requires steps to be made.  Not just a wiggle of a toe, not just a comprehensive head nod, or an amen, but an actual step.  And when you string these series of steps upon steps and look back you can finally see that you walked.  Then you realize that you need God to direct these steps so that you are on His chosen path for you and that you do not have the luxury of straying to the left or to the right because He loves you and He knows what ditch, cliff or stronghold waits for you on either side and you learn to trust Him in all things because of a relationship.  And a meaningful relationship with Him can only be developed through consistent prayer and submission.  I realize that I need to be talking to God before I leave the house because that’s where the majority of “steps” take place and I don’t want to be off my path from the get go.

I heard somewhere recently that while faith is an act of worshiping God, fear is an attitude of worshiping Satan.  I do not want to feed my fears, no matter how small and insignificant they might seem.  I do not want to give the enemy the pleasure of stopping me from reaching my potential, my goals and my ministry.  I need to make a series of steps, which make up a walk that show perseverance and a total reliance and trust in my Lord.  I have confessed to you my struggle and now I need a plan.  It starts simple I believe.  It starts with asking God to be with me as I fight the desire to resist working out, resist eating donuts, resist BBC programing.  It starts with noticing a hesitation, a bio-reaction maybe that smacks of fear and moving through that feeling with courage.  It’s when you make it through to the other side that you get to experience that wonder of joy and accomplishment.  That is where I want to live, in the arena with gloves on.  Meet me there!