A Fearless Journey Into The Unknown

I haven’t written in a long time. I have been otherwise consumed with research on a number of subjects that are nearly impossible to explain to the masses in a way that flows cohesively. I did find someone’s blog who has managed to do a pretty good job, although there is still so much more to it that even Richard Kallberg hasn’t been able to tie it all together. However, if I’ve peaked your curiosity from a couple of my last posts and you want to dig in deeper for yourself, you can find him here and hopefully this will start you on your own research journey because that kind of subject matter requires an individual to proceed independently in a spiritual way and also in a humble way (meaning you will need to admit to yourself that you might not know what you think you know). After the last couple years of seeking out truth and making some earth shattering discoveries about the world we live in, on September of 2018 I discovered something else that would be earth shattering. I discovered that I have breast cancer, invasive lobular carcinoma to be exact.

I went in for my yearly mammogram, something I’ve been doing every year since my late twenties, but this time I got called back for a more conclusive mammogram and ultrasound of my left breast. From there they wanted to do a biopsy but because no one had the guts to tell me it looked exactly like breast cancer I naively decided to just have “it” removed by surgery and have “it” tested after. I was thinking that it was just another cyst like I’ve had before and regardless of what they found at least it would be out of my body. So, I had surgery and not thinking too much about it went on with my life as usual until I got the call a week later; it’s cancer.

Press pause.

I want to stop here because first I want to honor the millions of women who have gone before me and who will unfortunately be going after me on this hideous roller coaster ride called breast cancer. Each and every one of them (or you) has their own specific and painful story to tell that is unique only to them. Some stories ended terribly, some stories have been on going for years and years without reprieve, some stories have been short and matter of fact, and still other stories have been that of miracles and healing. My story is just that, mine. I mean no disrespect to anyone who is going on this journey parallel to me, nor to anyone who has suffered a loss in this realm. I understand (now first hand) that the decisions you make when you are personally faced with this kind of news will be tough and there are no one size fits all right answers. So much needs to be weighed in the balance. For me the things that I had to think about were spiritual in nature, sensitive to an unbelieving husband who was extremely frightened, and based on years of nutritional and homeopathic research plus the journey and loss of a loved family member who died a very horrific death as a result of triple negative breast cancer two years prior. These things shape and influence you and your decisions and so you do the best you can with the knowledge, understanding and faith that you already have. With that being said, I’d like to share with you my unique journey and I’ve named it A Fearless Journey Into The Unknown.

From the minute the radiologist stepped into the room to conduct the ultrasound on my left breast I could feel a presence in there with us. It was thick and suffocating and I knew instantly what it was, fear. I was calm and unconcerned all the way up to this point but when the doctor walked in fear walked in with him. I know a lot about fear. Contrary to worldly belief, fear is not an emotion, it is a spirit and it is demonic in nature.

2 Timothy 1:7 NLT “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.”

The spirit of fear requires your partnership or agreement to “be afraid” and to allow those fearful type emotions to consume you. It gives over your power and authority to the thing you are afraid of. Fear can come into your life in many different ways but for the sake of my story I’m going to call out the obvious attacks fear tried to use on me; fear of a cancer diagnosis, fear of cancer the disease, fear of sickness, fear of chemo, fear of drugs, and of course fear of death. Once you partner with fear he can easily invite other demonic spirts to join in the torment. There all kinds of fears, phobias and spirits such as worry, anxiety, dread, apprehension, insomnia, nervousness. A common tactic the spirit of fear will try is to keep you from speaking up about your fears because fear wants to stay a secret. If it is operating in secret it has more control over the narrative. You must voice your fears and bring them to the light of Jesus who has ultimate power and authority over your life and who has already conquered the devil and his schemes with His blood on the cross. Demons do not want you to remember that they have no real power over you, only the power you give them. Let Jesus’ perfect love cast out all fear!

1 John 4:18 NLT “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love.”

So, I had a choice. I could allow fear to creep in and take hold of the situation or I could boldly go forward with peace and expectation that no matter how this journey was going to play out I would be okay. Either way, the future unfolds itself in its own time with its own good and bad revelations. Nothing you do in fear will change that but it will change your life in the “in betweens”. Fear will steal your peace while you wait (and cancer is the ultimate waiting game), it will make you more sick then you even should be, it will freak out everyone around you and it will be relentless in the quiet places. I chose to be fearless. I had that first surgery and went about my life like nothing happened. I was completely surprised when they called me with the lab results because I had managed to forget about them. I was taken aback with the diagnosis, but mostly because I hadn’t been worried about it. Fear was unable to steal any joy I had during the weeks in between. It was powerless over my situation and I intend for it to stay that way.

But, now I have the diagnosis and the reality that I’m going to have to embark on this journey that I’m not excited about at all. I have to tell the kids and John the diagnosis, my parents and my friends too. I have to make it real by accepting its implications and I have everyone looking at me to set the tone for how this is going to go down. Well, I’m a straight shooter and I just tell it straight. I tell the kids exactly what I know and I don’t sugar coat it. I tell my husband and I support him through the initial shock and grief and his own fears. I start telling friends and family and they all have their own unique reactions based off their own personal experiences with cancer either personally or by acquaintance. Some people were devastated and felt the news was an impending death sentence, others didn’t know how to react so they changed the subject. I think people are afraid of illness because it seems like a trap that once you get caught you won’t be released. I know one thing, it makes you face your mortality. Anything you’ve ever said or done to soothe yourself over the subject of death gets pulled out into the light, scrutinized and questioned.

This is the real underlying issue right? Are you going to die? And if you are going to die then that means I’m going to die and I don’t want to think about that right now so let’s fight cancer and push that fact of life right back under the rug. Here’s some honesty, I don’t want to die. I have young boys who still need their mother, I have a husband who needs a wife, I want to enjoy the retirement life, I have a million things I need to get busy doing. I am very apprehensive of death, like that moment when you draw in your last breath and then . . . And then what? Is it painful? Are you aware of being dead? Are you “conscious” of being cremated or buried? Do you have to watch your family struggle without you from the other side? These are the soul questions that have to be answered and they have to be definitive for there to be any peace around the subject of death. There has to be a crisis of faith to really know if you have any, and I’m in it.

But, that’s not the end of the story. There are many more chapters being written even as I write this so come back as I continue to share my journey.