Tag: Parenting

Parenting topics

Books, Christianity, Parenting, Personal, Thanksgiving

I Am Grateful

Sally

Well, summer is over and the kids are back in school. We’ve been able to get back into some good schedules and routines which means . . . I am able to start blogging again. And none too soon either as I struggle with several new trials, character flaws, relationship issues and the like. Regardless, I am grateful. Yes, I choose thanksgiving in spite of the hurts, the misunderstandings, the shame and guilt and brokenness. I can control nothing and I can trust no one but I can trust Jesus and know that He is in control. The long and short of it is I have given it all to Him. And in the giving of my pain and bewilderment, confusion and embarrassment, I have found peace and most importantly growth.

Before summer break started, the small prayer group I attend was beginning a study by Ann Voskamp called One Thousand Gifts. We each got fresh notebooks to start what I thought would be a Gratitude Journal and with it I felt I knew what to expect – another feel good bible study where we try to sugar coat life’s bitterness by loosing ourselves in the positive rather than the negative. I couldn’t have been more wrong. We managed to get through only one introductory session before we dispersed for summer but in that first session I found a wellspring of insights that touched some very deep and tender spots hidden in my heart. I went on to read her book these last few weeks and have been so blessed because of it.

To understand how I feel things you need to know a little more about me. One of my personality traits happens to be sentimentality. I am very aware of the passing of time and with it people, places, and things. I am drawn to the elderly and their stories as I strain to understand how the world keeps changing. I habitually watch Turner Classic movies and have been watching “black and whites” since I was a small girl. I love to read old classics and would look at publishing dates when choosing books at my local library to be sure they were circa 1959. I find estate jewelry to be intriguing, old homes fascinating and I have been known to use the word “mooning” in conversation. With this kind of disposition I find myself very melancholy at times and that translated into a tangible depression when my children were born.

With children about, you are constantly reminded that time is passing and moments are fleeting whether you are ready for them to be or not. I have tortured myself with questions like, “Is this going to be the last time I will ever rock him to sleep?” or “Is this the last night they will let me sing to them at bedtime?” We all know that there is a “last time” but often are so busy keeping up with the different phases or frustrations of child rearing that moments like these can be passed by unnoticed only to be sorely missed later. Children grow like weeds, right before your eyes and you can’t hold onto them no matter how you try. I have tried to take mental pictures, memorization’s of moments that I held precious but even those become fuzzy with time.  I have been left with sadness many nights because the mom I wanted to be in this crazy fast time that I get to be a mom is hardly ever the mom I am and I know that those days, hours, moments are lost to me forever. I can not reconcile it so I mourn it with longing and with passion.

Ann Voskamp understands this. She spoke to my heart, her sorrow to mine, when she wrote,

“. . . and these six kids lean hard into me all day to teach and raise and lead and I fail hard and there are real souls that are at stake and how long do I really have to figure out how to live full of grace, full of joy – before these six beautiful children fly the coop and my mothering days fold up quiet?”

Ann has discovered the answer and I am thrilled. The answer could help me find joy in the moments and actually slow down that clock which I resist so much. The answer for Ann, and now for me, is eucharisteo. It is a Greek word and my understanding of this word is; to find grace (God’s gift) in all things and in each moment, give thanks for it and in return experience joy. There are so many layers to this principle that Ann Voskamp so beautifully explains in One Thousand Gifts and my soul has eagerly lapped up each and every word desperate to find my loving God in all things. As for slowing down time, I need to slow down and appreciate each moment for the gift that it is. In so doing, I keep my eyes on God with my hands open to Him and all He sees fit to give me (including the pain) and my heart stays open with thanksgiving knowing and noticing all the ways that He loves me and then the joy comes.

As Ann said,

“Thanksgiving creates abundance; and the miracle of multiplying happens when I give thanks – take the just one loaf, say it is enough, and give thanks – and He miraculously makes it more than enough.”

This works for time too. Give thanks to God for the time I have from moment to moment and I can be mindful of the gift that it is and receive all the joy those moments have to offer. It slows me down so that I am more aware of it all and not so fast to tear at it with my anger and impatience. The miracle then for me is less regret and I am so thankful for it.

That new notebook is not a Gratitude Journal. No, it is much more then that. It is a collection, a counting, of moments – gifts from God, reminders of how good He is. It is a perspective changer, an attitude adjustment and a journal of the spirit. It is holy and present; it is a communion with God. He loves our praise and He loves our thanksgiving and now I love to give it. I too am counting my gifts from God and though I am only on #220 (little lost Chiclet teeth making adorable snaggle tooth smiles) I will press on and continue counting well past one thousand. It is so healing.

Ann Voskamp also talks about perspective and it applies to everything I think and do. How I see is going to affect everything. If my eyes (my perspective) are bad then so is everything else in my life. She refers to what Jesus said in Matthew 6:22-23 (ESV)

“The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!”

If I don’t stay on top of my daily “dialysis” by reading the Word (bible) then I am not being filled with the light and of course darkness sets in.

Ann describes it like this,

“Bad eyes fill with darkness so heavy the soul aches because empty is never truly empty; empty is only a full, deepening darkness.”

I have personally experienced that; another solid motivator to keep me in God’s Word. Thank you Ann and thank you Jesus for helping me see so many things I’ve needed to see for so long. I am grateful!

Books, Christianity, Friendship, Parenting, Pride

Self-forgetfulness

Sally

In the circles I run in, there is only one topic that is more taboo to discuss then even religion or politics and that topic is what school you think your children should attend.  This conversation gets under my skin every time.  I can get emotional, I can get angry, and I can get put off but worst of all I can get tempted to tell you exactly what I think about what you think.  The truth is it doesn’t matter what I think because there is no right answer.  What is right for you and your family is right for you and your family and what is right for me and my family is exactly that, right for me and my family.  It isn’t a one-size fits all equation.  So why do I tend to get so defensive and what can I do to be free of all that junk?

I feel like the core of this issue for me resides in pride.  It is born out of the need to compare myself to other people.  We want to feel superior thus leading us to try to make superior decisions in which we are hoping for superior outcomes.  Pride exists in the desire to be better or have more then the other person and for a lot of moms that desire plays out in our kids.  We want our children to prove our superior parenting styles and our above average intellects.

To be determined superior we would need a judge, or someone involved who is qualified to pronounce a “winner” in these sorts of controversies.  But there isn’t a human on earth qualified for this position because no human can look into the future and see exactly what impact a certain school is going to have on our little people or see how these little people will ultimately turn out as big people, and besides, there are so many other factors to consider that you would never be comparing apples to apples.  If I am seeking Jesus for guidance, I can trust that He will guide me and where He leads me is going to be different from where He leads you because I am me and you are you.

So, I believe pride is the culprit and our desire to compare ourselves to each other instead of allowing God to be the judge, which is our downfall.  In 1 Corinthians 4:3 the Apostle Paul has a very different outlook and I think if I can adopt it for my own I will be free of these prideful exchanges.  He says,

“I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.  My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent.  It is the Lord who judges me.  Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes.  He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts.  At that time each will receive his praise from God.”

I have been re-reading Timothy Keller’s book The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness.  I say re-reading because this is one of those books I like to keep handy to help me get my head right every time I feel like the comparison monster is creeping into my heart (and this can be often).  He calls boosting our self-esteem a “trap”.  And I couldn’t agree more.  Timothy talks about gospel-humility and he says,

“True gospel-humility means I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself.  In fact, I stop thinking about myself.  The freedom of self-forgetfulness.  The blessed rest that only self-forgetfulness brings.”

I want some of that!

Timothy Keller ties this back to what Paul is saying in 1 Corinthians.  Paul seems to suggest, ‘I don’t care what you think and I don’t care what I think’ and (I might add) we both should only care what God thinks.  This needs to be my new motto.

This way of thinking could help me in so many areas of my life, especially when keeping up with the Jones’ is such a part of our culture.  Again, I do not want to be of this world and this world’s culture.  I want to follow Paul’s example and only worry about what God is asking of me, what God’s judgment of me will be.  I want to put my trust in God, knowing that He has full control over my children’s education and future.  I don’t need to be worried about any of it, nor do I need to be boastful or prideful and I certainly don’t need to be comparing my plan to yours.  I need to stop caring about what you think and stop caring about what I think but keep my goals in line with what Jesus thinks so that I can find freedom amidst these difficult conversations.

To all my friends whom I might have offended with my strong opinions, I apologize!