Tag: Christianity

Cancer, Character, Christianity, Courage, Personal, Struggle

No Hair, Don’t Care . . .Or Do I?

Sally

As the date for my first chemo infusion swiftly approaches there were some things I needed to consider and a port that needed to be installed. There is a device called the DigniCap Scalp Cooling System, developed in Sweden and used in Europe since the 1970’s, that had finally been approved by the FDA for use in the US in December of 2015. The function of this cap is to keep your hair follicles cold enough that they shrink thereby absorbing less of the chemotherapy medicine which otherwise would kill the follicles, thus the hair loss. This silicon cap worn tight on the scalp is computer-controlled and monitors contact points on the scalp to continually adjust and keep the temperature of the scalp at 32F. There is an hour cooling period prior to the infusion that gets your scalp down to temperature and you wear it through the whole process and continue to wear it for a couple of hours after. They tell you that this devise will greatly reduce hair loss but in the brochure there is a whole lot more to it. For instance, you can’t color or bleach your hair, you can’t use most shampoos or hair products that have chemicals in them, you can’t use blow dryers or curling irons, you can’t tie your hair back in ponytails, and you need to comb your hair with a wide tooth comb several times a day to keep the hair that is falling out from matting with the hair that is still hanging on. This sounds like a nightmare because I’ve been dying my hair for thirty years, I know it’s grey and if I can’t keep up with the dye job it will grow out like a skunk stripe.

I needed to have someone give it to me straight, what the realistic expectation of hair loss is even with the use of this cap. I called up one of the nurses who works the chemotherapy wing and I asked her some really pointed questions. I could tell that she was trained to relay everything in a super optimistic way so I finally had to say, “Listen, I don’t care about the vanity of this situation. I need to know for upkeep and overall results what I can expect from this cap because I am considering shaving my head anyway.” She finally admitted that the cap was originally designed to save hair follicles from permanent damage not necessarily to stop the hair loss during treatment. She said I can still expect to lose up to 50% of my hair. This is information I needed because now it makes more sense for me to do what I can to simplify my hair care and to reduce the shock of handfuls of hair coming out. I decide to have my stylist (who also happens to be my sister) shave my head on all sides leaving a cute amount on top to play with. She did a balayage bleach treatment so that the hair will look more natural and not a stripe if it grows. This was a big deal just because I have long “blonde” hair and I’ve never cut it very short in my life. Here was another hurdle to overcome on my Fearless Journey Into The Unknown.

I think, as women, we tend to find our identities in things external. How we think we look to the world and to ourselves can either give us confidence or make us insecure. We might hide behind things like fashion, hair, makeup or high end bling. I felt empowered by my decision to face hair loss straight on by shaving my head but the minute I stepped out into public I had to face the reality that I no longer looked like “myself” and I could no longer hide behind that false sense of security. I had a really hard time with that person looking back at me in the mirror. She looked so foreign and she looked so masculine. It was hard to be out and about because I felt like people were assuming I might be gay or liberal. Yes, I said it. We, as a society, use looks as a means to stereotype people and it can lead to judgmental assumptions. These assumptions are not necessarily good or bad but they often aren’t true and when we deal with people based off of something that is not true it limits our ability to know them and love them for who they really are. I’m not upset by homosexuality nor by liberal belief systems, but I should be aware that I myself have preconceived ideas of what looks “gay” or “liberal” or whatever and how that effects my ability to accept and love people where they are for who they are regardless of how they present themselves. This is a lesson in love that I didn’t see coming and I’m so grateful for it. I need to learn to see people the way God sees people. I need to see their soul, their heart, their dreams, their hurts, their humanity. I need to see them the way I want to be seen, deeper than the external allows.

I John 4:7-8 NLT “Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”

I Corinthians 16:14 NLT “And do everything with love.”

Luke 6:32 NLT “If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them!”

John 15:17 NLT “This is my command: love each other.”

God is really working on my heart, melting away a hard shell that has been constricting and deluding me for years. Love is an action and an attitude. It’s an openness that wants to embrace all people for all that they are. It strips away external and embraces eternal (the soul). The only way to win people in this upside down world is to love them. I need that same curtesy, especially now. I’m broken wide open and feel free to freely love for the first time in my life, and I’m thinking of taking the hair one step further by dying it pink. God is good too. That first trip to the grocery store, a woman stopped me in the isle and said that she loved my look and she wanted me to know. I have had a lot of people tell me that this style really seems to embody my real personality and that I really can rock the shave. I have never had so many strangers bless me with compliments in my life. I take this as a hug from God telling me that I am still cute, I’m more than my hair, and He helped bolster my confidence.

**Update, about three weeks after my first infusion treatment the hair started falling out in clumps and handfuls. I have to testify that shaving my head the way I did was very much the right decision for me. It was alarming to see the amounts of hair in my hand and collected around the drain. I am very thin on the sides now. I think this would have been way harder to navigate if I was still trying to hang on to the illusion of hair. It is hard to keep up with the shedding even when I don’t have as much longer hair to worry about.

Books, Character, Christianity, Fitness, Missions, Personal, Prayer, Pride, Struggle

To Walk the Walk

Sally

I’ve been down (although not completely out).  It seems that I continue to have a lot to learn about perseverance and staying on the path.  Summer tends to do this to me.   If I don’t have a schedule then I completely derail.  I continue to go on a crash course until I can’t stand myself or my kids one second longer and then I finally remember what the answer is, cling to God!  I cannot do it on my own, I never have been able to and I don’t expect to be able to for eternity.  I need to remember my dependence and embrace it like my life depends upon it because, well it does.

I had a mini-break down and got on my knees in full on confession.  Of course, I instantly felt better.  I suddenly had hope again because I realized that God was going to see me through.  The reality is He never left me; I was hiding from Him and from myself.  Why do I do this?

One thing I was recently made aware of is that I have some issues with fear.  I would never say that I was afraid of much before.  I don’t care too much about what people think of me, I have learned to not be fearful of my children’s future or my husband’s God –status.  I am not afraid of death or the future and money never had my heart.  None the less, I have discovered a lack of willingness to live my life to the fullest and I think it stems from fear.  I suspect it could be fear of the hard work required to crucify the flesh and finish something (obedience falls in there too).  I have been made aware of some strongholds in my life and how I might have left a door open to the enemy, giving him some dominion in my home.  Not good.

I need to be set free (again).  The first step to freedom is identifying what areas have been taken by strongholds and identifying what they are.  According to Robert Morris, in his book titled Truly Free: Breaking the Snares That So Easily Entangle, a sure sign there might be strongholds and footholds in our life is if we can identify continual and habitual sin.  Sin allows Satan on opportunity to control and influence us.  I would have to say yes, this has been true for me this summer.  My confession is that I have a habit of “numbing” by way of Netflix. It might not seem like sin to an outsider but I’ve learned that sin can be very overt in this way.   I can watch BBC episodes unending (something about those Brits!) and I do – as a means to escape my real life.  I don’t feel like dealing with my boys so then I’m off to my room to watch an episode.  I don’t feel like working out or cleaning or talking to my husband – off to my room to watch.  Sin!  I know that it is a distraction from what I really need to be doing and it keeps me from engaging in the fight and from really living my own life.  It steals, kills and destroys hours of precious life one hour at a time.  Sound familiar?  Sound like a door open for the enemy?  Does to me, and I’m addicted.  I’m being a slave to television not to God and therefore a slave to sin which leads to death and I will tell it to you straight, I have felt dead.  I have opened a door in my life for the enemy and I am a fool to think there won’t be consequences.

Another thing Robert Morris says that points to strongholds are continued illnesses.  I haven’t been sick from a physical standpoint but I have definitely been unhealthy.  I have gained a lot of weight and become very weak.  I can tell my body is breaking down and it is more than just my age starting to catch up to me.  I have developed a fear of working out (notice the word work there?).  I dread it and have been avoiding it for some unknown reason.  I think I have been believing  some lies that suggest  I can’t lose weight, that I can’t stick to a program to completion, that I can’t make my goals and so why try.  I denounce those lies!  If God says that I can do all things through Him then I can, and that includes completing some personal goals for healthy living and an active lifestyle.  I need to trust in what God says about me and what He has planned for me and I need to start embracing my calling which includes a healthy version of me.  Put the oxygen on yourself before helping others right?

The last thing to beware of is what he calls “continued influence”.  Thank goodness I haven’t gone that far off the deep end.  I don’t do astrology, horoscopes, psychics or the like.  Never have, never will.  I have recently become very sensitive to the idea of the spiritual world and how real it is (another blog) and that is why I am so disappointed that I may have left a door open in my home for the enemy to waltz right in and take me down.

One thing that has been saving me is God’s Word.  I still read my daily digest (as I call it) most every day and catching up when I miss.  This renewal of my mind has been imperative.  For me, it requires a good forty-five minutes of: Jesus Lives and Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, Love Out Loud: 365 Devotions for Loving God, Loving Yourself and Loving Others by Joyce Meyer, Breaking Free Day by Day and Praying God’s Word Day by Day by Beth Moore, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, The One Year Bible NLT from Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Devotions for Sacred Parenting: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Parents and Devotions for a Sacred Marriage: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Couples by Gary L. Thomas, Get Low: Reflections on Pride and Humility by Jack Wisdom and last but not least  65 Promises from God for Your Child: Powerful Prayers for Supernatural Results by Mike Shreve.  Does it seem like over kill?  Well, when you struggle with parenting, pride and love issues it’s not!

Here’s the thing, you can read all you want about God, self-help, God-help, spirituality, what to do, what not to do, etc. and it doesn’t make a bit of difference if you don’t actually apply the principals to your life.  At the very best it can be just another numbing technique (I suspect it has become dangerously close to this for me).  Kind of like feeling skinnier simply because you bought the gym membership or the treadmill.  I need to walk the walk and what I can’t seem to get is that walking actually requires steps to be made.  Not just a wiggle of a toe, not just a comprehensive head nod, or an amen, but an actual step.  And when you string these series of steps upon steps and look back you can finally see that you walked.  Then you realize that you need God to direct these steps so that you are on His chosen path for you and that you do not have the luxury of straying to the left or to the right because He loves you and He knows what ditch, cliff or stronghold waits for you on either side and you learn to trust Him in all things because of a relationship.  And a meaningful relationship with Him can only be developed through consistent prayer and submission.  I realize that I need to be talking to God before I leave the house because that’s where the majority of “steps” take place and I don’t want to be off my path from the get go.

I heard somewhere recently that while faith is an act of worshiping God, fear is an attitude of worshiping Satan.  I do not want to feed my fears, no matter how small and insignificant they might seem.  I do not want to give the enemy the pleasure of stopping me from reaching my potential, my goals and my ministry.  I need to make a series of steps, which make up a walk that show perseverance and a total reliance and trust in my Lord.  I have confessed to you my struggle and now I need a plan.  It starts simple I believe.  It starts with asking God to be with me as I fight the desire to resist working out, resist eating donuts, resist BBC programing.  It starts with noticing a hesitation, a bio-reaction maybe that smacks of fear and moving through that feeling with courage.  It’s when you make it through to the other side that you get to experience that wonder of joy and accomplishment.  That is where I want to live, in the arena with gloves on.  Meet me there!

Books, Christianity, Holy Spirit, Love, Quotes

Happy Anniversary Lord

Sally

Today is the twelve year anniversary of my baptism. I am pleased to report that my seeking God has resulted in absolutely finding Him. There is so much more to know about Him and so much more to be refined in my walk with Him but He has been meeting me right where I’m at, just as promised.

Deuteronomy 4:29 (NIV) “But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with all your heart and with all your soul.”

The whole point of this blog has been to diary, document, and open dialogue about the difficulty of seeking God through the troubles, stresses and weaknesses that this human existence brings about. And yet, about six months ago, I experienced what I would consider to be a crisis of faith and my journey became so personally painful that I have been unable to share.

Then my mentor and spiritual mother in Christ recently asked me what I have learned so far, just in January of this New Year, that I could reflect on. I have been thinking about this and have realized that I have learned so much in just a few short weeks that my blog should be bursting.

So, not in any particular order here it is . . .

  1. Reasoning can be a sin and it is not normal for your mind to be in a constant state of reasoning.

I have turned a past conflict around and around in my mind trying to understand the “why” in it all and have only come up with lots of reasoning based on human understanding and this has been the cause of much confusion.

As Joyce Meyer points out in her book The Battlefield of the Mind, “Reasoning is dangerous for many reasons, but one of them is this: we can reason and figure something out that seems to make sense to us. But what we have reasoned to be correct may still be incorrect.” And also she says, “I want to experience the peace of mind and heart that comes from trusting in God, not in my own human insight and understanding.”

Me too!

  1. I have been increasingly convicted about the words I speak. I was told by the Lord in a big way, “Be silent!” about a situation and believe me I am trying to be obedient.

Proverbs 18:20, 21 (NIV) “From the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

I am convicted the Bible is telling me that I must be satisfied with the consequences my words have brought. But, as I sit in those consequences now, I can render it a reminder to try to only speak life going forward because those words should be sweeter to swallow.

  1. Wisdom is the knowing of what to do with knowledge.

I believe that I have been given a gift of discernment and insight, intuition perhaps. And it is a tool (along with empathy and my own human struggle) that I have often used in my relationships as I try to understand and meet people where they are at in life. But it can be a double-edged sword as well, a sword that could easily be turned back on my own breast.

The world’s definition of discernment is having the ability to judge well; insight means having the capacity to gain an accurate and deep understanding of someone or something; and intuition means the ability to understand something instinctively, without the need for conscious reasoning. You employ any of these “gifts” outside of God’s Word, apart from humility and without total reliance on His Holy Spirit and you can very well have a disaster on your hands. Yes, lots of times this understanding has helped me guide people back to God and true healing but I need not take that responsibility solely on my own shoulders but let the full burden be God’s.

To keep myself safe from trouble I must be residing 100% in the Vine. I must be completely in a place of humility and it absolutely can not be coming from a seat of judgment (as the world sees judgment) but merely from observation. Even so, maybe God will have me remain silent. Boundaries need to be in place, love in full action, and gentleness of Spirit evident. Prayer should be first and foremost. Communication with God before any other communication will commence.

  1. Love is an action not a verb.

I know that loving other humans is a command from God and a requirement for a holy existence, but I kept looking for the love feeling to produce the action. Now I know that it is the action regardless of the feeling that is where real love resides. Yes, to some this concept seems elementary but for me it was revolutionary. A lesson that has been hard learned but one I hope to never unlearn. I am now free to love lots of people in my life who have been very unlovely to me. And low and behold, my love has been reaping rewards of returned affection. This hasn’t been the rule but it is greatly welcomed and a true testament to the power of God’s Word and how His economy works. Much more on my love walk later.

  1. “Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on which of our needs are not getting met.” taken from the book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg and Arun Gandhi

This has been a very life changing concept. If I am angry at my husband and I stop to ask myself if there is an unmet need at the root of my anger I can always find it. Same thing is true concerning annoyances with my children and my friends. If I am able to acknowledge the need that is the source I am able to understand the anger for what it really is and therefore I am able to address it head on as something I have need of instead of as something they are or are not doing. Then the responsibility is on me to communicate this need in an appropriate way and in so doing I might be able to get my needs met in the future which is much more proactive and less alienating then just getting angry about it.

This is helpful also when trying to understand why someone is angry with me. And a very standard need most people ultimately have is to be seen and heard.

As Marshall Rosenberg states, “Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain.”

I can be a better lover of people just by taking the time to hear their pain in spite of their words and actions against me. I don’t have to take everything personal.

  1. Pruning is painful but so NECESSARY!

If anything or anyone (other than God Himself) is a prop in your life, God will kick it out from under you. I long to produce spiritual fruit and just like a tree that needs to be pruned for better growth and fruit bearing capabilities – we also need pruning. I like how after the dead stuff is cut away you are left with a clearer vision of your life and where it needs to be headed. I love how in the midst of the storm you cling to God all the more fiercely and He is so comforting through it. I love how when things seem to be impossible, that is when He is going to do His most evident work. I love how He works all things for our good. And I love how His love prompts His discipline. God is doing a work in me and like gold I need not be afraid of the fire because through it the impurities will be removed.

I have been through a lot recently but it is all but a mere flea bite compared to what our brothers and sisters in Christ across the world are suffering due to terrible persecution and oppression of faith. I must always remember to keep my problems in perspective! I am blessed and I need to be a blessing to those around me.

Whew, if this is what a few short weeks have brought I need to hold on to my hat for the rest of the year. It will prove to be a big one I think!

Books, Christianity, Parenting, Personal, Thanksgiving

I Am Grateful

Sally

Well, summer is over and the kids are back in school. We’ve been able to get back into some good schedules and routines which means . . . I am able to start blogging again. And none too soon either as I struggle with several new trials, character flaws, relationship issues and the like. Regardless, I am grateful. Yes, I choose thanksgiving in spite of the hurts, the misunderstandings, the shame and guilt and brokenness. I can control nothing and I can trust no one but I can trust Jesus and know that He is in control. The long and short of it is I have given it all to Him. And in the giving of my pain and bewilderment, confusion and embarrassment, I have found peace and most importantly growth.

Before summer break started, the small prayer group I attend was beginning a study by Ann Voskamp called One Thousand Gifts. We each got fresh notebooks to start what I thought would be a Gratitude Journal and with it I felt I knew what to expect – another feel good bible study where we try to sugar coat life’s bitterness by loosing ourselves in the positive rather than the negative. I couldn’t have been more wrong. We managed to get through only one introductory session before we dispersed for summer but in that first session I found a wellspring of insights that touched some very deep and tender spots hidden in my heart. I went on to read her book these last few weeks and have been so blessed because of it.

To understand how I feel things you need to know a little more about me. One of my personality traits happens to be sentimentality. I am very aware of the passing of time and with it people, places, and things. I am drawn to the elderly and their stories as I strain to understand how the world keeps changing. I habitually watch Turner Classic movies and have been watching “black and whites” since I was a small girl. I love to read old classics and would look at publishing dates when choosing books at my local library to be sure they were circa 1959. I find estate jewelry to be intriguing, old homes fascinating and I have been known to use the word “mooning” in conversation. With this kind of disposition I find myself very melancholy at times and that translated into a tangible depression when my children were born.

With children about, you are constantly reminded that time is passing and moments are fleeting whether you are ready for them to be or not. I have tortured myself with questions like, “Is this going to be the last time I will ever rock him to sleep?” or “Is this the last night they will let me sing to them at bedtime?” We all know that there is a “last time” but often are so busy keeping up with the different phases or frustrations of child rearing that moments like these can be passed by unnoticed only to be sorely missed later. Children grow like weeds, right before your eyes and you can’t hold onto them no matter how you try. I have tried to take mental pictures, memorization’s of moments that I held precious but even those become fuzzy with time.  I have been left with sadness many nights because the mom I wanted to be in this crazy fast time that I get to be a mom is hardly ever the mom I am and I know that those days, hours, moments are lost to me forever. I can not reconcile it so I mourn it with longing and with passion.

Ann Voskamp understands this. She spoke to my heart, her sorrow to mine, when she wrote,

“. . . and these six kids lean hard into me all day to teach and raise and lead and I fail hard and there are real souls that are at stake and how long do I really have to figure out how to live full of grace, full of joy – before these six beautiful children fly the coop and my mothering days fold up quiet?”

Ann has discovered the answer and I am thrilled. The answer could help me find joy in the moments and actually slow down that clock which I resist so much. The answer for Ann, and now for me, is eucharisteo. It is a Greek word and my understanding of this word is; to find grace (God’s gift) in all things and in each moment, give thanks for it and in return experience joy. There are so many layers to this principle that Ann Voskamp so beautifully explains in One Thousand Gifts and my soul has eagerly lapped up each and every word desperate to find my loving God in all things. As for slowing down time, I need to slow down and appreciate each moment for the gift that it is. In so doing, I keep my eyes on God with my hands open to Him and all He sees fit to give me (including the pain) and my heart stays open with thanksgiving knowing and noticing all the ways that He loves me and then the joy comes.

As Ann said,

“Thanksgiving creates abundance; and the miracle of multiplying happens when I give thanks – take the just one loaf, say it is enough, and give thanks – and He miraculously makes it more than enough.”

This works for time too. Give thanks to God for the time I have from moment to moment and I can be mindful of the gift that it is and receive all the joy those moments have to offer. It slows me down so that I am more aware of it all and not so fast to tear at it with my anger and impatience. The miracle then for me is less regret and I am so thankful for it.

That new notebook is not a Gratitude Journal. No, it is much more then that. It is a collection, a counting, of moments – gifts from God, reminders of how good He is. It is a perspective changer, an attitude adjustment and a journal of the spirit. It is holy and present; it is a communion with God. He loves our praise and He loves our thanksgiving and now I love to give it. I too am counting my gifts from God and though I am only on #220 (little lost Chiclet teeth making adorable snaggle tooth smiles) I will press on and continue counting well past one thousand. It is so healing.

Ann Voskamp also talks about perspective and it applies to everything I think and do. How I see is going to affect everything. If my eyes (my perspective) are bad then so is everything else in my life. She refers to what Jesus said in Matthew 6:22-23 (ESV)

“The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!”

If I don’t stay on top of my daily “dialysis” by reading the Word (bible) then I am not being filled with the light and of course darkness sets in.

Ann describes it like this,

“Bad eyes fill with darkness so heavy the soul aches because empty is never truly empty; empty is only a full, deepening darkness.”

I have personally experienced that; another solid motivator to keep me in God’s Word. Thank you Ann and thank you Jesus for helping me see so many things I’ve needed to see for so long. I am grateful!