Books, Christianity, Holy Spirit, Love, Quotes

Happy Anniversary Lord

Sally

Today is the twelve year anniversary of my baptism. I am pleased to report that my seeking God has resulted in absolutely finding Him. There is so much more to know about Him and so much more to be refined in my walk with Him but He has been meeting me right where I’m at, just as promised.

Deuteronomy 4:29 (NIV) “But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with all your heart and with all your soul.”

The whole point of this blog has been to diary, document, and open dialogue about the difficulty of seeking God through the troubles, stresses and weaknesses that this human existence brings about. And yet, about six months ago, I experienced what I would consider to be a crisis of faith and my journey became so personally painful that I have been unable to share.

Then my mentor and spiritual mother in Christ recently asked me what I have learned so far, just in January of this New Year, that I could reflect on. I have been thinking about this and have realized that I have learned so much in just a few short weeks that my blog should be bursting.

So, not in any particular order here it is . . .

  1. Reasoning can be a sin and it is not normal for your mind to be in a constant state of reasoning.

I have turned a past conflict around and around in my mind trying to understand the “why” in it all and have only come up with lots of reasoning based on human understanding and this has been the cause of much confusion.

As Joyce Meyer points out in her book The Battlefield of the Mind, “Reasoning is dangerous for many reasons, but one of them is this: we can reason and figure something out that seems to make sense to us. But what we have reasoned to be correct may still be incorrect.” And also she says, “I want to experience the peace of mind and heart that comes from trusting in God, not in my own human insight and understanding.”

Me too!

  1. I have been increasingly convicted about the words I speak. I was told by the Lord in a big way, “Be silent!” about a situation and believe me I am trying to be obedient.

Proverbs 18:20, 21 (NIV) “From the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

I am convicted the Bible is telling me that I must be satisfied with the consequences my words have brought. But, as I sit in those consequences now, I can render it a reminder to try to only speak life going forward because those words should be sweeter to swallow.

  1. Wisdom is the knowing of what to do with knowledge.

I believe that I have been given a gift of discernment and insight, intuition perhaps. And it is a tool (along with empathy and my own human struggle) that I have often used in my relationships as I try to understand and meet people where they are at in life. But it can be a double-edged sword as well, a sword that could easily be turned back on my own breast.

The world’s definition of discernment is having the ability to judge well; insight means having the capacity to gain an accurate and deep understanding of someone or something; and intuition means the ability to understand something instinctively, without the need for conscious reasoning. You employ any of these “gifts” outside of God’s Word, apart from humility and without total reliance on His Holy Spirit and you can very well have a disaster on your hands. Yes, lots of times this understanding has helped me guide people back to God and true healing but I need not take that responsibility solely on my own shoulders but let the full burden be God’s.

To keep myself safe from trouble I must be residing 100% in the Vine. I must be completely in a place of humility and it absolutely can not be coming from a seat of judgment (as the world sees judgment) but merely from observation. Even so, maybe God will have me remain silent. Boundaries need to be in place, love in full action, and gentleness of Spirit evident. Prayer should be first and foremost. Communication with God before any other communication will commence.

  1. Love is an action not a verb.

I know that loving other humans is a command from God and a requirement for a holy existence, but I kept looking for the love feeling to produce the action. Now I know that it is the action regardless of the feeling that is where real love resides. Yes, to some this concept seems elementary but for me it was revolutionary. A lesson that has been hard learned but one I hope to never unlearn. I am now free to love lots of people in my life who have been very unlovely to me. And low and behold, my love has been reaping rewards of returned affection. This hasn’t been the rule but it is greatly welcomed and a true testament to the power of God’s Word and how His economy works. Much more on my love walk later.

  1. “Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on which of our needs are not getting met.” taken from the book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg and Arun Gandhi

This has been a very life changing concept. If I am angry at my husband and I stop to ask myself if there is an unmet need at the root of my anger I can always find it. Same thing is true concerning annoyances with my children and my friends. If I am able to acknowledge the need that is the source I am able to understand the anger for what it really is and therefore I am able to address it head on as something I have need of instead of as something they are or are not doing. Then the responsibility is on me to communicate this need in an appropriate way and in so doing I might be able to get my needs met in the future which is much more proactive and less alienating then just getting angry about it.

This is helpful also when trying to understand why someone is angry with me. And a very standard need most people ultimately have is to be seen and heard.

As Marshall Rosenberg states, “Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain.”

I can be a better lover of people just by taking the time to hear their pain in spite of their words and actions against me. I don’t have to take everything personal.

  1. Pruning is painful but so NECESSARY!

If anything or anyone (other than God Himself) is a prop in your life, God will kick it out from under you. I long to produce spiritual fruit and just like a tree that needs to be pruned for better growth and fruit bearing capabilities – we also need pruning. I like how after the dead stuff is cut away you are left with a clearer vision of your life and where it needs to be headed. I love how in the midst of the storm you cling to God all the more fiercely and He is so comforting through it. I love how when things seem to be impossible, that is when He is going to do His most evident work. I love how He works all things for our good. And I love how His love prompts His discipline. God is doing a work in me and like gold I need not be afraid of the fire because through it the impurities will be removed.

I have been through a lot recently but it is all but a mere flea bite compared to what our brothers and sisters in Christ across the world are suffering due to terrible persecution and oppression of faith. I must always remember to keep my problems in perspective! I am blessed and I need to be a blessing to those around me.

Whew, if this is what a few short weeks have brought I need to hold on to my hat for the rest of the year. It will prove to be a big one I think!

Books, Christianity, Parenting, Personal, Thanksgiving

I Am Grateful

Sally

Well, summer is over and the kids are back in school. We’ve been able to get back into some good schedules and routines which means . . . I am able to start blogging again. And none too soon either as I struggle with several new trials, character flaws, relationship issues and the like. Regardless, I am grateful. Yes, I choose thanksgiving in spite of the hurts, the misunderstandings, the shame and guilt and brokenness. I can control nothing and I can trust no one but I can trust Jesus and know that He is in control. The long and short of it is I have given it all to Him. And in the giving of my pain and bewilderment, confusion and embarrassment, I have found peace and most importantly growth.

Before summer break started, the small prayer group I attend was beginning a study by Ann Voskamp called One Thousand Gifts. We each got fresh notebooks to start what I thought would be a Gratitude Journal and with it I felt I knew what to expect – another feel good bible study where we try to sugar coat life’s bitterness by loosing ourselves in the positive rather than the negative. I couldn’t have been more wrong. We managed to get through only one introductory session before we dispersed for summer but in that first session I found a wellspring of insights that touched some very deep and tender spots hidden in my heart. I went on to read her book these last few weeks and have been so blessed because of it.

To understand how I feel things you need to know a little more about me. One of my personality traits happens to be sentimentality. I am very aware of the passing of time and with it people, places, and things. I am drawn to the elderly and their stories as I strain to understand how the world keeps changing. I habitually watch Turner Classic movies and have been watching “black and whites” since I was a small girl. I love to read old classics and would look at publishing dates when choosing books at my local library to be sure they were circa 1959. I find estate jewelry to be intriguing, old homes fascinating and I have been known to use the word “mooning” in conversation. With this kind of disposition I find myself very melancholy at times and that translated into a tangible depression when my children were born.

With children about, you are constantly reminded that time is passing and moments are fleeting whether you are ready for them to be or not. I have tortured myself with questions like, “Is this going to be the last time I will ever rock him to sleep?” or “Is this the last night they will let me sing to them at bedtime?” We all know that there is a “last time” but often are so busy keeping up with the different phases or frustrations of child rearing that moments like these can be passed by unnoticed only to be sorely missed later. Children grow like weeds, right before your eyes and you can’t hold onto them no matter how you try. I have tried to take mental pictures, memorization’s of moments that I held precious but even those become fuzzy with time.  I have been left with sadness many nights because the mom I wanted to be in this crazy fast time that I get to be a mom is hardly ever the mom I am and I know that those days, hours, moments are lost to me forever. I can not reconcile it so I mourn it with longing and with passion.

Ann Voskamp understands this. She spoke to my heart, her sorrow to mine, when she wrote,

“. . . and these six kids lean hard into me all day to teach and raise and lead and I fail hard and there are real souls that are at stake and how long do I really have to figure out how to live full of grace, full of joy – before these six beautiful children fly the coop and my mothering days fold up quiet?”

Ann has discovered the answer and I am thrilled. The answer could help me find joy in the moments and actually slow down that clock which I resist so much. The answer for Ann, and now for me, is eucharisteo. It is a Greek word and my understanding of this word is; to find grace (God’s gift) in all things and in each moment, give thanks for it and in return experience joy. There are so many layers to this principle that Ann Voskamp so beautifully explains in One Thousand Gifts and my soul has eagerly lapped up each and every word desperate to find my loving God in all things. As for slowing down time, I need to slow down and appreciate each moment for the gift that it is. In so doing, I keep my eyes on God with my hands open to Him and all He sees fit to give me (including the pain) and my heart stays open with thanksgiving knowing and noticing all the ways that He loves me and then the joy comes.

As Ann said,

“Thanksgiving creates abundance; and the miracle of multiplying happens when I give thanks – take the just one loaf, say it is enough, and give thanks – and He miraculously makes it more than enough.”

This works for time too. Give thanks to God for the time I have from moment to moment and I can be mindful of the gift that it is and receive all the joy those moments have to offer. It slows me down so that I am more aware of it all and not so fast to tear at it with my anger and impatience. The miracle then for me is less regret and I am so thankful for it.

That new notebook is not a Gratitude Journal. No, it is much more then that. It is a collection, a counting, of moments – gifts from God, reminders of how good He is. It is a perspective changer, an attitude adjustment and a journal of the spirit. It is holy and present; it is a communion with God. He loves our praise and He loves our thanksgiving and now I love to give it. I too am counting my gifts from God and though I am only on #220 (little lost Chiclet teeth making adorable snaggle tooth smiles) I will press on and continue counting well past one thousand. It is so healing.

Ann Voskamp also talks about perspective and it applies to everything I think and do. How I see is going to affect everything. If my eyes (my perspective) are bad then so is everything else in my life. She refers to what Jesus said in Matthew 6:22-23 (ESV)

“The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!”

If I don’t stay on top of my daily “dialysis” by reading the Word (bible) then I am not being filled with the light and of course darkness sets in.

Ann describes it like this,

“Bad eyes fill with darkness so heavy the soul aches because empty is never truly empty; empty is only a full, deepening darkness.”

I have personally experienced that; another solid motivator to keep me in God’s Word. Thank you Ann and thank you Jesus for helping me see so many things I’ve needed to see for so long. I am grateful!

Books, Character, Christianity, Hunger, Love, Martyrdom, Missions, Money, Personal, Quotes

Dying to Self for the Betterment of Our World

Sally

I have found no better cure for a bad case of the “me’s” then by submerging myself in worldly problems. Suburbia in America is one of the easiest places to hide from the world’s ugly side; the poverty, the injustice, the persecution, the wars and death of every kind. Well, I pulled out some periodicals and documentaries to help me put things in perspective. A magazine that I find very helpful in keeping my mind and heart in tune with true suffering in the world is The Voice of the Martyrs. There are modern day martyrs being tortured, imprisoned, driven into exile and of course killed every day just because they have the audacity to believe in Jesus. This has happened to someone, somewhere today. Did you know that? In America we can worship Satan, our coffee, our money or a rock and no one looks at us twice. Maybe we have forgotten that it is a privilege to have religious freedom and that most humans in the world do not have that privilege. The Voice of the Martyrs does an excellent job of keeping the plights of our fellow human beings in the light. They tell the modern day stories of heroism and martyrdom to anyone who is willing to listen and they offer ways for us to get involved and help. Did you know that there are Christians who mark their ability to trust other Christians by how many times they have been imprisoned for their faith? We need to open our eyes! I encourage you to check it out and add these people to your prayer list. We might not be able to solve all of these political, social or religious problems facing our world today but we know Someone who can and we should ask Him to protect and strengthen His people who are suffering in this way.

Next, I watched a documentary. I have watched many over the years because documentaries are one way to get educated about some of our bigger world issues without a lot of the Hollywood gloss or media bent. This documentary came about because I attended a mandatory training session at my local food bank for the purpose of volunteering there in the future. A Place at the Table was recommended by the food bank administrator as a means to break down the misconceptions about hunger in America. Of course I watched it right away. Here are some disturbing things I found out: Did you know that 50 million people are going hungry in a nation that has more than enough food? Did you know that we willingly spend more on a grande latte at Starbucks then we do for America’s children to eat a healthy lunch provided by our schools? Did you know that obesity is a sister problem driven by poverty because it’s cheaper to buy crappy foods then healthy foods? Working people (not just unemployed people) can not afford to feed their families because their wages are too low for sustainability. New terminologies were introduced to me through this documentary; food insecurity and food deserts. Food insecurity describes millions of people who truly do not know when or where their next meal is going to come from, day in and day out. These people could be your neighbors or your children’s friends. It’s a quiet suffering for most people. Food deserts are places (both rural and urban) where fresh fruits and vegetables are not delivered. I was shocked! Corner store, mom and pop shops, only sell processed and pre-packaged goods. Because of proximity or lack of transportation, long bus rides or gas money, it is difficult for many people to get to a fully stocked grocery store. Now what about me again?

Are you one who feels sad but mostly relieved that this isn’t happening to you? Or is it happening to you? Or, are you like me, who knows that one lost job and this could be my story. Either way, it is uncomfortable to think about. Also, it feels so hopeless. What can I do? Anything I do is a tiny drop in a giant ocean. I loved Ashley Judd’s memoir called All That is Bitter and Sweet. It is so much more than an account of her life. She is very involved in working with organizations and charities to help with heavy world issues. She has seen some horrific human suffering and she has put to words many things that I have felt even though I have not seen nor experienced even an eighth of what she has. She wrote,

“I began hearing a critical voice in my head: I am not doing enough, I need to do more, I have to do more . . . It was mental panic. Shortly, though, my recovery rose up to meet this insanity and call it what it was: selfishness and self-centeredness. I was able to hear all the “I, I, I, I, I” that my ego was shouting, and all the other words receded. To the untrained ear, it might have sounded like compassion and goodwill, to me, it was all about what “I” needed to do, which is “edging God out” (ego) in an attempt to stifle my powerful emotional responses to the things I had seen. I was able to remind myself that all that is asked of me is that I increase my conscious contact with the God of my understanding, ask for knowledge of Her will for me and the strength to carry that out . . . I am cleaning house, trusting God, doing what is in front of me. That is good, and that is enough. I am enough.”

Yes, all this “I, I, I” business, I am so tired of me. If I can be obedient, trust God and do the work that I see in front of me, then for now, that should be enough. But here is another issue, judging the people who have the problem. Dr. J. Larry Brown, author of Living Hungry in America, said in the same documentary,

“We sort of have this love/hate relationship with poverty and the poor. On the one hand, you know, we have a wonderful history of helping others and a lot of good rhetoric. Bring us your struggling masses yearning to be free, this is the land of opportunity and we care about one another. And we do, in many ways. But our care is always predicated on the fact that we’re worried that somebody else is getting something for free or something they don’t deserve.”

As I walked out of my food bank training, I saw a family of women (four generations) hop out of an expensive SUV with their cell phones to their ears. They walked to get front spots in line for when the food bank opened. Did I take mental pause? I admit that I did. Was I worried that somebody was getting something for free that maybe they didn’t deserve? Yes, and immediately that made me part of the problem. God says judge not that you be not judged (Matthew 7:1,2). In What Difference Do it Make, written by Ron Hall, Denver Moore, and Lynn Vincent, Ron reminds me,

“We are judged by our compassion, how we live our lives, not by how Joe ultimately lives his. God commands us to love, not to calculate the end game. It is only when Joe is loved without strings that he is set free to (eventually) turn a corner and voluntarily become accountable to those who have placed faith in him.”

There is that word again, love. I need to work on that. I need to love in ways that require absolutely nothing in return. Denver Moore, once a homeless man himself, writes,

“. . . even if you bless some needy person just a little bit, God might use other folks down the line to weave your little gift into a bigger blessin. And if you bless folks, you gon’ get the blessin back, no matter what they does with the money. So you give the gift with no strings attached, and let God take care a’ business on the other end.”

I need to let God take care of His business and mind my own. When I get to heaven and I have to be accountable to God for the way I lived my life, I don’t think He is going to say, “Sally, why did you give food and time and money to your local food bank? Didn’t you realize that there were people lined up there taking advantage of the system?” No, I can’t imagine Him saying that. But I can hear Him saying to me, “Sally, you really blew it. Your pride and circumstance clouded your judgment and you sinned against Me and My people in need because you thought you knew something that wasn’t your business to know. You didn’t follow Jesus’ example, Sally, you didn’t love first.” Here is my first important lesson toward loving people better; leave my thoughts and feelings, my criticisms and hurts, my judgments and ideas out of it. Love unconditionally and out of love do the work.

Books, Christianity, Church, Friendship, Holy Spirit, Love, Quotes

A Question of Love

Sally

Our family has recently been greatly blessed. And leading up to the finalization of this great blessing in our lives, I have been praying for God’s intervention. I have been asking for God to completely shut all the open doors if this would be a worldly snare rather than the good opportunity that it presents itself to be. And no doors were shut. I want to tell you how grateful I am, truly I am, for this blessing but I also want to have a moment of honesty and tell you that I am fearful. I really would have felt more “loved” by God had He shut this thing down. ‘No’ from a parent (for me) feels more like an acceptable and familiar act of love. I wonder, what does that tells you.

What it tells me is that I still have trouble trusting my Lord and that I am still greatly lacking in faith. It also tells me that I am unable to conceive a God who lavishly loves me and blesses me regardless of where I am in my spiritual walk. These feelings of unworthiness cut deep because they were laid as a central foundation to my faith back when my first ideas of God were being formed at the age of three. My religious background has me familiar with a disapproving God whom requires much before much is given and whose love is highly conditional. You could say that I was sold a “bad” Jesus but in reality Jesus was not even focused on in the church of my youth. Grace was unfamiliar territory but truth was heavily handed out bringing with it little hope of ever really pleasing God. The shocking truth about my religious journey is that I was not “saved” until I left that path and diverted to a church that could fully explain what Jesus’ death and resurrection really meant for me. I could have gone on for the rest of my life as things were and missed my salvation. That is scary. Being religious does not equal being saved and I am so thankful to an old dear friend of mine for having the courage to tell me so about fifteen years ago. I am not bitter or sorry that this was my upbringing. I have found it to be a huge blessing. Without this perspective I would not have been overly starved for grace and therefore I might not have found Jesus to be as necessary to anchor my life to as I currently do. And without having drudged through such thick and stifling religiosity I might not have the biblical savvy that I enjoy today. God uses all things for good. Regardless, I am still struggling to reconcile the Old Testament Father God persona that I knew so well for twenty plus years with a Father God who is the embodiment of love.

If I cannot accept God’s perfect love for me – if I cannot wrap my mind around it, embrace it and fully receive it then I don’t believe that I can truly love others in the way that He commands us to do. And without fully functioning in love, all is for nothing (1 Corinthians 13:3).

1 John 4:7-21 (NIV),

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.

We know that we live in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent His Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in god. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the Day of Judgment, because in this world we are like Him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do the punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because He first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.”

If I really dissect this bible passage I could start hyperventilating. I mean, just take the very first part “whoever does not love, does not know God” and I am hung. Do you think I am being too hard on myself? I don’t. It is easy to love, by the world’s standard. Our English language allows the definition of love to be as simple as this; having a strong affection or liking for someone or something. I can love a French fry by the world’s standard but God’s definition is a lot more concrete. We are familiar with 1 Corinthians 13:4, the love passage read at most weddings, but have you really digested this passage. Here is where we find a thorough definition of love that should blow your mind. Here it says that love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, love is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs, love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. God’s definition of love is that it never fails. Pass the paper bag please!

My boys are at the very top of my love list. I am a mom and I love my kids but . . . I am not patient with them, I am not always kind, I have rules for them that are self-seeking, I am very easily angered and I do remember all the wrongs they have done in the past week or so. My love for them has definitely failed them at times. These are the potholes in my imperfect love for my most loved people in this world. Now, take that and let’s go love everyone else. There is one perspective that I had never considered before that recently was presented to me. If God is love, then He is also all of those things from 1 Corinthians 13:4. Is it possible for me to take all of this in, all that God is, in all the ways that He loves me and from there be so overflowing with His love that I can love others in return; even the difficult people, the stranger, the jerk, the selfish, the crazy?

I know that love is a fruit of the Holy Spirit and that the fruits of the Holy Spirit are a gift from God Himself to help us in this life to do as He has asked us to do, including to love others. I know that He never asks us to do something that He won’t equip us or help us to do. So, I need to step out on faith and just start loving people.

To make this step of love in faith I need to stop hiding. Everyone hides. We hide from each other, we hide our truths, and we hide from God. I have hid this blog from certain people; I have hid my truths from close friends so not to hurt them. I have hid my true identity from people I know because I believe they won’t understand or possibly reject me. All of this hiding has caused me to feel discouraged, forgotten and invisible. But, I’m not invisible. God sees me and He sees you too. I need to know this in my very core. He keeps track of every single hair on my head. He has a plan for me and for my life. He made me and He delights in me. My mentor recently gave me a book to read called The God Who Sees You by Tammy Maltby. I intend to do a study with this book to help me realize God’s love for me once and for all. I want to lay aside all of my old habits of self-condemnation and to allow His love to be actualized in my heart. I want to be filled up with love to overflowing.

One of our pastors at Flatirons Community Church, Scott Nickell, did a visual demonstration a couple of weeks ago that really helped me understand the cycle I have been stuck in. He filled up a glass of water to about 60% full and called that our “spiritual works” and then he used a pitcher of water to fill the glass to 100% full and he called that God’s grace. He showed how we can be short of water depending on our perceived good works, and how we allow God’s grace to top us off at times. But what we don’t understand is that regardless of any good works or spirituality on our part, God’s grace is always sufficient! It is overflowing out over the top of that glass no matter how empty we have it or how full of our own self-righteousness we think it is. That is also a great descriptor for His love for us, overflowing.

Come on, let’s get our love on.

Character, Christianity, Forgiveness, Holy Spirit, Personal, Prayer, Quotes, Words

Grievances

Sally

I hadn’t been able to write a follow up to my Dragon scales problem until now because I was still very much in the middle of it and truly confused about what was causing all of my turmoil. I am feeling much better this week and can finally see some things with clarity. I still do not understand all of the in’s and out’s of what was bothering me but what I have come to understand I will share with you now.

First off, I must confess that I was spiritually “coasting”. I had my feet off the biblical pedals and when things started to head up hill I didn’t have the oomph to get through because I had left my power source turned off. I don’t know why I wasn’t reading my daily bible or why I stopped talking to God regularly. I wasn’t mad at Him or trying to ignore Him in my life, I was just tired. I lost sight of the fact that especially when we are tired and discouraged we need to stay connected to God.

Also, smack dab in the middle of these past few weeks was Easter. I felt very flat and unemotional during this time. Because Easter is to be a holy reminder of a very big event in our Christian heritage, my level of disconnect was alarming to me. Jesus died on the cross for me and here I was pouring candy down my gullet in a way a severe alcoholic might pour whiskey down theirs. Having recently acknowledged a possible sugar addiction and just coming off a 10-day sugar detox, I saw this as a symptom of deeper stuff going on as well. My flesh was screaming at me.

Another thing, whenever I bowed my head to pray at church or in my prayer group, tears just poured out of my head. I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel angry, I didn’t have anything on my mind even. I was having an overwhelming physical response to what my spirit must have been feeling. Was my spirit grieving?

Luckily I happened to listen to one of Joyce Meyer’s programs on television. It really spoke to my heart and clued me in on some things that were going on, some sins that were eating at me. I ritually watch her program while I put my makeup on for the day, except not these last few weeks. Again, I was coasting. But for some reason I did watch this one. That reason, I believe, was because I needed to watch it.

Joyce was preaching directly to the subject of grieving the Holy Spirit. She said,

“I went to church for many years, I never understood the power of my words, did not understand them at all, therefore I just said what I wanted to, anytime I wanted to, and I was just constantly grieving the Holy Spirit and opening doors for the enemy in my life and didn’t even know it.”

Check and check. She points us to Ephesians 4:30 (NIV is my version) where it says,

“And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”

I remember this.  I know you shouldn’t grieve the Holy Spirit but what I didn’t remember or know is what Joyce points to a few minutes later – verses 29 and 31! Verse 29 says,

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

And verse 31 says,

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”

Yes, it is my words that are causing me trouble.  I know I over share.  I tell too much information to all the wrong people. I occasionally will cuss and exaggerate. I sometimes have subtle forms of malice in my heart and what is in my heart my mouth eventually speaks (Matthew 12:34).  I need to be very careful that what I say is helpful according to other people’s needs. It needs to benefit those who are listening to me. That guideline alone will cut my conversations to an absolute minimum. I need to think hard before I open my mouth and I need to stay in touch with God continually for His help in this area because it is proving to be very hard.

Looking back over these past few weeks I wonder how I got so easily sidetracked. I marvel at how fast the enemy can use those moments of weakness to stage a full frontal attack. As Joyce also pointed out, our words can either speak life or death. I have been speaking death! I feel terrible that I have been speaking “death” over probably a truck load of people because my words were of this world’s standard and not God’s. This has become a very strong conviction for me. I think I will need to implement a word fast. I will limit myself to uplifting conversation, to conversation that is necessary, holding myself not to speculation but only to absolute truth. I am hoping that this will allow the Holy Spirit to freely work within me and to give me the power I need to finish the race, not to give up and be discouraged as I have done.

I will end with King David’s song from Psalm 51 because I felt such a kinship to his words. David is writing of his sorrow resulting from his sin with Bathsheba and because my own self-condemnation has been so heavy upon me of late I really felt his words.

Psalm 51:1 – 17 (NIV)

Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love, because of your great compassion, lot out the stain of my sins.

Wash me clean from my guilt, purify me from my sin.

For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night.

Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just.

For I was born a sinner- yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.

But you desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there.  Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me- now let me rejoice.

Don’t keep looking at my sins.  Remove the stain of my guilt.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.  Renew a loyal spirit within me.

Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.

Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you.

Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.

Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you.

You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.  You do not want a burnt offering.

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.  You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

 

Books, Character, Christianity, Quotes

Dragon Scales

Sally

I have been feeling really disconnected from myself lately and I haven’t been liking me very much. There is this yucky feeling lurking inside that suggests I’m becoming a lot like someone I personally wouldn’t be friends with. When I try to identify what it is that’s changed it feels elusive like some possible erosion of character has occurred or some essential value has been drowned out. It reminds me of what Charles R. Swindoll describes in his breakthrough portion, “Put an End to the Downward Spiral”, taken from Dr. Bruce H. Wilkinson’s book 30 Days to Experiencing Spiritual Breakthroughs (a great book to keep on hand and read periodically),

“Ever so slightly, invisible moral and ethical germs can invade, bringing the beginning stages of a terminal disease. No one can tell by looking, for it happens imperceptibly. It’s slower than a clock and far more silent. There are no chimes, not even a persistent ticking. An oversight here, a compromise there, a deliberate looking the other way, a softening, a yawn, a nod, a nap, a habit . . . a destiny. And before we know it, a chunk of character falls into the sea, a protective piece of bark drops onto the grass. What was once “no big thing” becomes, in fact, bigger than life itself. What started with inquisitive innocence terminates at destructive addiction.”

Exactly. What of my character fell off into the sea? What piece of my own bark has dropped onto the grass? I’m not sure what but I do know that it has and I need to turn back.

As is typical for me in these types of life crisis, I ran across a book. I really didn’t run across it, it was a book hot off the presses that I felt I would give a quick perusal of just out of curiosity. A book I would read to say that I’d read it but not because I thought it would have anything of depth to offer me. When I say “of depth” you need to know that I have been doggy paddling in books like, The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and God’s Politics by Jim Wallis. Let me digress a minute because speaking of The Screwtape Letters, I did run across a few passages that loudly clanged the warning bell confirming I have gone astray. C.S. Lewis writes through a character named Screwtape who is a senior devil of sorts and Screwtape is advising his nephew, Wormwood, who is an apprentice to the devil’s work. Screwtape corresponds with Wormwood by a series of letters discussing the particulars on how to manipulate a Christian into walking away from The Enemy (Jesus) right into the hands of Our Father Below (Satan). He writes,

“He will be silent when he ought to speak and laugh when he ought to be silent. He will assume, at first only by his manner, but presently by his words, all sorts of cynical and skeptical attitudes which are not really his. But if you (Wormwood) play him well, they may become his. All mortals tend to turn into the thing they are pretending to be.”

Ouch. Who am I pretending to be? And then this,

“If this succeeds, he can be induced to live, as I have known many humans live, for quite long periods, two parallel lives; he will not only appear to be, but actually be, a different man in each of the circles he frequents.”

This is a truth for me. I feel like a chameleon whom changes colors, for better or worse, according to the backdrop presented me by the people around me. Finally,

“Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one – the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.”

Yes, I get it. I am on a gentle slope but this one has a downward slant to it. I don’t mean Hell because I know that I am saved through Jesus Christ but I do mean a downward slant away from the joyful life of fulfilling the purpose that was set for me by my Father in Heaven. Jesus will let me choose the downward slant but I don’t have to because He has given me a signpost that will point me toward the better way, the Bible. When I read it, it convicts my heart. His truth washes all the colors away leaving me white and whole again, fully me again.

So, back to this illusive book I was talking about earlier. My pastor at the church I attend, Jim Burgen, just published his book called No More Dragons and this is the book I picked up to quickly peruse. (Again, nothing in my life is a coincidence) Jim opens his book with his testimony and the main focus of his testimony comes from a story written by none other than C.S. Lewis out of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader in The Chronicles of Narnia. This is a story of a boy who basically wakes up to discover that he has become a dragon, a monster, and he is trying to find a way to transform back to becoming himself again but he can’t do it alone. Eventually, a great lion comes along and does it for him. Quoted from The Chronicles of Narnia and No More Dragons,

“Sleeping on a dragon’s hoard with greedy, dragonish thoughts in his heart, he had become a dragon himself.”

Jim identified with the boy turned dragon and I too was identifying with this “turned dragon” concept. I see some scales showing when I look in the mirror. So, I was immediately sucked right in to what Jim had to say. He starts by saying,

“We have to learn which path will make us the people God wants us to be and which path will awaken the dragon.”

I realize that but how? And what about all the condemnation I feel in my heart. My shameful, “here we go again Jesus” look toward heaven. Does He still love me and will He help me? That’s where the book got really good. I mean tears good. Because tears for me mean I am already starting to heal. Jim started talking about how Jesus never gives you what you deserve but only what you need. That Jesus doesn’t want anything from us but only something better for us. Pastor Jim reminded me,

“Through Jesus, and only Jesus, you can be un-dragoned. You can be free again. You can have hope, joy, and a full life.”

Why is this such a hard concept for me to hang on to? Why do I need the constant reminder to cling to Jesus and His teaching. I need to let His love and forgiveness wash over me (to the bone) and start again. Thanks so much Pastor Jim, for the reminder and the Me Too concept! Because, yeah . . . me too.

And I’m only on Chapter 3. So, I’ll be back.

Books, Christianity, Finances, Marriage, Money, Prayer, Quotes

Money Update

Sally

I thought it might be good to check in with you all on how I’ve been managing the money thing. I gave up my credit cards a good week and a half ago and like any addiction it isn’t an easy thing to overcome. This is how I’ve done; I bought a pair of wedges (in a color I do not have), a bunk bed cot for my boys that I’ve wanted for camping (I’m going to give it to them at Easter), four pairs of jeans for my son who grows super fast, and a Vitamix (yes, I know). I have to give myself a definite D- because none of the purchases were pre-approved by my husband and because yes, I still have been employing my wily ways. But I don’t get an F because I didn’t use credit cards to purchase any of them. I have more work to do in this area but I’ve confessed so at least it isn’t something I’m hiding.

On a more positive note, my husband and I did sit down and have the “budget talk” and there were no temper flares (my husband), no flurries of tears (me) and no blame. I didn’t get defensive and he didn’t show signs of denial that it is all me and not him. It was just a straight up adult conversation where we both openly discussed our money situation and what our goals for budgeting should be. I agreed with him completely and I feel very comfortable with what my part looks like. For the first time ever in our marriage I have felt like we are on the same team moving toward the same end result. That feels so good!

Because of this iron clad budget I won’t have the wiggle room to go rogue like I sometimes do. If I were to continue to spend like I did last week we won’t be eating, so that makes the stakes really high. We are talking weenies and beans people! Funny thing is I love a challenge and this definitely will be one. I can’t wait to blow my husband’s mind by all the ways I can cut costs and put more money on the bottom line for our dream. I feel invigorated and motivated, like I can add value. I feel empowered. That’s what dreams and goals can do for you.

Mark Batterson’s book, The Circle Maker: Praying Circles Around Your Biggest Dreams and Greatest Fears, has been one of the most faith inducing books I’ve ever read. There is so much to discuss from this book that I will have to come back to it many times as I blog. But one of the things Mark writes in reference to dreams and goals is this,

“When you dream, your mind forms a mental image that becomes both a picture of and a map to your destiny. That picture of the future is one dimension of faith, and the way you frame it is by circling it in prayer.”

He also writes,

“The simple act of imagining doesn’t just remap your mind; it forms a map. And that is the purpose of goal setting. If dreams are the destination, goals are the GPS that get you there.”

I can feel that map unfolding out before me and the dream coming into focus. But the best part is praying about it. I love how I can consult with God on these things and really lay them at His feet for approval or will or help or redirection. My husband has no idea that his dreams have been given up to God but the minute John asked for me to join him on a walk toward this specific dream of his, I invited God to direct and mold or even reconstruct that dream for His glory and purpose. I also asked God to protect our family from any snares of the devil or future hardship if these dreams are not appropriate for us. That is where the peace lies. I feel completely at peace with my role as the praying wife, my supportive spouse role and my role as contributing partner for this dream. Here is the gold; if this dream fails or blows up in our face, I’m completely at peace with that too. God is so good. He really does know how to bring peace that surpasses human understanding (Philippians 4:7) and He really will work all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). So, I’m back on track and really stepping out in faith that God is ultimately in control and I can feel free to continue to submit to my unbelieving husband in this way.

Books, Christianity, Friendship, Parenting, Pride

Self-forgetfulness

Sally

In the circles I run in, there is only one topic that is more taboo to discuss then even religion or politics and that topic is what school you think your children should attend.  This conversation gets under my skin every time.  I can get emotional, I can get angry, and I can get put off but worst of all I can get tempted to tell you exactly what I think about what you think.  The truth is it doesn’t matter what I think because there is no right answer.  What is right for you and your family is right for you and your family and what is right for me and my family is exactly that, right for me and my family.  It isn’t a one-size fits all equation.  So why do I tend to get so defensive and what can I do to be free of all that junk?

I feel like the core of this issue for me resides in pride.  It is born out of the need to compare myself to other people.  We want to feel superior thus leading us to try to make superior decisions in which we are hoping for superior outcomes.  Pride exists in the desire to be better or have more then the other person and for a lot of moms that desire plays out in our kids.  We want our children to prove our superior parenting styles and our above average intellects.

To be determined superior we would need a judge, or someone involved who is qualified to pronounce a “winner” in these sorts of controversies.  But there isn’t a human on earth qualified for this position because no human can look into the future and see exactly what impact a certain school is going to have on our little people or see how these little people will ultimately turn out as big people, and besides, there are so many other factors to consider that you would never be comparing apples to apples.  If I am seeking Jesus for guidance, I can trust that He will guide me and where He leads me is going to be different from where He leads you because I am me and you are you.

So, I believe pride is the culprit and our desire to compare ourselves to each other instead of allowing God to be the judge, which is our downfall.  In 1 Corinthians 4:3 the Apostle Paul has a very different outlook and I think if I can adopt it for my own I will be free of these prideful exchanges.  He says,

“I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.  My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent.  It is the Lord who judges me.  Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes.  He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts.  At that time each will receive his praise from God.”

I have been re-reading Timothy Keller’s book The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness.  I say re-reading because this is one of those books I like to keep handy to help me get my head right every time I feel like the comparison monster is creeping into my heart (and this can be often).  He calls boosting our self-esteem a “trap”.  And I couldn’t agree more.  Timothy talks about gospel-humility and he says,

“True gospel-humility means I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself.  In fact, I stop thinking about myself.  The freedom of self-forgetfulness.  The blessed rest that only self-forgetfulness brings.”

I want some of that!

Timothy Keller ties this back to what Paul is saying in 1 Corinthians.  Paul seems to suggest, ‘I don’t care what you think and I don’t care what I think’ and (I might add) we both should only care what God thinks.  This needs to be my new motto.

This way of thinking could help me in so many areas of my life, especially when keeping up with the Jones’ is such a part of our culture.  Again, I do not want to be of this world and this world’s culture.  I want to follow Paul’s example and only worry about what God is asking of me, what God’s judgment of me will be.  I want to put my trust in God, knowing that He has full control over my children’s education and future.  I don’t need to be worried about any of it, nor do I need to be boastful or prideful and I certainly don’t need to be comparing my plan to yours.  I need to stop caring about what you think and stop caring about what I think but keep my goals in line with what Jesus thinks so that I can find freedom amidst these difficult conversations.

To all my friends whom I might have offended with my strong opinions, I apologize!