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You know that old cliché; “How do you eat an elephant?” . . . . “One bite at a time.”

This is what the battlefield of cancer looks like, wait and then do the next ugly thing, sort of one bite at a time.

The next thing I needed to do after finding out my diagnosis was get an additional surgery to remove more of the breast tissue insuring clear margins and also to have my sentinel lymph node removed. But I wasn’t sure if I needed a mastectomy or even a double and I didn’t understand what the genetic testing they had me do was going to indicate. My surgeon was rushing me along, putting me on her schedule for surgery right away but I hadn’t even seen an oncologist yet. She had ordered the genetic testing to be done but I had no one to advise me about the results. So, I found an oncologist and had a couple of visits with him, each one leaving me without satisfactory answers to what I thought were easy questions. For example, why am I only at 5% risk of reoccurrence in either breast indicating that I do not need a mastectomy? When my genetic tests came back I was “negative” and yet we know that I am 100% capable of making breast cancer, cause I have it. [Just a little side note, I find it very interesting that they want every cancer patient to do a genetic test and all they are testing for is Jewish heritage that produces BRCA 1 or BRCA 2. I think there is way more to that cover story than we understand and I think that they use the cancer fear to get access to our DNA more readily than the 23andMe route. Those who are awake will understand my concern. Anyway, I digress.] So, here I am being rushed to a surgery date with no satisfactory answers to easy questions. What do I do? I stop everything. I cancel my surgery, I make a second opinion appointment with a new surgeon and a new oncologist and I reach out to anyone who will talk to me about their experiences and their understanding of what genetic testing provides. You feel pressure to get things rolling but if you don’t know what the right decisions are how can you proceed?

The minute we stepped into the new surgeon’s office things felt right. When the surgeon met with us she was also joined by – wait for it . . . . The new oncologist! It’s a miracle, a collaboration of both expertises so that ALL questions can be answered and a team approach can be had. We had more information, just in brochures alone, within the first ten minutes of being on their campus than all the hours of visits with my first doctors. A plan was made and understood, I would not need a mastectomy but just additional removal of tissue at the effected area to insure clear margins and then followup radiation. I was classified as Stage 1 cancer and they had no reason to believe it had time to spread to my lymph nodes but I would need to have the sentinel lymph node removed and tested just to be safe.

A week later, I report for surgery bright and early and hungry. First, I have to have a radioactive dye injected into the breast area that has the mass so that the dye can travel to the nearest lymph node indicating the node that needs to be removed and tested. Also, I needed a wire placement by ultrasound to show the surgeon where the remaining mass is located. The surgery was scheduled for 2 pm but they didn’t actually start on me until 7 pm. My husband and I sat in the surgery preop area all day. A woman to my left was there to have a double mastectomy and I was thankful that this was not part of my journey. A boy across the way had shot himself in the eye with a BB gun. I thought that only happened to Ralphie! My heart went out to him because I could tell he was very nervous about his surgery. A man a few curtains down was having his umpteenth surgery in a long history of failing health. Sitting there all day watching the people come and go, I realized just how insulated I’ve been. There are millions of people in this world who are dealing with very serious health crises and begging for an answer, a miracle of their own. We have giant pharmaceutical facilities and expansive health campuses dedicated solely to cancer to prove it. Cancer is taking over the world and there isn’t a cure yet? It’s certainly weeding out our population at an alarming rate. We do our best don’t we? We drink filtered water, we buy and eat organic and non-GMO foods, we exercise, we do detox’s, we limit our sugar, we take natural supplements, we see Natural-paths, sometimes we go vegan or vegetarian, we juice, and yet we still get sick. Why?

A successful surgery behind me, I go back about my business. Again a week later there’s bad news, it’s in my lymph node. This is a surprise. The surgeon said that the node looked healthy when she removed it but upon dissection it too has been affected. Back to the oncologist I go. I’m still considered to be at Stage 1 but they are now recommending the dreaded and hated chemotherapy. Because of my age, my type of cancer, that it’s estrogen positive, and a bunch of other factors I’m not clear on, I am faced with another hard decision, to chemo or not to chemo. Now, I will tell you I believe at this point that I am actually cancer free. I believe that what wasn’t removed by surgery is removed by God and maybe some radiation treatments. I’m not wanting to take the poison route, I want to get off the train. They said that if I do not do the chemotherapy I have a 6% chance of recurrence in the next ten years but if I do I will have less that 1% chance of recurrence. 6% sounds fine to me, I mean, I had a 5% chance of it coming back in my breast and I opted to not have a mastectomy. These odds are good right? Not according to John they weren’t. He doesn’t believe in God’s mighty abilities. He doesn’t want to be nervous every year waiting to see if something has returned. He wants a guaranteed solid bill of health, a <1% chance. He said that it is my responsibility to him and the boys to go all the way in this. He would be angry with me if it came back and metastasized in ten years when I had the opportunity to be rid of it now. And there we are, another hard decision to make.

The religious spirit was putting in his two cents, if you do chemo then you don’t really believe in God’s healing. The faith side of me was wondering, what’s the point of having a cancer diagnosis if you aren’t going to go all the way – are you afraid and why? Continuing on this path could prove to be a very powerful witness to John and those who know me. I decided that this would need to be a mutually agreed upon decision between husband and wife and that if John insisted on it I would go forward with chemo. We are “one” in marriage and my body is his just as his is mine. I had to wrestle with the spirit of fear again. Chemo is nasty stuff. They basically control kill you with poison and a gambit of other powerful drugs to counter act each other. This is the best “cure” we have available right now and I am choosing to be thankful for it because it has saved a lot of people’s lives. But, I’m looking at some dark days ahead and there is no clear understanding how my body will react or what my side effects might be. I have to take another step of faith on this Fearless Journey Into The Unknown.

As I made this decision, several things came together that brought me a peace and a strength. The miracles of Jesus started to show up and that’s when I knew that I was doing the right thing, not necessarily for healing of cancer but for healing of everything and everyone that is part of my story. See, this is how Jesus works. He wants EVERYONE!

My journey has turned into a testimony that I am blessed to share with you in the coming days.

I haven’t written in a long time. I have been otherwise consumed with research on a number of subjects that are nearly impossible to explain to the masses in a way that flows cohesively. I did find someone’s blog who has managed to do a pretty good job, although there is still so much more to it that even Richard Kallberg hasn’t been able to tie it all together. However, if I’ve peaked your curiosity from a couple of my last posts and you want to dig in deeper for yourself, you can find him here and hopefully this will start you on your own research journey because that kind of subject matter requires an individual to proceed independently in a spiritual way and also in a humble way (meaning you will need to admit to yourself that you might not know what you think you know). After the last couple years of seeking out truth and making some earth shattering discoveries about the world we live in, on September of 2018 I discovered something else that would be earth shattering. I discovered that I have breast cancer, invasive lobular carcinoma to be exact.

I went in for my yearly mammogram, something I’ve been doing every year since my late twenties, but this time I got called back for a more conclusive mammogram and ultrasound of my left breast. From there they wanted to do a biopsy but because no one had the guts to tell me it looked exactly like breast cancer I naively decided to just have “it” removed by surgery and have “it” tested after. I was thinking that it was just another cyst like I’ve had before and regardless of what they found at least it would be out of my body. So, I had surgery and not thinking too much about it went on with my life as usual until I got the call a week later; it’s cancer.

Press pause.

I want to stop here because first I want to honor the millions of women who have gone before me and who will unfortunately be going after me on this hideous roller coaster ride called breast cancer. Each and every one of them (or you) has their own specific and painful story to tell that is unique only to them. Some stories ended terribly, some stories have been on going for years and years without reprieve, some stories have been short and matter of fact, and still other stories have been that of miracles and healing. My story is just that, mine. I mean no disrespect to anyone who is going on this journey parallel to me, nor to anyone who has suffered a loss in this realm. I understand (now first hand) that the decisions you make when you are personally faced with this kind of news will be tough and there are no one size fits all right answers. So much needs to be weighed in the balance. For me the things that I had to think about were spiritual in nature, sensitive to an unbelieving husband who was extremely frightened, and based on years of nutritional and homeopathic research plus the journey and loss of a loved family member who died a very horrific death as a result of triple negative breast cancer two years prior. These things shape and influence you and your decisions and so you do the best you can with the knowledge, understanding and faith that you already have. With that being said, I’d like to share with you my unique journey and I’ve named it A Fearless Journey Into The Unknown.

From the minute the radiologist stepped into the room to conduct the ultrasound on my left breast I could feel a presence in there with us. It was thick and suffocating and I knew instantly what it was, fear. I was calm and unconcerned all the way up to this point but when the doctor walked in fear walked in with him. I know a lot about fear. Contrary to worldly belief, fear is not an emotion, it is a spirit and it is demonic in nature.

2 Timothy 1:7 NLT “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.”

The spirit of fear requires your partnership or agreement to “be afraid” and to allow those fearful type emotions to consume you. It gives over your power and authority to the thing you are afraid of. Fear can come into your life in many different ways but for the sake of my story I’m going to call out the obvious attacks fear tried to use on me; fear of a cancer diagnosis, fear of cancer the disease, fear of sickness, fear of chemo, fear of drugs, and of course fear of death. Once you partner with fear he can easily invite other demonic spirts to join in the torment. There all kinds of fears, phobias and spirits such as worry, anxiety, dread, apprehension, insomnia, nervousness. A common tactic the spirit of fear will try is to keep you from speaking up about your fears because fear wants to stay a secret. If it is operating in secret it has more control over the narrative. You must voice your fears and bring them to the light of Jesus who has ultimate power and authority over your life and who has already conquered the devil and his schemes with His blood on the cross. Demons do not want you to remember that they have no real power over you, only the power you give them. Let Jesus’ perfect love cast out all fear!

1 John 4:18 NLT “Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love.”

So, I had a choice. I could allow fear to creep in and take hold of the situation or I could boldly go forward with peace and expectation that no matter how this journey was going to play out I would be okay. Either way, the future unfolds itself in its own time with its own good and bad revelations. Nothing you do in fear will change that but it will change your life in the “in betweens”. Fear will steal your peace while you wait (and cancer is the ultimate waiting game), it will make you more sick then you even should be, it will freak out everyone around you and it will be relentless in the quiet places. I chose to be fearless. I had that first surgery and went about my life like nothing happened. I was completely surprised when they called me with the lab results because I had managed to forget about them. I was taken aback with the diagnosis, but mostly because I hadn’t been worried about it. Fear was unable to steal any joy I had during the weeks in between. It was powerless over my situation and I intend for it to stay that way.

But, now I have the diagnosis and the reality that I’m going to have to embark on this journey that I’m not excited about at all. I have to tell the kids and John the diagnosis, my parents and my friends too. I have to make it real by accepting its implications and I have everyone looking at me to set the tone for how this is going to go down. Well, I’m a straight shooter and I just tell it straight. I tell the kids exactly what I know and I don’t sugar coat it. I tell my husband and I support him through the initial shock and grief and his own fears. I start telling friends and family and they all have their own unique reactions based off their own personal experiences with cancer either personally or by acquaintance. Some people were devastated and felt the news was an impending death sentence, others didn’t know how to react so they changed the subject. I think people are afraid of illness because it seems like a trap that once you get caught you won’t be released. I know one thing, it makes you face your mortality. Anything you’ve ever said or done to soothe yourself over the subject of death gets pulled out into the light, scrutinized and questioned.

This is the real underlying issue right? Are you going to die? And if you are going to die then that means I’m going to die and I don’t want to think about that right now so let’s fight cancer and push that fact of life right back under the rug. Here’s some honesty, I don’t want to die. I have young boys who still need their mother, I have a husband who needs a wife, I want to enjoy the retirement life, I have a million things I need to get busy doing. I am very apprehensive of death, like that moment when you draw in your last breath and then . . . And then what? Is it painful? Are you aware of being dead? Are you “conscious” of being cremated or buried? Do you have to watch your family struggle without you from the other side? These are the soul questions that have to be answered and they have to be definitive for there to be any peace around the subject of death. There has to be a crisis of faith to really know if you have any, and I’m in it.

But, that’s not the end of the story. There are many more chapters being written even as I write this so come back as I continue to share my journey.

The Christmas dust has settled and a time for reflection is upon me; spoiler alert . . . I hate Christmas. I never celebrated Christmas as a kid growing up. We attended a church that was against embracing anything that had a pagan beginning regardless of worldly tradition. I married a non-believer and Christmas was introduced into my life in my early thirty’s. Then we had two kids and Christmas was off and running, running my life for one month a year. I innocently stepped on the Christmas treadmill, willingly even, but now I’m eleven years in and I’m rethinking it all. First of all, if you are the mom of your household YOU ARE Christmas. Nothing “magical” about the season happens if you aren’t pulling the strings. No decorations, unless you lug boxes of them from the basement and diligently put them up. No cookies, unless you spend a day turning your kitchen upside down to produce some. No great presents, unless you have done reconnaissance the last eleven months to really know what your people want and/or need and then suffered the mall more than several times or at best risked the internet to procure them. No presents wrapped, unless you made those eight trips to Target for the wrapping paper, tape, and endless other bits of paraphernalia to get the job done and then stayed up late several nights to finish. No Christmas cheer in a glass, unless you had made that trip to the liquor store and blown your food budget on drink. No Christmas Eve dinner, unless you spent double at Costco on meats, cheeses and sides and then had the energy to cook it all up, engineer it to come out of the oven in unison and then barely took your seat before it was all gobbled up. Wait, did you remember the Christmas morning casserole? Nope, forgot all about that. Is there a couple of fun things to put in the stockings? Only barely and I woke up out of a deep sleep in a panic because I had forgotten to stuff the stockings before I dropped into bed, so I found myself up at midnight taking care of that business too. No Christmas dinner, unless you can muster up to do it all over again for the other side of the family. Christmas is now over, who is going to put all this crap away? Oh yeah, me.

You are probably judging me right now. You might be thinking, “She doesn’t get it, Christmas is about Christ.” I say, “Is it?” I’m tired of trying to squeeze my God and my Jesus and all their glory into a pagan holiday that the world has developed and entangled in everything non-God and non-Jesus. How many advents do we have to add to our daily plate to try to keep our focus on Jesus? How can we go about the season and pretend that there is only joy and love and peace happening in our hearts. No, I declare it to be a lie. Christmas is a disappointment. Christmas can’t deliver because I can’t deliver. Jesus wasn’t born in December, it wasn’t even on the 25th. As the Puritan’s might say, “It’s not in the good book.” Christmas smacks of all the trappings of the devil. Over spend, give out of seasonal obligation, make it a pissing match between spouses of who is doing more while both go feeling under appreciated, spoiled children who have too much already showing little gratitude for the new gifts they receive. Extended family short on helping, missing the mark completely on gift giving and having zero understanding of Christ on a good day not withstanding the “CHRISTmas” day. Bah humbug. I’m ready to burn this day down, cross it off my calendar, leave the country that week or at the very least step off the world-induced treadmill.

Re-evaluation commence.

First, Christmas isn’t about Christ at all. It’s a pagan tradition overhauled centuries ago into something less pagan-obvious probably because no one knew how to do away with the whole thing without an uprising so they took the “if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em” stance and tried to reinvent Christmas into something Jesus centered. I applaud the effort but is God satisfied? How about we acknowledge St. Nick as the original gift giver and stop calling him Santa which isn’t a far off spelling of S-A-T-A-N. if we want to celebrate something then let’s celebrate this holiday as the “gift-giving” holiday, a holiday of generosity. We can stop trying to stuff God into this holiday and maybe approach it from a different perspective like acknowledging God’s blessings on our lives and using those blessings to bless others (which is actually a real theme in the good book). To allow this generosity to flow we probably need to let the other stuff go because I never feel so ungenerous as I do at Christmas. Lets put lots of thought over the year into gifts for the people we love and then happily wrap and present these gifts from a place in our hearts that is sincere and if we can’t give out of sincerity then here’s a thought, let’s just not give. I’m particularly offended at Christmas because my love language is gifts. People who have a love language of gifts are simply looking for signs that people know them and appreciate them for who they are, it’s not about the gift per say but about the thought behind the gift. When you wrap up swizzle sticks and put them under the tree for someone who doesn’t even drink then you probably aren’t conveying the message that you know them aka love them. Here’s an idea, we could forgo all the thoughtless knee-jerk gift giving and channel it to some charitable causes instead where your thoughtless obligation aren’t a problem.

Second, boundaries. If I’ve hosted the past five events then maybe I need to decline hosting the next one rather than risk becoming bitter and resentful. I struggle with this one only because love is an action and I can love my extended family by actively hosting. However, I need to take a mental inventory of my spiritual headspace and if I’m not in a good place then I have no business hosting because that just sets me up for insincere and begrudging actions instead of loving ones. No one wants to be part of an atmosphere built around that.

Third, the kids. Need I say more? Has anyone else noticed how badly we are failing our kids? Their actions show our failings. Did your kids clear the table and do the Christmas dishes? Did your kids show gratitude in the face of receiving a gift that was not on their “list”? Did your kids painstakingly pick out and purchase (out of their own money) a thoughtful gift for anyone else and then wrap it? Did your kids (or adults) put away their new electronics in the following week without a fight? Was there any mention of Jesus? Not in my divided secular home, and I challenge you to ask yourself these same questions even if all of you are devoted Christ worshippers. Dig deep and see if there aren’t some changes you might want to make for yourself next year. I doubt it will be a desire to add more trimmings to the holiday, probably quite the opposite.

Admittedly, I have work to do, that isn’t a question. My servant’s heart needs work and I’ll be working on it. However, I don’t think that the whole problem lies with me. I think that we have swallowed a fish hook whole and are having a hard time coughing it up. It’s not a popular view point, to hate Christmas, and it’s not realistic to say that I’m done with the whole thing either because I’m married with kids but I plan on having a family meeting and discussing what next year might look like. I would love to keep the stuff that they love if they love it enough to contribute. I would also like to call a spade a spade and stop trying to fight for God’s place at the head of the holiday table. He can handle himself. He has a plan and Christmas was not mentioned. What was mentioned was a time in the end when the two witnesses are murdered by the beast and while their bodies are rotting in the streets “the inhabitants of the earth will gloat over them and will celebrate by sending each other gifts, because these two prophets had tormented those who live on the earth.” (Revelation 11:10 NIV). What a horrible and unusual time to be prompted to be giving gifts to each other, just saying. I have never been able to find Jesus easily in the mess of Christmas but I have always been able to find Him in the quiet of night while I’m tossing and turning in my bed frustrated, tired, and deeply unhappy at the absence of “magic” in my home during a time when the world pretends there is magic in abundance. He knows my heart, my hurt, my desire to please not only Him but those in my sphere of influence. He forgives me when I find myself lost in the world’s overt use of Christmas to distract us from the “Jesus was born” thing. Because He WAS born, God made Himself flesh, not in a palace but in a barn and He died a horrific death on a cross a mere 30 odd years later. A sacrifice made on our behalf, the best and only gift we truly needed. His message should not be shared with a Santa myth (lie) nor hidden under discarded gift wrappings but in the forefront of our minds on a daily basis where we allow His truth to bend our hearts and minds to His will for our best lives to be lived in service to Him. This is where my Christmas spirit is going to die and my love for the Lord will be reborn, portioned out every morning for all the remaining mornings until He returns or I’m called home.

To all of you that have found the magic of Christmas to be real and satisfying I say “Merry Christmas”. I’m very happy for you and no offense meant. To all of you who are suffering at the expense of this holiday I say, “Me too” and I hope you can find a happy balance that works better for you and yours next year. Happy New Year!