Category: Personal

Things that are about me

Cancer, Character, Christianity, Courage, Personal, Struggle

No Hair, Don’t Care . . .Or Do I?

Sally

As the date for my first chemo infusion swiftly approaches there were some things I needed to consider and a port that needed to be installed. There is a device called the DigniCap Scalp Cooling System, developed in Sweden and used in Europe since the 1970’s, that had finally been approved by the FDA for use in the US in December of 2015. The function of this cap is to keep your hair follicles cold enough that they shrink thereby absorbing less of the chemotherapy medicine which otherwise would kill the follicles, thus the hair loss. This silicon cap worn tight on the scalp is computer-controlled and monitors contact points on the scalp to continually adjust and keep the temperature of the scalp at 32F. There is an hour cooling period prior to the infusion that gets your scalp down to temperature and you wear it through the whole process and continue to wear it for a couple of hours after. They tell you that this devise will greatly reduce hair loss but in the brochure there is a whole lot more to it. For instance, you can’t color or bleach your hair, you can’t use most shampoos or hair products that have chemicals in them, you can’t use blow dryers or curling irons, you can’t tie your hair back in ponytails, and you need to comb your hair with a wide tooth comb several times a day to keep the hair that is falling out from matting with the hair that is still hanging on. This sounds like a nightmare because I’ve been dying my hair for thirty years, I know it’s grey and if I can’t keep up with the dye job it will grow out like a skunk stripe.

I needed to have someone give it to me straight, what the realistic expectation of hair loss is even with the use of this cap. I called up one of the nurses who works the chemotherapy wing and I asked her some really pointed questions. I could tell that she was trained to relay everything in a super optimistic way so I finally had to say, “Listen, I don’t care about the vanity of this situation. I need to know for upkeep and overall results what I can expect from this cap because I am considering shaving my head anyway.” She finally admitted that the cap was originally designed to save hair follicles from permanent damage not necessarily to stop the hair loss during treatment. She said I can still expect to lose up to 50% of my hair. This is information I needed because now it makes more sense for me to do what I can to simplify my hair care and to reduce the shock of handfuls of hair coming out. I decide to have my stylist (who also happens to be my sister) shave my head on all sides leaving a cute amount on top to play with. She did a balayage bleach treatment so that the hair will look more natural and not a stripe if it grows. This was a big deal just because I have long “blonde” hair and I’ve never cut it very short in my life. Here was another hurdle to overcome on my Fearless Journey Into The Unknown.

I think, as women, we tend to find our identities in things external. How we think we look to the world and to ourselves can either give us confidence or make us insecure. We might hide behind things like fashion, hair, makeup or high end bling. I felt empowered by my decision to face hair loss straight on by shaving my head but the minute I stepped out into public I had to face the reality that I no longer looked like “myself” and I could no longer hide behind that false sense of security. I had a really hard time with that person looking back at me in the mirror. She looked so foreign and she looked so masculine. It was hard to be out and about because I felt like people were assuming I might be gay or liberal. Yes, I said it. We, as a society, use looks as a means to stereotype people and it can lead to judgmental assumptions. These assumptions are not necessarily good or bad but they often aren’t true and when we deal with people based off of something that is not true it limits our ability to know them and love them for who they really are. I’m not upset by homosexuality nor by liberal belief systems, but I should be aware that I myself have preconceived ideas of what looks “gay” or “liberal” or whatever and how that effects my ability to accept and love people where they are for who they are regardless of how they present themselves. This is a lesson in love that I didn’t see coming and I’m so grateful for it. I need to learn to see people the way God sees people. I need to see their soul, their heart, their dreams, their hurts, their humanity. I need to see them the way I want to be seen, deeper than the external allows.

I John 4:7-8 NLT “Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”

I Corinthians 16:14 NLT “And do everything with love.”

Luke 6:32 NLT “If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them!”

John 15:17 NLT “This is my command: love each other.”

God is really working on my heart, melting away a hard shell that has been constricting and deluding me for years. Love is an action and an attitude. It’s an openness that wants to embrace all people for all that they are. It strips away external and embraces eternal (the soul). The only way to win people in this upside down world is to love them. I need that same curtesy, especially now. I’m broken wide open and feel free to freely love for the first time in my life, and I’m thinking of taking the hair one step further by dying it pink. God is good too. That first trip to the grocery store, a woman stopped me in the isle and said that she loved my look and she wanted me to know. I have had a lot of people tell me that this style really seems to embody my real personality and that I really can rock the shave. I have never had so many strangers bless me with compliments in my life. I take this as a hug from God telling me that I am still cute, I’m more than my hair, and He helped bolster my confidence.

**Update, about three weeks after my first infusion treatment the hair started falling out in clumps and handfuls. I have to testify that shaving my head the way I did was very much the right decision for me. It was alarming to see the amounts of hair in my hand and collected around the drain. I am very thin on the sides now. I think this would have been way harder to navigate if I was still trying to hang on to the illusion of hair. It is hard to keep up with the shedding even when I don’t have as much longer hair to worry about.

Books, Character, Christianity, Courage, Forgiveness, Friendship, Personal, Struggle

Courageous

Sally

Recently I was invited to a birthday party, a party that I had wanted to be included in from the first I knew of it’s existence. But as the day and time of the party drew near, my anxiety about having to walk into this party increased. As I let out a deep sigh and bolstered myself into the room, I was struck by the dreaded feeling of not belonging. I instantly relived old hurts of not fitting in, not having a place, not being seen and the humility that comes from a deep secret fear that my being there was a mistake. You see, the room was full of wonderful women, smart women, revolutionary women who fight daily against social injustice, inequality, abuse, racism and mediocrity. Several of the women there are great lovers of humanity, or of God, and at the very least great lovers of life. I can’t say that I’m really a great fit for any of these descriptors thus maybe not a great fit as friendly companionship to these woman. The lie is that I’m not an equally valuable contributor to society nor to the room. I’m just simply me, and a wounded me at that. I mostly wanted to hide. In hiding I could possibly stay protected and maybe in control of my lurking suspicion that at 43 years of age I haven’t made any significant contributions or a lick of positive difference on this planet. The ever present question, “What am I doing with my life?”, is especially loud and clear this evening. The weird thing is I’m surrounded by friends and acquaintances. I “know” everyone at this party from some place of kindness and goodwill in my community or another so why do I feel so alone and so very uninvited when quite clearly I was?

God heard my cry. He always does because He is faithful and He comforted me in that special way He does, through books. One of the friends from the evening sent me a text the very next day about a book she was about to purchase. She had no idea I was struggling nor did she have any inkling that this book would be for me. She was just sharing her next book purchase with me, off the cuff. No surprises here, the title was perfectly appropriate to what I was still processing from the night before. The book was Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa TerKeurst. I promptly bought it myself and what an honest read it was as it put balm and ointment on my fears, hurts and insecurities. Lysa, the author, suggested two fears I might have been wrestling with that night, two fears that lurk in the shadows of every social engagement I have had the courage to expose myself to in the last several years. They are 1. The fear of abandonment and 2. The fear of losing one’s identity. I accept the first fear as my own because I was abandoned by someone I had poured twelve years of love and acceptance into. She was a dear friend who rejected me in an instant when we had our first major disagreement. I believe that her pain was too great for her to overcome and therefore it was easier for her to reject and exile me rather than face it and find ways to heal and reconcile. But even with the insight God has been gracious to give me on the situation, I still have my own personal wounds turned fears to overcome. To look out into that room at that party was to see many potential close friendships that might easily about-face in a nano second if they find something in me that they don’t like because it’s happened before. As Lysa (the author) pointed out, “Things of this world all eventually reveal what incapable anchors they really are.” “Things” for me is actually “people”, and “people” is actually “close-friend”, and “close-friend” is actually someone I experienced a “soul-tie” with and that “soul-tie” when ripped apart naturally took part of my soul away with her. Painful. Very.

As for the part about losing one’s identity, I guess I need to remind myself that it’s my identity in Christ that is truth, not an identity that suggests that what happened in that friendship gone wrong translates into my being a bad friend, a bad person, or someone who has nothing good to offer others. Those are feelings that were born out of brokenness, but as Lysa kindly reminds me,

“Feelings are broken boards. Only truth is solid, unchanging, and stable through and through. Old patterns of thought must be torn out, and a new way of looking at the core of who I am using God’s truth has to be put into place. My identity must be anchored to the truth of who God is and who He is to me.”

My decision is made; I will continue to learn and grow and present the best version of myself to the world and trust that God will bring people into my life who are doing the same. In the mean time, I might be lonely and I might feel unseen and I might not be invited but I am not the sum total of those insecurities. Instead, I am loved by God and I am well on my way to aligning myself with my God given purpose and what/where/and who He has mapped out for me. What I was longing for in the party room that night was connectivity. I long to connect with women who are doing life with the Lord on a more enlightened plain than I’m on because I want to be lifted up, challenged and forced to grow beyond where I currently am. I want to see the world through different perspectives than my own, in ways that unravel my predisposed prejudices and replace them with humbling, God revealed realities I hadn’t considered before. I want to be in safe communion with women who are not intimidated by my fumbling and short comings but who can lovingly show me to myself for the purpose of spiritual growth and mutual celebrations of God’s grace through His discipline and admonishment. These women may or may not be those who were in attendance that night but it doesn’t matter because I’m believing in God’s provision. He will deliver the perfect friendships at the perfect time in line with His refinement and purpose for my life. I will not be captivated by the fear that this loneliness is more than temporary and for a season. I am holding out for the goodness and fulness of His provision as He deems fit. My only obligation is to press on and boldly play my unique note to the world.

One thing I can do while I wait is contemplate and act appropriately on the question Lysa asks;

“Do I walk into situations empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless me?”

I don’t want to be that needy person in the room, the one that needs reassurance and validation to be there. I’d much rather be overflowing with God’s love in a way that I can offer it freely to others rather than needing others to fill up a deficit within myself. Let’s face it, very few people can detect the deficit for what it is in others none the less fill it up to satisfaction. Only God fits into those God-sized holes. But what a refreshment it would be to enter into a social situation with confidence that I’m there to be a blessing to someone rather than with the nervousness of an unmet need looking to be filled.

Lysa brings up another very important factor that rejection tries to steal from us, our hesitancy to trust again. Humans break trust all the time, sometimes on purpose. I trusted that I could be honest with my ex-friend and I was wrong, she trusted that I would never speak up on some subjects that bothered me and she was wrong. This lays fertile ground for the idea that it is absolutely not safe to be vulnerable, transparent or trusting of other human beings no matter how long you have known them or how long you have professed to love them and them you. Lysa describes this well,

“Girls who have the lingering whispers of rejection still echoing in the hollows of their soul rarely feel completely held safe. So they look at gaps of the unknown and hesitate at best. Run away at worst. They crave for life to make sense. They cringe when it doesn’t. It’s unfathomable to take a leap into something as uncertain as air and expect to stay intact. What we see will violate what we know unless what we know dictates what we see.”

God has been whispering so much truth to my soul about my lost friendship that I can finally see it through His eyes. It was a pruning from which significant growth on my part was had. It was a humbling so that I can approach future relationships with more love and grace than ever before. It was reprioritizing so that I can have no other before Him (and also not before my own husband). It was a sure way for Him to draw me to Himself because the pain was so acute and so long suffering (several years have already passed and it still seems like my loss was realized yesterday). She never was my enemy and I refuse to think she is now, it is just a reconciliation that is still waiting to happen and I continue to pray and trust in God to orchestrate it. So naturally I’m gun shy at this friendship thing now. I am reluctant to show my heart to people for fear that they will misunderstand me or worse not care. I have trust issues trying to take hold. But God will not fail me, He will cross the room with me at these parties and He will commune with me in the awkward silences or pregnant stares. He will make me able to withstand another lost friendship should it come to that and He will be diligent in teaching me important lessons through it. He allows me to be me in all my imperfections and so I will be courageous and allow myself to be seen, to be vulnerable, to hold my heart open to the next lovely creature who also wants to be seen and to be vulnerable and to hold open her heart as well. I consciously choose to go first and not let fear weigh me down nor steal my future wherever it might lead and to whomever it might lead. I might not be invited next time, but if and when I am I will be looking to be a blessing rather than one who’s allowing fear to choke the atmosphere out of the party. I’m not the life of the party, never have been, but hey, I’m a great listener.

Books, Character, Christianity, Finances, Friendship, Love, Marriage, Money, Personal, Prayer, Quotes, Uncategorized

Marriage Initiative Take 1

Sally

I was anxious to start this new year, as I am every year, because the idea of a fresh start is so irresistible. I’ve already decided that the focus for positive change this year will be my marriage. I lost a significant friendship a year and a half ago and had some other friendships diminish into the outer layers of life focus and intention and with that I’ve felt a substantial loss and a desire to realign my connectivity to the world and my place in it closer to home and truer to my core values. Is it possible that I could foster a deeper relationship with my husband? A relationship where he could be my best friend and me his? 

I’ve had those “bitch” sessions with many of my friends and family about what our spouses will or won’t do, how they treat us or don’t, if they “get” us or not, and I’ve always dolled out the sage advice, “You can only change you so focus on that”. According to many of the marriage books I’ve read, and even the bible, effecting big positive change in a relationship can come about by making small positive changes in ourselves (accompanied by intensive prayer of course). That seems all nice and cozy attainable in theory but it can also cause some serious counter-cultural panic attacks because let’s face it, we live in a world of “me” philosophy. We are conditioned to think “what about me?” thoughts and to live very selfishly because if WE don’t work hard to look out for OUR own interests – no one will, or so we believe.

I’ll go first. I will take one for the team ladies and gents. I will lay down my pursuit of things that serve me in the effort to find something that will hopefully be life changing for my marriage. I wanted to call this effort the Marriage Experiment but realized that the acronym was then going to be ME and we can’t have that! We are supposed to be laying ME down in all of this so I’m now calling it the Marriage Initiative (which is still “me” in Spanish but we won’t go there). I want to see firsthand what kind of changes I can effect in my relationship with my husband by making changes to myself in my approaches, my words, and my actions. If the changes I see are worthy and sustainable then my hope is to inspire you to look at making similar changes in your relationships so that we all can experience that depth of intimacy we crave and were wired for.

A famous quote by Albert Einstien, “Insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” pretty much sums up a lot of our marriages don’t you think? Many of us think if I just get angrier, if I give less and less, if I stay more silent, if I withhold things – then he will finally notice me and take care of my needs for once. We all keep falling back on these patterns and it’s insanity! If anything, I think it propels us closer to divorce thoughts, fears and realities. I don’t want to go there! I’m only eleven years in with my marriage and I need to make it a good forty or so more. Yes it’s work, get over it. And it’s vulnerability at its finest but let’s face it, nothing worthwhile in this life comes easy and effortless. Luckily, I’ve already read Brene’ Brown so I’m feeling fairly equipped for those terrifying moments of being transparent, vulnerable, wholehearted and seen (I realize there will be many of those moments along the way).

To get the conversation started, the first thing I did was sit down with my husband and ask him to take an intimacy test/questionnaire with me. I won’t lie, it took prayer and lots of prodding to get my husband to participate. But, I told him that I wanted to work on some things and I pointed out how he would directly benefit from this exercise if only he would answer a few questions. 40 Forms of Intimacy: Integrating Daily Connection Into Your Couple Relationship written by Alexander Avila, was a very helpful guide in establishing a starting point. Avila helps you take a close look at what your personal connections with your partner are and he identifies forty different types of connections we can sustain in a marriage. John (my husband) and I took the “Personal Intimacy Inventory” spelled out in the book. At each type of intimacy (and no, we are not talking all things sexual – there are many other types) you ask each other did we have this at one time, do we have it now, or do we want it or want to maintain it for the future of our marriage. Some things are more important to me and some more important to him and this helped give us insight into what we both would consider enriching to our relationship.

One of the top ones John pointed out that he would like me to work on is (and if you’ve read any of my previous blogs this won’t come as a shock) Financial Intimacy. It is defined by Avila as “experiencing a sense of closeness while earning, saving, spending, giving and investing together”.  Yikes. I feel like closeness is a two-way street. I might be more willing to save if I knew what we were saving for, if I felt like I was part of a team working toward a common and exciting goal. Investing is something my husband does in a private and undisclosed way, can I be made privy of all that and be part of those decisions? I sense that when he says he wants financial intimacy he really means he just wants me to not spend money and not ask money questions. This typically would be an impasse for us but maybe, just maybe, it is an opportunity for me to make small changes that would hopefully effect the bigger picture and draw us to real intimacy in that area of our relationship. But what to do?

Here is my game plan. First, I have to be willing to show up and be vulnerable in the conversation. Money talks bring up a lot of old Daddy issues for me and typically set off triggers that compute into intense feelings of shame. If we are going to get intimate on this subject I’m going to have to be able to stay in the room regardless of my feelings of discomfort. I will remind him that I have difficulty with this subject matter and ask him to be mindful of my fight or flight instinct. Next, I need to make the first move toward meeting his financial needs by intentionally not spending excess money. If I can show him my diligence in this maybe he will be able to take me seriously on other money subjects, like making a plan for our kids college future, trusts, or financial investment strategies. Finally, I will be praying for God’s help in this.I will ask Him for wisdom, self-control, and a softness between my husband and I so that we can move forward in financial unity. It’s an experiment remember, so give me some time to implement my plan and I’ll check in with progress (good and bad) as I stay committed to the process. Help me Jesus!

Books, Character, Christianity, Fitness, Missions, Personal, Prayer, Pride, Struggle

To Walk the Walk

Sally

I’ve been down (although not completely out).  It seems that I continue to have a lot to learn about perseverance and staying on the path.  Summer tends to do this to me.   If I don’t have a schedule then I completely derail.  I continue to go on a crash course until I can’t stand myself or my kids one second longer and then I finally remember what the answer is, cling to God!  I cannot do it on my own, I never have been able to and I don’t expect to be able to for eternity.  I need to remember my dependence and embrace it like my life depends upon it because, well it does.

I had a mini-break down and got on my knees in full on confession.  Of course, I instantly felt better.  I suddenly had hope again because I realized that God was going to see me through.  The reality is He never left me; I was hiding from Him and from myself.  Why do I do this?

One thing I was recently made aware of is that I have some issues with fear.  I would never say that I was afraid of much before.  I don’t care too much about what people think of me, I have learned to not be fearful of my children’s future or my husband’s God –status.  I am not afraid of death or the future and money never had my heart.  None the less, I have discovered a lack of willingness to live my life to the fullest and I think it stems from fear.  I suspect it could be fear of the hard work required to crucify the flesh and finish something (obedience falls in there too).  I have been made aware of some strongholds in my life and how I might have left a door open to the enemy, giving him some dominion in my home.  Not good.

I need to be set free (again).  The first step to freedom is identifying what areas have been taken by strongholds and identifying what they are.  According to Robert Morris, in his book titled Truly Free: Breaking the Snares That So Easily Entangle, a sure sign there might be strongholds and footholds in our life is if we can identify continual and habitual sin.  Sin allows Satan on opportunity to control and influence us.  I would have to say yes, this has been true for me this summer.  My confession is that I have a habit of “numbing” by way of Netflix. It might not seem like sin to an outsider but I’ve learned that sin can be very overt in this way.   I can watch BBC episodes unending (something about those Brits!) and I do – as a means to escape my real life.  I don’t feel like dealing with my boys so then I’m off to my room to watch an episode.  I don’t feel like working out or cleaning or talking to my husband – off to my room to watch.  Sin!  I know that it is a distraction from what I really need to be doing and it keeps me from engaging in the fight and from really living my own life.  It steals, kills and destroys hours of precious life one hour at a time.  Sound familiar?  Sound like a door open for the enemy?  Does to me, and I’m addicted.  I’m being a slave to television not to God and therefore a slave to sin which leads to death and I will tell it to you straight, I have felt dead.  I have opened a door in my life for the enemy and I am a fool to think there won’t be consequences.

Another thing Robert Morris says that points to strongholds are continued illnesses.  I haven’t been sick from a physical standpoint but I have definitely been unhealthy.  I have gained a lot of weight and become very weak.  I can tell my body is breaking down and it is more than just my age starting to catch up to me.  I have developed a fear of working out (notice the word work there?).  I dread it and have been avoiding it for some unknown reason.  I think I have been believing  some lies that suggest  I can’t lose weight, that I can’t stick to a program to completion, that I can’t make my goals and so why try.  I denounce those lies!  If God says that I can do all things through Him then I can, and that includes completing some personal goals for healthy living and an active lifestyle.  I need to trust in what God says about me and what He has planned for me and I need to start embracing my calling which includes a healthy version of me.  Put the oxygen on yourself before helping others right?

The last thing to beware of is what he calls “continued influence”.  Thank goodness I haven’t gone that far off the deep end.  I don’t do astrology, horoscopes, psychics or the like.  Never have, never will.  I have recently become very sensitive to the idea of the spiritual world and how real it is (another blog) and that is why I am so disappointed that I may have left a door open in my home for the enemy to waltz right in and take me down.

One thing that has been saving me is God’s Word.  I still read my daily digest (as I call it) most every day and catching up when I miss.  This renewal of my mind has been imperative.  For me, it requires a good forty-five minutes of: Jesus Lives and Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, Love Out Loud: 365 Devotions for Loving God, Loving Yourself and Loving Others by Joyce Meyer, Breaking Free Day by Day and Praying God’s Word Day by Day by Beth Moore, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, The One Year Bible NLT from Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Devotions for Sacred Parenting: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Parents and Devotions for a Sacred Marriage: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Couples by Gary L. Thomas, Get Low: Reflections on Pride and Humility by Jack Wisdom and last but not least  65 Promises from God for Your Child: Powerful Prayers for Supernatural Results by Mike Shreve.  Does it seem like over kill?  Well, when you struggle with parenting, pride and love issues it’s not!

Here’s the thing, you can read all you want about God, self-help, God-help, spirituality, what to do, what not to do, etc. and it doesn’t make a bit of difference if you don’t actually apply the principals to your life.  At the very best it can be just another numbing technique (I suspect it has become dangerously close to this for me).  Kind of like feeling skinnier simply because you bought the gym membership or the treadmill.  I need to walk the walk and what I can’t seem to get is that walking actually requires steps to be made.  Not just a wiggle of a toe, not just a comprehensive head nod, or an amen, but an actual step.  And when you string these series of steps upon steps and look back you can finally see that you walked.  Then you realize that you need God to direct these steps so that you are on His chosen path for you and that you do not have the luxury of straying to the left or to the right because He loves you and He knows what ditch, cliff or stronghold waits for you on either side and you learn to trust Him in all things because of a relationship.  And a meaningful relationship with Him can only be developed through consistent prayer and submission.  I realize that I need to be talking to God before I leave the house because that’s where the majority of “steps” take place and I don’t want to be off my path from the get go.

I heard somewhere recently that while faith is an act of worshiping God, fear is an attitude of worshiping Satan.  I do not want to feed my fears, no matter how small and insignificant they might seem.  I do not want to give the enemy the pleasure of stopping me from reaching my potential, my goals and my ministry.  I need to make a series of steps, which make up a walk that show perseverance and a total reliance and trust in my Lord.  I have confessed to you my struggle and now I need a plan.  It starts simple I believe.  It starts with asking God to be with me as I fight the desire to resist working out, resist eating donuts, resist BBC programing.  It starts with noticing a hesitation, a bio-reaction maybe that smacks of fear and moving through that feeling with courage.  It’s when you make it through to the other side that you get to experience that wonder of joy and accomplishment.  That is where I want to live, in the arena with gloves on.  Meet me there!

Books, Christianity, Parenting, Personal, Thanksgiving

I Am Grateful

Sally

Well, summer is over and the kids are back in school. We’ve been able to get back into some good schedules and routines which means . . . I am able to start blogging again. And none too soon either as I struggle with several new trials, character flaws, relationship issues and the like. Regardless, I am grateful. Yes, I choose thanksgiving in spite of the hurts, the misunderstandings, the shame and guilt and brokenness. I can control nothing and I can trust no one but I can trust Jesus and know that He is in control. The long and short of it is I have given it all to Him. And in the giving of my pain and bewilderment, confusion and embarrassment, I have found peace and most importantly growth.

Before summer break started, the small prayer group I attend was beginning a study by Ann Voskamp called One Thousand Gifts. We each got fresh notebooks to start what I thought would be a Gratitude Journal and with it I felt I knew what to expect – another feel good bible study where we try to sugar coat life’s bitterness by loosing ourselves in the positive rather than the negative. I couldn’t have been more wrong. We managed to get through only one introductory session before we dispersed for summer but in that first session I found a wellspring of insights that touched some very deep and tender spots hidden in my heart. I went on to read her book these last few weeks and have been so blessed because of it.

To understand how I feel things you need to know a little more about me. One of my personality traits happens to be sentimentality. I am very aware of the passing of time and with it people, places, and things. I am drawn to the elderly and their stories as I strain to understand how the world keeps changing. I habitually watch Turner Classic movies and have been watching “black and whites” since I was a small girl. I love to read old classics and would look at publishing dates when choosing books at my local library to be sure they were circa 1959. I find estate jewelry to be intriguing, old homes fascinating and I have been known to use the word “mooning” in conversation. With this kind of disposition I find myself very melancholy at times and that translated into a tangible depression when my children were born.

With children about, you are constantly reminded that time is passing and moments are fleeting whether you are ready for them to be or not. I have tortured myself with questions like, “Is this going to be the last time I will ever rock him to sleep?” or “Is this the last night they will let me sing to them at bedtime?” We all know that there is a “last time” but often are so busy keeping up with the different phases or frustrations of child rearing that moments like these can be passed by unnoticed only to be sorely missed later. Children grow like weeds, right before your eyes and you can’t hold onto them no matter how you try. I have tried to take mental pictures, memorization’s of moments that I held precious but even those become fuzzy with time.  I have been left with sadness many nights because the mom I wanted to be in this crazy fast time that I get to be a mom is hardly ever the mom I am and I know that those days, hours, moments are lost to me forever. I can not reconcile it so I mourn it with longing and with passion.

Ann Voskamp understands this. She spoke to my heart, her sorrow to mine, when she wrote,

“. . . and these six kids lean hard into me all day to teach and raise and lead and I fail hard and there are real souls that are at stake and how long do I really have to figure out how to live full of grace, full of joy – before these six beautiful children fly the coop and my mothering days fold up quiet?”

Ann has discovered the answer and I am thrilled. The answer could help me find joy in the moments and actually slow down that clock which I resist so much. The answer for Ann, and now for me, is eucharisteo. It is a Greek word and my understanding of this word is; to find grace (God’s gift) in all things and in each moment, give thanks for it and in return experience joy. There are so many layers to this principle that Ann Voskamp so beautifully explains in One Thousand Gifts and my soul has eagerly lapped up each and every word desperate to find my loving God in all things. As for slowing down time, I need to slow down and appreciate each moment for the gift that it is. In so doing, I keep my eyes on God with my hands open to Him and all He sees fit to give me (including the pain) and my heart stays open with thanksgiving knowing and noticing all the ways that He loves me and then the joy comes.

As Ann said,

“Thanksgiving creates abundance; and the miracle of multiplying happens when I give thanks – take the just one loaf, say it is enough, and give thanks – and He miraculously makes it more than enough.”

This works for time too. Give thanks to God for the time I have from moment to moment and I can be mindful of the gift that it is and receive all the joy those moments have to offer. It slows me down so that I am more aware of it all and not so fast to tear at it with my anger and impatience. The miracle then for me is less regret and I am so thankful for it.

That new notebook is not a Gratitude Journal. No, it is much more then that. It is a collection, a counting, of moments – gifts from God, reminders of how good He is. It is a perspective changer, an attitude adjustment and a journal of the spirit. It is holy and present; it is a communion with God. He loves our praise and He loves our thanksgiving and now I love to give it. I too am counting my gifts from God and though I am only on #220 (little lost Chiclet teeth making adorable snaggle tooth smiles) I will press on and continue counting well past one thousand. It is so healing.

Ann Voskamp also talks about perspective and it applies to everything I think and do. How I see is going to affect everything. If my eyes (my perspective) are bad then so is everything else in my life. She refers to what Jesus said in Matthew 6:22-23 (ESV)

“The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!”

If I don’t stay on top of my daily “dialysis” by reading the Word (bible) then I am not being filled with the light and of course darkness sets in.

Ann describes it like this,

“Bad eyes fill with darkness so heavy the soul aches because empty is never truly empty; empty is only a full, deepening darkness.”

I have personally experienced that; another solid motivator to keep me in God’s Word. Thank you Ann and thank you Jesus for helping me see so many things I’ve needed to see for so long. I am grateful!

Books, Character, Christianity, Hunger, Love, Martyrdom, Missions, Money, Personal, Quotes

Dying to Self for the Betterment of Our World

Sally

I have found no better cure for a bad case of the “me’s” then by submerging myself in worldly problems. Suburbia in America is one of the easiest places to hide from the world’s ugly side; the poverty, the injustice, the persecution, the wars and death of every kind. Well, I pulled out some periodicals and documentaries to help me put things in perspective. A magazine that I find very helpful in keeping my mind and heart in tune with true suffering in the world is The Voice of the Martyrs. There are modern day martyrs being tortured, imprisoned, driven into exile and of course killed every day just because they have the audacity to believe in Jesus. This has happened to someone, somewhere today. Did you know that? In America we can worship Satan, our coffee, our money or a rock and no one looks at us twice. Maybe we have forgotten that it is a privilege to have religious freedom and that most humans in the world do not have that privilege. The Voice of the Martyrs does an excellent job of keeping the plights of our fellow human beings in the light. They tell the modern day stories of heroism and martyrdom to anyone who is willing to listen and they offer ways for us to get involved and help. Did you know that there are Christians who mark their ability to trust other Christians by how many times they have been imprisoned for their faith? We need to open our eyes! I encourage you to check it out and add these people to your prayer list. We might not be able to solve all of these political, social or religious problems facing our world today but we know Someone who can and we should ask Him to protect and strengthen His people who are suffering in this way.

Next, I watched a documentary. I have watched many over the years because documentaries are one way to get educated about some of our bigger world issues without a lot of the Hollywood gloss or media bent. This documentary came about because I attended a mandatory training session at my local food bank for the purpose of volunteering there in the future. A Place at the Table was recommended by the food bank administrator as a means to break down the misconceptions about hunger in America. Of course I watched it right away. Here are some disturbing things I found out: Did you know that 50 million people are going hungry in a nation that has more than enough food? Did you know that we willingly spend more on a grande latte at Starbucks then we do for America’s children to eat a healthy lunch provided by our schools? Did you know that obesity is a sister problem driven by poverty because it’s cheaper to buy crappy foods then healthy foods? Working people (not just unemployed people) can not afford to feed their families because their wages are too low for sustainability. New terminologies were introduced to me through this documentary; food insecurity and food deserts. Food insecurity describes millions of people who truly do not know when or where their next meal is going to come from, day in and day out. These people could be your neighbors or your children’s friends. It’s a quiet suffering for most people. Food deserts are places (both rural and urban) where fresh fruits and vegetables are not delivered. I was shocked! Corner store, mom and pop shops, only sell processed and pre-packaged goods. Because of proximity or lack of transportation, long bus rides or gas money, it is difficult for many people to get to a fully stocked grocery store. Now what about me again?

Are you one who feels sad but mostly relieved that this isn’t happening to you? Or is it happening to you? Or, are you like me, who knows that one lost job and this could be my story. Either way, it is uncomfortable to think about. Also, it feels so hopeless. What can I do? Anything I do is a tiny drop in a giant ocean. I loved Ashley Judd’s memoir called All That is Bitter and Sweet. It is so much more than an account of her life. She is very involved in working with organizations and charities to help with heavy world issues. She has seen some horrific human suffering and she has put to words many things that I have felt even though I have not seen nor experienced even an eighth of what she has. She wrote,

“I began hearing a critical voice in my head: I am not doing enough, I need to do more, I have to do more . . . It was mental panic. Shortly, though, my recovery rose up to meet this insanity and call it what it was: selfishness and self-centeredness. I was able to hear all the “I, I, I, I, I” that my ego was shouting, and all the other words receded. To the untrained ear, it might have sounded like compassion and goodwill, to me, it was all about what “I” needed to do, which is “edging God out” (ego) in an attempt to stifle my powerful emotional responses to the things I had seen. I was able to remind myself that all that is asked of me is that I increase my conscious contact with the God of my understanding, ask for knowledge of Her will for me and the strength to carry that out . . . I am cleaning house, trusting God, doing what is in front of me. That is good, and that is enough. I am enough.”

Yes, all this “I, I, I” business, I am so tired of me. If I can be obedient, trust God and do the work that I see in front of me, then for now, that should be enough. But here is another issue, judging the people who have the problem. Dr. J. Larry Brown, author of Living Hungry in America, said in the same documentary,

“We sort of have this love/hate relationship with poverty and the poor. On the one hand, you know, we have a wonderful history of helping others and a lot of good rhetoric. Bring us your struggling masses yearning to be free, this is the land of opportunity and we care about one another. And we do, in many ways. But our care is always predicated on the fact that we’re worried that somebody else is getting something for free or something they don’t deserve.”

As I walked out of my food bank training, I saw a family of women (four generations) hop out of an expensive SUV with their cell phones to their ears. They walked to get front spots in line for when the food bank opened. Did I take mental pause? I admit that I did. Was I worried that somebody was getting something for free that maybe they didn’t deserve? Yes, and immediately that made me part of the problem. God says judge not that you be not judged (Matthew 7:1,2). In What Difference Do it Make, written by Ron Hall, Denver Moore, and Lynn Vincent, Ron reminds me,

“We are judged by our compassion, how we live our lives, not by how Joe ultimately lives his. God commands us to love, not to calculate the end game. It is only when Joe is loved without strings that he is set free to (eventually) turn a corner and voluntarily become accountable to those who have placed faith in him.”

There is that word again, love. I need to work on that. I need to love in ways that require absolutely nothing in return. Denver Moore, once a homeless man himself, writes,

“. . . even if you bless some needy person just a little bit, God might use other folks down the line to weave your little gift into a bigger blessin. And if you bless folks, you gon’ get the blessin back, no matter what they does with the money. So you give the gift with no strings attached, and let God take care a’ business on the other end.”

I need to let God take care of His business and mind my own. When I get to heaven and I have to be accountable to God for the way I lived my life, I don’t think He is going to say, “Sally, why did you give food and time and money to your local food bank? Didn’t you realize that there were people lined up there taking advantage of the system?” No, I can’t imagine Him saying that. But I can hear Him saying to me, “Sally, you really blew it. Your pride and circumstance clouded your judgment and you sinned against Me and My people in need because you thought you knew something that wasn’t your business to know. You didn’t follow Jesus’ example, Sally, you didn’t love first.” Here is my first important lesson toward loving people better; leave my thoughts and feelings, my criticisms and hurts, my judgments and ideas out of it. Love unconditionally and out of love do the work.

Character, Christianity, Forgiveness, Holy Spirit, Personal, Prayer, Quotes, Words

Grievances

Sally

I hadn’t been able to write a follow up to my Dragon scales problem until now because I was still very much in the middle of it and truly confused about what was causing all of my turmoil. I am feeling much better this week and can finally see some things with clarity. I still do not understand all of the in’s and out’s of what was bothering me but what I have come to understand I will share with you now.

First off, I must confess that I was spiritually “coasting”. I had my feet off the biblical pedals and when things started to head up hill I didn’t have the oomph to get through because I had left my power source turned off. I don’t know why I wasn’t reading my daily bible or why I stopped talking to God regularly. I wasn’t mad at Him or trying to ignore Him in my life, I was just tired. I lost sight of the fact that especially when we are tired and discouraged we need to stay connected to God.

Also, smack dab in the middle of these past few weeks was Easter. I felt very flat and unemotional during this time. Because Easter is to be a holy reminder of a very big event in our Christian heritage, my level of disconnect was alarming to me. Jesus died on the cross for me and here I was pouring candy down my gullet in a way a severe alcoholic might pour whiskey down theirs. Having recently acknowledged a possible sugar addiction and just coming off a 10-day sugar detox, I saw this as a symptom of deeper stuff going on as well. My flesh was screaming at me.

Another thing, whenever I bowed my head to pray at church or in my prayer group, tears just poured out of my head. I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel angry, I didn’t have anything on my mind even. I was having an overwhelming physical response to what my spirit must have been feeling. Was my spirit grieving?

Luckily I happened to listen to one of Joyce Meyer’s programs on television. It really spoke to my heart and clued me in on some things that were going on, some sins that were eating at me. I ritually watch her program while I put my makeup on for the day, except not these last few weeks. Again, I was coasting. But for some reason I did watch this one. That reason, I believe, was because I needed to watch it.

Joyce was preaching directly to the subject of grieving the Holy Spirit. She said,

“I went to church for many years, I never understood the power of my words, did not understand them at all, therefore I just said what I wanted to, anytime I wanted to, and I was just constantly grieving the Holy Spirit and opening doors for the enemy in my life and didn’t even know it.”

Check and check. She points us to Ephesians 4:30 (NIV is my version) where it says,

“And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”

I remember this.  I know you shouldn’t grieve the Holy Spirit but what I didn’t remember or know is what Joyce points to a few minutes later – verses 29 and 31! Verse 29 says,

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

And verse 31 says,

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”

Yes, it is my words that are causing me trouble.  I know I over share.  I tell too much information to all the wrong people. I occasionally will cuss and exaggerate. I sometimes have subtle forms of malice in my heart and what is in my heart my mouth eventually speaks (Matthew 12:34).  I need to be very careful that what I say is helpful according to other people’s needs. It needs to benefit those who are listening to me. That guideline alone will cut my conversations to an absolute minimum. I need to think hard before I open my mouth and I need to stay in touch with God continually for His help in this area because it is proving to be very hard.

Looking back over these past few weeks I wonder how I got so easily sidetracked. I marvel at how fast the enemy can use those moments of weakness to stage a full frontal attack. As Joyce also pointed out, our words can either speak life or death. I have been speaking death! I feel terrible that I have been speaking “death” over probably a truck load of people because my words were of this world’s standard and not God’s. This has become a very strong conviction for me. I think I will need to implement a word fast. I will limit myself to uplifting conversation, to conversation that is necessary, holding myself not to speculation but only to absolute truth. I am hoping that this will allow the Holy Spirit to freely work within me and to give me the power I need to finish the race, not to give up and be discouraged as I have done.

I will end with King David’s song from Psalm 51 because I felt such a kinship to his words. David is writing of his sorrow resulting from his sin with Bathsheba and because my own self-condemnation has been so heavy upon me of late I really felt his words.

Psalm 51:1 – 17 (NIV)

Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love, because of your great compassion, lot out the stain of my sins.

Wash me clean from my guilt, purify me from my sin.

For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night.

Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just.

For I was born a sinner- yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.

But you desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there.  Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me- now let me rejoice.

Don’t keep looking at my sins.  Remove the stain of my guilt.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.  Renew a loyal spirit within me.

Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.

Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you.

Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.

Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you.

You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.  You do not want a burnt offering.

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.  You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

 

Personal

Today is my birthday . . .

Sally

And I turn 41.  I had all these plans for the year of the fortieth.  Some of it was the usual garden variety stuff, like lose a ton of weight, yell less, spend less, forgive certain people (for real this time) and become a mega volunteer. My other goals were more serious and spiritual in nature.  I wanted to get to know God intimately, to pray and study everyday, to grow in patience for the sake of my boys and to become a better Christian as an example for my unbelieving husband.

I thought these plans were well laid because the year of the fortieth was also a big transitional year for me.  My youngest son would be joining his older brother at school by attending full day kindergarten (the best thing ever invented aside from sliced bread).  I would have all this time!  I could finally become that Super Mom that I just knew was residing underneath all that real mom stuff.

Ha.

To be perfectly honest, those first few weeks after school started I was lost.  With no one to parent, no one watching me, no one around . . . I found myself in bed, a lot.  I don’t suffer from depression usually and I’m a big self-starter.  I love a clean house and I love to cook.  Grocery shopping (without kids of course) is no big deal.  I am a natural homemaker so this lack of drive and lethargic attitude was alarming to say the least.

Then add my loving husband to the equation, who came home every night those first few weeks with the most dreaded of all questions on his sweet lips, ‘What did you do today?’  Um, ‘Laid in bed’, is not exactly the response you should give a hard working man after a long day at the office, so I evaded those questions as best I could by getting angry and defensive.

Just to help you understand my head space at that time, here is an excerpt from my diary dated August 26, 2013:

I’m miserable.  Imagine reading Shane Claiborne’s The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical while sitting in a smoky Las Vegas lounge as a sea of people wash up around you with all their own palpable misery.  We need God so badly and we need a better way desperately.  But I am not ready to deal with the “we” part yet.  I need to figure out “me” first.  I need to re-evaluate where my life is headed and how I can make some drastic changes.

Here is an inventory of my misery; over weight by at least twenty-five pounds (a result of sin; gluttony, emotional turmoil), distant in my relationship with God (tangled, misguided priorities), plugged into the world’s economy instead of trading it for God’s (materialism at its fullest), lacking in love for the better part of mankind (how can you love others when you clearly do not love yourself?), not having a servant’s heart (if its all about me I am not even noticing what you need), not having enough patience to treat the ones I love the most with respect and kindness (unhappiness will do that to you).  Over all, I seem to be lacking in the fruits of the Spirit.  I need to engage the Holy Spirit and find myself made new in Jesus.

Well, that’s all fine and good but I’ve tried to change all this before.  I’ve been on countless diets, I’ve made vows not to spend, I’ve tried to treat the kids better and show love to the people around me but it must never actually reach my heart because I tend to find myself back at what I would consider to be square one . . . the first day of the rest of my life . . . again.  I am weary of these false starts and scared of not finishing the race.  So, I need to re-evaluate my strategy. 

Yeah, I was a mess.  When I finally got my feet on the ground (literally), I decided to come up with a game plan.  I heard someone once say that goals without a plan are just dreams.  I needed to get me some plans made.  My plans went like this; pray first and always, allow humanity to break my heart and consciously climb down the ladder of what the world would call success to practice being the least.  Hopefully, I will then find myself in a genuine place of change. A couple of things I know; God will do the changing in me, I just need to surrender these areas to Him.  I know I can do NOTHING with out Him and boy do I know that first hand.

Here’s the deal, I will not move unless God prompts me to.  I will pray and wait on Him for all things.  I will keep my eyes on Him throughout my day and keep up with His Word daily to hear from Him.  I will also continue to read the many Christian books that come my way because I get a lot of encouragement, guidance and perspective from them.  I am turning into a learner again and as I learn new things I am realizing that I need to unlearn just as much.

My spirit word for the year 2014 is SEEK.  Therefore, desperatelyseekingsally.com is born appropriately on my flesh birthday but hopefully born of a spiritual nature.  I guess as of today I would say that I am a woman seeking God amidst a hectic life as a wife, stay-at-home mom, homemaker, friend and fellow sinner.  A woman who acutely feels the pressures of the world but who also has an overwhelming desire to dump the world and serve only Jesus. I’m a woman who struggles with duplicity, who must get up every morning with fresh hope and a fresh start or just plain give up.  But for me, giving up is not an option.  I am “all in” with no back up plan.  All my eggs are in the Jesus basket and I am very comfortable with that, even though there is a lot of learning and unlearning that needs to be done.

This is my journey and my struggle, my joy and my pain.  I hope to be as transparent as possible so please remember that I don’t have all the answers either and that I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.  God is definitely not finished with me but instead He is working me over using mundane, ordinary circumstances, normal children, difficult people and an average marriage.  Does this sound like you too?  Then join me and let’s do this thing together.