Category: Love

Battle, Cancer, Character, Christianity, Courage, Friendship, Love

Choose Life

Sally

I need to be vulnerable with you now by giving a realistic snapshot of where I was at in my life when I got the breast cancer diagnosis. I am a stay-at-home mom who’s kids are middle school age and attend school full time (tough job some might say). I’ve been happily married for fourteen years to a wonderful, kind, and generous man. When I say happily I really mean it, we don’t fight much, we are solid and I believe our relationship is one of the happiest I know. I am provided for and I want for nothing. There is no stress in my life, no big conflicts, no quantifiable unhappiness to dwell on. Basically, I’m living the dream. But, deep down that old Peggy Lee tune would creep into my subconscious; “Is that all there is? Is that all there is? If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing, let’s break out the booze and have a ball, If that’s all, there is.” And I really was breaking out the booze, a lot of it, because I was meant for something more, something bigger than myself, something with eternal satisfaction and reward and I couldn’t find it. The booze could give the illusion I was living a big life but it always left me feeling empty and small the next morning. I was giving up on my boys (and my husband). My thinking has been, if my husband doesn’t believe in God then all my efforts to lead the boys spiritually is really for nothing. They look to John for the example and the values that they are going to model their lives after and if he repeatedly shows them that God is not important to him, then statistics show God is not going to be important to them either. I was giving up territory and spiritual authority in my home and it was starting to show. I was depressed and not really living, I was weary, pushed down and pressed out. My biggest source of frustration comes from the television. I believe that television is an instrument of the devil to break up families, to mind control the narrative in politics and belief systems, a means to lure people into a passivity that focus’ only on the next game, the next play off, the next season, the next “whatever” while people forget to get outside and actually live the next game, do the next thing for themselves rather than plugging in and watching others do it. We were in a family rut and I could not see any way out of it. Then cancer enters stage right and suddenly life really IS short. It was a bucket of cold water in the face of zombie-like habits. Was I going to fight or was I going to be done. It’s tempting to be done. I joked with my husband, “Hey, it’s been great, but bye now.” Because I’ve been terrified to see my boys grow up to renounce their faith, or not engage in it. I’ve been terrified that they would dive off the safe path straight into harms way because I had failed them as a mother. I was tempted to skip the end of the movie and go straight to heaven where life’s pain wouldn’t be a reality I would have to deal with anymore. This is the emotional space I was in when I first faced cancer.

No, cancer is not a death sentence, I realize that. But it’s also not wine, roses and endless sunsets. It’s a health crisis and it requires serious attention. It can have deadly consequences and it is a wake up call. As I tell John and the boys the diagnosis, I can see it shift something in our home. I can see it begin to reprioritize the important things above the unimportant. It nags at us all the time, asking us if this is really how we want to spend our time or is there a better option to be had. It often asks, “Do you choose life today and what does that look like.”

Anne Graham Lotz addresses this in a blog titled  What Cancer Can Do. She writes,
“Cancer can . . . Enrich love
Cancer can . . . Refocus hope
Cancer can . . . Strengthen faith
Cancer can . . . Deepen prayer
Cancer can . . . Command peace
Cancer can . . . Bolster confidence
Cancer can . . . Increase endurance
Cancer can . . . Multiply friendships
Cancer can . . . Enhance memories
Cancer can . . . Open doors
Cancer can . . . Realign priorities
Cancer can . . . Grow courage
Cancer can . . . Create empathy
Cancer can . . . Tenderize compassion
Cancer can . . . Develop character
Cancer can be a blessing in disguise.
Cancer can be the preliminary to bearing much eternal fruit.
Cancer can be a display case for God’s glory.”

Anne is so right! This Fearless Journey Into The Unknown is exactly what I’ve been looking for, a way forward out of the fog by heading straight into it. A significant path riddled with hard choices emerged that has the potential to bring refinement and purpose where there was stagnation and despair. This diagnosis has the potential to bring change to my whole family, not just me. It could touch anyone and everyone who knows me or comes in contact with me. A cancer journey has the right amount of “moanies” already built in. If I let God take control and lean into the pain and uncertainty those “moanies” have the capability to come together and make a most beautiful testimony.

The blessings abound just like Anne described.

Enriched love, you have no idea. My husband has been caring for me in a way I didn’t even know was part of his DNA. He can’t bear seeing me in pain and when the pain is too much and all I can do is let the tears flow he so tenderly strokes my skin and just holds me. I’ve never been in such a vulnerable place before, and he has never needed to care for me before. How were we ever going to know just how deep and selfless our love is if we hadn’t had the blessing of it being threatened to be cut off prematurely or without trial?

Refocused hope is back in my home. I have hope and renewed strength to take back my spiritual authority. I am still the sanctified wife and I have the hope to continue to walk under that pressure. I have so much new vision for revival right in my own backyard. As the Bible says.

Proverbs 13:12 NLT. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.”

I am ready to see my dreams fulfilled!

Strengthened faith is exactly what has emerged because God has been showing up big by personally showing me He cares, He loves, He heals. There is nothing like a personal encounter with the Lord Himself. I invited Him in to shed light on these dark times and He gladly comes in and does what only He can do.

Deepened prayer has naturally occurred because my prayer life has suddenly became way more focused. I now know what I need to be fighting for, asking for and giving thanks for. It’s become so clear what I need to work on, repent of and be delivered from. I desire to be a part of the billion soul revival, I still want to do the spiritual warfare necessary to establish His Kingdom here on earth. I draw so much comfort from my prayer life because it has deepened my relationship with Him. There are long, sleepless nights and I find peace by talking to God the whole night through. I just lay my head on His chest and let Him keep me until morning.

Commanded peace comes from releasing all that I can not control into the hands of Him who can. I can control very little that these cancer treatments throw my way but I can trust that He is shielding me and lifting me up. As I submit my fears, my pain, my uncertainty to Him I find peace that exceeds anything I can understand (Philippians 4:7 NLT). If I know that even death has no sting because of my belief in Jesus, I have nothing to be concerned about (1 Corinthians 15:55 NLT).

Bolstered confidence has come out of the hair loss. I was losing so much hair and my scalp has been so sensitive that I ended up having my sister shave it all off. Going out in public actually looking “sick” has been something I want to shy away from but hey, I’m still here and this is temporary so I’m just doing it. My girlfriend always says, “We’re doing it live!” and she is so right. I worry about my husband being turned off by me. Let’s face it, I look like a molting turkey. But, he only leans in to kiss me with more compassion than ever because he sees the toll this treatment is taking on my body when I was so apparently healthy to start. It builds my confidence in his love.

Increased endurance is a no-brainer. At the half way mark, I’ll be honest, I have zero interest in pursuing anymore of these treatments. I had an allergic reaction to one of the chemo drugs that caused me to struggle breathing, flush out and feel like I was about to float out of the room. The Benadryl they quickly gave me added the shakes and some nausea to boot. There are dangerous complications that can occur but again who knows if and what those might be for your particular situation. All you can do is just do the next thing and deal with whatever may come your way. I am doing the marathon not the mile. The week long recovery can only be accomplished one day at a time, one hour at time. It’s pointless to worry about what tomorrow might bring.

Matthew 6:34 NLT “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

Multiplied friendships has been the best part of this. I have been lacking in the friendship department. I have my tight group of devoted, long-standing friendships but I do not have a large collection of fun girlfriends that you can have a girl’s night out with or hit the streets of Vegas with. I long for that jovial, witty laughter and freedom that only certain girlfriend groups can offer. I think after a certain age you just settle into a family routine and you forget who you were as an independent woman. When you are in a health crisis and you need help and support, that help and support seems to appear out of the most unpredictable people. The people who have shown up at this time really have proven to me that those fun times and friendships are waiting to be cultivated if I will just pay attention and say, “yes”.

Enhanced memories, most definitely. I go to endless baseball games for my son and I’m thankful to be there when before I found it a drudgery. We take a walk as a family and it suddenly feels special. I get to drive my son to and from school, I realize now that I’ve been missing that “chore”. It’s all a matter of perspective. These things feel like a privilege now, not something to be taken for granted.

Cancer has opened up doors and avenues and groups of people to me that I would never otherwise had access to. I’ve suddenly found a new platform to express myself and new territory to explore. There is new wisdom and understanding to be gleaned from a whole group of women that have gone through cancer before me. There are places I’ve never been that I’m suddenly frequenting and because of that I’m being introduced to new faces. All of these new exposures have the potential to open doors to endless possibilities.

Realigned priorities is a must. I can’t leave the house for so many weeks at a time that when I finally can I make sure it’s for the best reasons. I’m a compulsive house cleaner, now I don’t have the energy to waste on some of that stuff. I’d rather go have lunch with a friend. Working out has always been a priority but I’ve found myself doing yard work on that hot day instead. I could spend my days in bed watching endless shows and movies but instead I’ve found it a joy to work on this blog. Time is a commodity and I’m more motivated than ever to spend it wisely.

Courage is being grown and stretched and demanded with each visit to the cancer clinic. Being pumped full of drugs is not an ideal thing to have to endure no matter what the desired outcome is. Wearing the DigniCap is uncomfortable at best and having an adverse reaction to something is always a possibility. The after effects can be a moving target, what you felt one week isn’t necessarily going to be the norm for the next. You have to have courage to keep going back. You have to have courage to shave your head. You have to have courage to share your story. With each new stretch of yourself you find that you are way more capable than you might have thought possible. There is a fighting warrior inside of you and with each new brave step, she emerges.

I thought that I was an empathetic person but I realize now that I didn’t have a clue. If you haven’t been through something yourself, trust me, you don’t know what that person is going through. Even my wildest imagination did not prepare me for this cancer journey. I feel ashamed for all the dumb stuff I’ve probably said over the years to people going through stuff. No one has offended me or said anything to me that was wrong, I just now know what I didn’t know before. I have been brought to a place of deep humility in all of this. My empathy has been deepened because of this first hand knowledge.

Tenderized compassion goes hand in hand with the empathy. I never knew just how difficult these different treatments can be and how it affects the whole family and friend nucleus. You are surrounded by people going through tough times. It might not be cancer specifically but whatever it might be can be devastating that stranger’s life and all they hold dear. There is an unknown lurking behind every person you meet, an unknown stress perhaps, a loss, or a trouble. Why is the cashier being super short and unprofessional? Why is your kid’s teacher missing a ton of school days? Why is your neighbor reluctant to say hi at the mailbox? It’s not always about us. We need compassion for the unseen pain in people’s lives. I need a free pass sometimes and I’ve been much more willing to give out free passes because I have learned that everyone is struggling with something and just because I’m not privy to the exact nature of the struggle doesn’t mean I shouldn’t extend the curtesy of compassion anyway.

All of these lessons come out of the fire of refinement and so does the development of character. The lessons can be painfully learned or easily applied. They can be had begrudgingly or welcomed with open arms. Either way, they will be learned. And if you miss the lesson now, believe me, it will keep presenting itself in different ways until you get it. I’d rather try to be a good student but even so I’ve had to see things from many different angles before I could say I’ve learned that specific lesson. We can get so wrapped up in our own stuff that we fail to see those suffering around us. Jesus wants us to love people the way He does and it starts with seeing the need so that we can fill it, come along side it, or point it back to Him.

It’s so weird to say this but cancer can heal. I’m living proof of that. I am revived. I am willing. I am excited. I choose life!

Books, Character, Christianity, Finances, Friendship, Love, Marriage, Money, Personal, Prayer, Quotes, Uncategorized

Marriage Initiative Take 1

Sally

I was anxious to start this new year, as I am every year, because the idea of a fresh start is so irresistible. I’ve already decided that the focus for positive change this year will be my marriage. I lost a significant friendship a year and a half ago and had some other friendships diminish into the outer layers of life focus and intention and with that I’ve felt a substantial loss and a desire to realign my connectivity to the world and my place in it closer to home and truer to my core values. Is it possible that I could foster a deeper relationship with my husband? A relationship where he could be my best friend and me his? 

I’ve had those “bitch” sessions with many of my friends and family about what our spouses will or won’t do, how they treat us or don’t, if they “get” us or not, and I’ve always dolled out the sage advice, “You can only change you so focus on that”. According to many of the marriage books I’ve read, and even the bible, effecting big positive change in a relationship can come about by making small positive changes in ourselves (accompanied by intensive prayer of course). That seems all nice and cozy attainable in theory but it can also cause some serious counter-cultural panic attacks because let’s face it, we live in a world of “me” philosophy. We are conditioned to think “what about me?” thoughts and to live very selfishly because if WE don’t work hard to look out for OUR own interests – no one will, or so we believe.

I’ll go first. I will take one for the team ladies and gents. I will lay down my pursuit of things that serve me in the effort to find something that will hopefully be life changing for my marriage. I wanted to call this effort the Marriage Experiment but realized that the acronym was then going to be ME and we can’t have that! We are supposed to be laying ME down in all of this so I’m now calling it the Marriage Initiative (which is still “me” in Spanish but we won’t go there). I want to see firsthand what kind of changes I can effect in my relationship with my husband by making changes to myself in my approaches, my words, and my actions. If the changes I see are worthy and sustainable then my hope is to inspire you to look at making similar changes in your relationships so that we all can experience that depth of intimacy we crave and were wired for.

A famous quote by Albert Einstien, “Insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” pretty much sums up a lot of our marriages don’t you think? Many of us think if I just get angrier, if I give less and less, if I stay more silent, if I withhold things – then he will finally notice me and take care of my needs for once. We all keep falling back on these patterns and it’s insanity! If anything, I think it propels us closer to divorce thoughts, fears and realities. I don’t want to go there! I’m only eleven years in with my marriage and I need to make it a good forty or so more. Yes it’s work, get over it. And it’s vulnerability at its finest but let’s face it, nothing worthwhile in this life comes easy and effortless. Luckily, I’ve already read Brene’ Brown so I’m feeling fairly equipped for those terrifying moments of being transparent, vulnerable, wholehearted and seen (I realize there will be many of those moments along the way).

To get the conversation started, the first thing I did was sit down with my husband and ask him to take an intimacy test/questionnaire with me. I won’t lie, it took prayer and lots of prodding to get my husband to participate. But, I told him that I wanted to work on some things and I pointed out how he would directly benefit from this exercise if only he would answer a few questions. 40 Forms of Intimacy: Integrating Daily Connection Into Your Couple Relationship written by Alexander Avila, was a very helpful guide in establishing a starting point. Avila helps you take a close look at what your personal connections with your partner are and he identifies forty different types of connections we can sustain in a marriage. John (my husband) and I took the “Personal Intimacy Inventory” spelled out in the book. At each type of intimacy (and no, we are not talking all things sexual – there are many other types) you ask each other did we have this at one time, do we have it now, or do we want it or want to maintain it for the future of our marriage. Some things are more important to me and some more important to him and this helped give us insight into what we both would consider enriching to our relationship.

One of the top ones John pointed out that he would like me to work on is (and if you’ve read any of my previous blogs this won’t come as a shock) Financial Intimacy. It is defined by Avila as “experiencing a sense of closeness while earning, saving, spending, giving and investing together”.  Yikes. I feel like closeness is a two-way street. I might be more willing to save if I knew what we were saving for, if I felt like I was part of a team working toward a common and exciting goal. Investing is something my husband does in a private and undisclosed way, can I be made privy of all that and be part of those decisions? I sense that when he says he wants financial intimacy he really means he just wants me to not spend money and not ask money questions. This typically would be an impasse for us but maybe, just maybe, it is an opportunity for me to make small changes that would hopefully effect the bigger picture and draw us to real intimacy in that area of our relationship. But what to do?

Here is my game plan. First, I have to be willing to show up and be vulnerable in the conversation. Money talks bring up a lot of old Daddy issues for me and typically set off triggers that compute into intense feelings of shame. If we are going to get intimate on this subject I’m going to have to be able to stay in the room regardless of my feelings of discomfort. I will remind him that I have difficulty with this subject matter and ask him to be mindful of my fight or flight instinct. Next, I need to make the first move toward meeting his financial needs by intentionally not spending excess money. If I can show him my diligence in this maybe he will be able to take me seriously on other money subjects, like making a plan for our kids college future, trusts, or financial investment strategies. Finally, I will be praying for God’s help in this.I will ask Him for wisdom, self-control, and a softness between my husband and I so that we can move forward in financial unity. It’s an experiment remember, so give me some time to implement my plan and I’ll check in with progress (good and bad) as I stay committed to the process. Help me Jesus!

Books, Christianity, Holy Spirit, Love, Quotes

Happy Anniversary Lord

Sally

Today is the twelve year anniversary of my baptism. I am pleased to report that my seeking God has resulted in absolutely finding Him. There is so much more to know about Him and so much more to be refined in my walk with Him but He has been meeting me right where I’m at, just as promised.

Deuteronomy 4:29 (NIV) “But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with all your heart and with all your soul.”

The whole point of this blog has been to diary, document, and open dialogue about the difficulty of seeking God through the troubles, stresses and weaknesses that this human existence brings about. And yet, about six months ago, I experienced what I would consider to be a crisis of faith and my journey became so personally painful that I have been unable to share.

Then my mentor and spiritual mother in Christ recently asked me what I have learned so far, just in January of this New Year, that I could reflect on. I have been thinking about this and have realized that I have learned so much in just a few short weeks that my blog should be bursting.

So, not in any particular order here it is . . .

  1. Reasoning can be a sin and it is not normal for your mind to be in a constant state of reasoning.

I have turned a past conflict around and around in my mind trying to understand the “why” in it all and have only come up with lots of reasoning based on human understanding and this has been the cause of much confusion.

As Joyce Meyer points out in her book The Battlefield of the Mind, “Reasoning is dangerous for many reasons, but one of them is this: we can reason and figure something out that seems to make sense to us. But what we have reasoned to be correct may still be incorrect.” And also she says, “I want to experience the peace of mind and heart that comes from trusting in God, not in my own human insight and understanding.”

Me too!

  1. I have been increasingly convicted about the words I speak. I was told by the Lord in a big way, “Be silent!” about a situation and believe me I am trying to be obedient.

Proverbs 18:20, 21 (NIV) “From the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

I am convicted the Bible is telling me that I must be satisfied with the consequences my words have brought. But, as I sit in those consequences now, I can render it a reminder to try to only speak life going forward because those words should be sweeter to swallow.

  1. Wisdom is the knowing of what to do with knowledge.

I believe that I have been given a gift of discernment and insight, intuition perhaps. And it is a tool (along with empathy and my own human struggle) that I have often used in my relationships as I try to understand and meet people where they are at in life. But it can be a double-edged sword as well, a sword that could easily be turned back on my own breast.

The world’s definition of discernment is having the ability to judge well; insight means having the capacity to gain an accurate and deep understanding of someone or something; and intuition means the ability to understand something instinctively, without the need for conscious reasoning. You employ any of these “gifts” outside of God’s Word, apart from humility and without total reliance on His Holy Spirit and you can very well have a disaster on your hands. Yes, lots of times this understanding has helped me guide people back to God and true healing but I need not take that responsibility solely on my own shoulders but let the full burden be God’s.

To keep myself safe from trouble I must be residing 100% in the Vine. I must be completely in a place of humility and it absolutely can not be coming from a seat of judgment (as the world sees judgment) but merely from observation. Even so, maybe God will have me remain silent. Boundaries need to be in place, love in full action, and gentleness of Spirit evident. Prayer should be first and foremost. Communication with God before any other communication will commence.

  1. Love is an action not a verb.

I know that loving other humans is a command from God and a requirement for a holy existence, but I kept looking for the love feeling to produce the action. Now I know that it is the action regardless of the feeling that is where real love resides. Yes, to some this concept seems elementary but for me it was revolutionary. A lesson that has been hard learned but one I hope to never unlearn. I am now free to love lots of people in my life who have been very unlovely to me. And low and behold, my love has been reaping rewards of returned affection. This hasn’t been the rule but it is greatly welcomed and a true testament to the power of God’s Word and how His economy works. Much more on my love walk later.

  1. “Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on which of our needs are not getting met.” taken from the book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg and Arun Gandhi

This has been a very life changing concept. If I am angry at my husband and I stop to ask myself if there is an unmet need at the root of my anger I can always find it. Same thing is true concerning annoyances with my children and my friends. If I am able to acknowledge the need that is the source I am able to understand the anger for what it really is and therefore I am able to address it head on as something I have need of instead of as something they are or are not doing. Then the responsibility is on me to communicate this need in an appropriate way and in so doing I might be able to get my needs met in the future which is much more proactive and less alienating then just getting angry about it.

This is helpful also when trying to understand why someone is angry with me. And a very standard need most people ultimately have is to be seen and heard.

As Marshall Rosenberg states, “Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain.”

I can be a better lover of people just by taking the time to hear their pain in spite of their words and actions against me. I don’t have to take everything personal.

  1. Pruning is painful but so NECESSARY!

If anything or anyone (other than God Himself) is a prop in your life, God will kick it out from under you. I long to produce spiritual fruit and just like a tree that needs to be pruned for better growth and fruit bearing capabilities – we also need pruning. I like how after the dead stuff is cut away you are left with a clearer vision of your life and where it needs to be headed. I love how in the midst of the storm you cling to God all the more fiercely and He is so comforting through it. I love how when things seem to be impossible, that is when He is going to do His most evident work. I love how He works all things for our good. And I love how His love prompts His discipline. God is doing a work in me and like gold I need not be afraid of the fire because through it the impurities will be removed.

I have been through a lot recently but it is all but a mere flea bite compared to what our brothers and sisters in Christ across the world are suffering due to terrible persecution and oppression of faith. I must always remember to keep my problems in perspective! I am blessed and I need to be a blessing to those around me.

Whew, if this is what a few short weeks have brought I need to hold on to my hat for the rest of the year. It will prove to be a big one I think!

Books, Character, Christianity, Hunger, Love, Martyrdom, Missions, Money, Personal, Quotes

Dying to Self for the Betterment of Our World

Sally

I have found no better cure for a bad case of the “me’s” then by submerging myself in worldly problems. Suburbia in America is one of the easiest places to hide from the world’s ugly side; the poverty, the injustice, the persecution, the wars and death of every kind. Well, I pulled out some periodicals and documentaries to help me put things in perspective. A magazine that I find very helpful in keeping my mind and heart in tune with true suffering in the world is The Voice of the Martyrs. There are modern day martyrs being tortured, imprisoned, driven into exile and of course killed every day just because they have the audacity to believe in Jesus. This has happened to someone, somewhere today. Did you know that? In America we can worship Satan, our coffee, our money or a rock and no one looks at us twice. Maybe we have forgotten that it is a privilege to have religious freedom and that most humans in the world do not have that privilege. The Voice of the Martyrs does an excellent job of keeping the plights of our fellow human beings in the light. They tell the modern day stories of heroism and martyrdom to anyone who is willing to listen and they offer ways for us to get involved and help. Did you know that there are Christians who mark their ability to trust other Christians by how many times they have been imprisoned for their faith? We need to open our eyes! I encourage you to check it out and add these people to your prayer list. We might not be able to solve all of these political, social or religious problems facing our world today but we know Someone who can and we should ask Him to protect and strengthen His people who are suffering in this way.

Next, I watched a documentary. I have watched many over the years because documentaries are one way to get educated about some of our bigger world issues without a lot of the Hollywood gloss or media bent. This documentary came about because I attended a mandatory training session at my local food bank for the purpose of volunteering there in the future. A Place at the Table was recommended by the food bank administrator as a means to break down the misconceptions about hunger in America. Of course I watched it right away. Here are some disturbing things I found out: Did you know that 50 million people are going hungry in a nation that has more than enough food? Did you know that we willingly spend more on a grande latte at Starbucks then we do for America’s children to eat a healthy lunch provided by our schools? Did you know that obesity is a sister problem driven by poverty because it’s cheaper to buy crappy foods then healthy foods? Working people (not just unemployed people) can not afford to feed their families because their wages are too low for sustainability. New terminologies were introduced to me through this documentary; food insecurity and food deserts. Food insecurity describes millions of people who truly do not know when or where their next meal is going to come from, day in and day out. These people could be your neighbors or your children’s friends. It’s a quiet suffering for most people. Food deserts are places (both rural and urban) where fresh fruits and vegetables are not delivered. I was shocked! Corner store, mom and pop shops, only sell processed and pre-packaged goods. Because of proximity or lack of transportation, long bus rides or gas money, it is difficult for many people to get to a fully stocked grocery store. Now what about me again?

Are you one who feels sad but mostly relieved that this isn’t happening to you? Or is it happening to you? Or, are you like me, who knows that one lost job and this could be my story. Either way, it is uncomfortable to think about. Also, it feels so hopeless. What can I do? Anything I do is a tiny drop in a giant ocean. I loved Ashley Judd’s memoir called All That is Bitter and Sweet. It is so much more than an account of her life. She is very involved in working with organizations and charities to help with heavy world issues. She has seen some horrific human suffering and she has put to words many things that I have felt even though I have not seen nor experienced even an eighth of what she has. She wrote,

“I began hearing a critical voice in my head: I am not doing enough, I need to do more, I have to do more . . . It was mental panic. Shortly, though, my recovery rose up to meet this insanity and call it what it was: selfishness and self-centeredness. I was able to hear all the “I, I, I, I, I” that my ego was shouting, and all the other words receded. To the untrained ear, it might have sounded like compassion and goodwill, to me, it was all about what “I” needed to do, which is “edging God out” (ego) in an attempt to stifle my powerful emotional responses to the things I had seen. I was able to remind myself that all that is asked of me is that I increase my conscious contact with the God of my understanding, ask for knowledge of Her will for me and the strength to carry that out . . . I am cleaning house, trusting God, doing what is in front of me. That is good, and that is enough. I am enough.”

Yes, all this “I, I, I” business, I am so tired of me. If I can be obedient, trust God and do the work that I see in front of me, then for now, that should be enough. But here is another issue, judging the people who have the problem. Dr. J. Larry Brown, author of Living Hungry in America, said in the same documentary,

“We sort of have this love/hate relationship with poverty and the poor. On the one hand, you know, we have a wonderful history of helping others and a lot of good rhetoric. Bring us your struggling masses yearning to be free, this is the land of opportunity and we care about one another. And we do, in many ways. But our care is always predicated on the fact that we’re worried that somebody else is getting something for free or something they don’t deserve.”

As I walked out of my food bank training, I saw a family of women (four generations) hop out of an expensive SUV with their cell phones to their ears. They walked to get front spots in line for when the food bank opened. Did I take mental pause? I admit that I did. Was I worried that somebody was getting something for free that maybe they didn’t deserve? Yes, and immediately that made me part of the problem. God says judge not that you be not judged (Matthew 7:1,2). In What Difference Do it Make, written by Ron Hall, Denver Moore, and Lynn Vincent, Ron reminds me,

“We are judged by our compassion, how we live our lives, not by how Joe ultimately lives his. God commands us to love, not to calculate the end game. It is only when Joe is loved without strings that he is set free to (eventually) turn a corner and voluntarily become accountable to those who have placed faith in him.”

There is that word again, love. I need to work on that. I need to love in ways that require absolutely nothing in return. Denver Moore, once a homeless man himself, writes,

“. . . even if you bless some needy person just a little bit, God might use other folks down the line to weave your little gift into a bigger blessin. And if you bless folks, you gon’ get the blessin back, no matter what they does with the money. So you give the gift with no strings attached, and let God take care a’ business on the other end.”

I need to let God take care of His business and mind my own. When I get to heaven and I have to be accountable to God for the way I lived my life, I don’t think He is going to say, “Sally, why did you give food and time and money to your local food bank? Didn’t you realize that there were people lined up there taking advantage of the system?” No, I can’t imagine Him saying that. But I can hear Him saying to me, “Sally, you really blew it. Your pride and circumstance clouded your judgment and you sinned against Me and My people in need because you thought you knew something that wasn’t your business to know. You didn’t follow Jesus’ example, Sally, you didn’t love first.” Here is my first important lesson toward loving people better; leave my thoughts and feelings, my criticisms and hurts, my judgments and ideas out of it. Love unconditionally and out of love do the work.

Books, Christianity, Church, Friendship, Holy Spirit, Love, Quotes

A Question of Love

Sally

Our family has recently been greatly blessed. And leading up to the finalization of this great blessing in our lives, I have been praying for God’s intervention. I have been asking for God to completely shut all the open doors if this would be a worldly snare rather than the good opportunity that it presents itself to be. And no doors were shut. I want to tell you how grateful I am, truly I am, for this blessing but I also want to have a moment of honesty and tell you that I am fearful. I really would have felt more “loved” by God had He shut this thing down. ‘No’ from a parent (for me) feels more like an acceptable and familiar act of love. I wonder, what does that tells you.

What it tells me is that I still have trouble trusting my Lord and that I am still greatly lacking in faith. It also tells me that I am unable to conceive a God who lavishly loves me and blesses me regardless of where I am in my spiritual walk. These feelings of unworthiness cut deep because they were laid as a central foundation to my faith back when my first ideas of God were being formed at the age of three. My religious background has me familiar with a disapproving God whom requires much before much is given and whose love is highly conditional. You could say that I was sold a “bad” Jesus but in reality Jesus was not even focused on in the church of my youth. Grace was unfamiliar territory but truth was heavily handed out bringing with it little hope of ever really pleasing God. The shocking truth about my religious journey is that I was not “saved” until I left that path and diverted to a church that could fully explain what Jesus’ death and resurrection really meant for me. I could have gone on for the rest of my life as things were and missed my salvation. That is scary. Being religious does not equal being saved and I am so thankful to an old dear friend of mine for having the courage to tell me so about fifteen years ago. I am not bitter or sorry that this was my upbringing. I have found it to be a huge blessing. Without this perspective I would not have been overly starved for grace and therefore I might not have found Jesus to be as necessary to anchor my life to as I currently do. And without having drudged through such thick and stifling religiosity I might not have the biblical savvy that I enjoy today. God uses all things for good. Regardless, I am still struggling to reconcile the Old Testament Father God persona that I knew so well for twenty plus years with a Father God who is the embodiment of love.

If I cannot accept God’s perfect love for me – if I cannot wrap my mind around it, embrace it and fully receive it then I don’t believe that I can truly love others in the way that He commands us to do. And without fully functioning in love, all is for nothing (1 Corinthians 13:3).

1 John 4:7-21 (NIV),

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.

We know that we live in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent His Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in god. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the Day of Judgment, because in this world we are like Him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do the punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because He first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.”

If I really dissect this bible passage I could start hyperventilating. I mean, just take the very first part “whoever does not love, does not know God” and I am hung. Do you think I am being too hard on myself? I don’t. It is easy to love, by the world’s standard. Our English language allows the definition of love to be as simple as this; having a strong affection or liking for someone or something. I can love a French fry by the world’s standard but God’s definition is a lot more concrete. We are familiar with 1 Corinthians 13:4, the love passage read at most weddings, but have you really digested this passage. Here is where we find a thorough definition of love that should blow your mind. Here it says that love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, love is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs, love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. God’s definition of love is that it never fails. Pass the paper bag please!

My boys are at the very top of my love list. I am a mom and I love my kids but . . . I am not patient with them, I am not always kind, I have rules for them that are self-seeking, I am very easily angered and I do remember all the wrongs they have done in the past week or so. My love for them has definitely failed them at times. These are the potholes in my imperfect love for my most loved people in this world. Now, take that and let’s go love everyone else. There is one perspective that I had never considered before that recently was presented to me. If God is love, then He is also all of those things from 1 Corinthians 13:4. Is it possible for me to take all of this in, all that God is, in all the ways that He loves me and from there be so overflowing with His love that I can love others in return; even the difficult people, the stranger, the jerk, the selfish, the crazy?

I know that love is a fruit of the Holy Spirit and that the fruits of the Holy Spirit are a gift from God Himself to help us in this life to do as He has asked us to do, including to love others. I know that He never asks us to do something that He won’t equip us or help us to do. So, I need to step out on faith and just start loving people.

To make this step of love in faith I need to stop hiding. Everyone hides. We hide from each other, we hide our truths, and we hide from God. I have hid this blog from certain people; I have hid my truths from close friends so not to hurt them. I have hid my true identity from people I know because I believe they won’t understand or possibly reject me. All of this hiding has caused me to feel discouraged, forgotten and invisible. But, I’m not invisible. God sees me and He sees you too. I need to know this in my very core. He keeps track of every single hair on my head. He has a plan for me and for my life. He made me and He delights in me. My mentor recently gave me a book to read called The God Who Sees You by Tammy Maltby. I intend to do a study with this book to help me realize God’s love for me once and for all. I want to lay aside all of my old habits of self-condemnation and to allow His love to be actualized in my heart. I want to be filled up with love to overflowing.

One of our pastors at Flatirons Community Church, Scott Nickell, did a visual demonstration a couple of weeks ago that really helped me understand the cycle I have been stuck in. He filled up a glass of water to about 60% full and called that our “spiritual works” and then he used a pitcher of water to fill the glass to 100% full and he called that God’s grace. He showed how we can be short of water depending on our perceived good works, and how we allow God’s grace to top us off at times. But what we don’t understand is that regardless of any good works or spirituality on our part, God’s grace is always sufficient! It is overflowing out over the top of that glass no matter how empty we have it or how full of our own self-righteousness we think it is. That is also a great descriptor for His love for us, overflowing.

Come on, let’s get our love on.