Category: Friendship

Friendship topics

Battle, Cancer, Character, Christianity, Courage, Friendship, Love

Choose Life

Sally

I need to be vulnerable with you now by giving a realistic snapshot of where I was at in my life when I got the breast cancer diagnosis. I am a stay-at-home mom who’s kids are middle school age and attend school full time (tough job some might say). I’ve been happily married for fourteen years to a wonderful, kind, and generous man. When I say happily I really mean it, we don’t fight much, we are solid and I believe our relationship is one of the happiest I know. I am provided for and I want for nothing. There is no stress in my life, no big conflicts, no quantifiable unhappiness to dwell on. Basically, I’m living the dream. But, deep down that old Peggy Lee tune would creep into my subconscious; “Is that all there is? Is that all there is? If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing, let’s break out the booze and have a ball, If that’s all, there is.” And I really was breaking out the booze, a lot of it, because I was meant for something more, something bigger than myself, something with eternal satisfaction and reward and I couldn’t find it. The booze could give the illusion I was living a big life but it always left me feeling empty and small the next morning. I was giving up on my boys (and my husband). My thinking has been, if my husband doesn’t believe in God then all my efforts to lead the boys spiritually is really for nothing. They look to John for the example and the values that they are going to model their lives after and if he repeatedly shows them that God is not important to him, then statistics show God is not going to be important to them either. I was giving up territory and spiritual authority in my home and it was starting to show. I was depressed and not really living, I was weary, pushed down and pressed out. My biggest source of frustration comes from the television. I believe that television is an instrument of the devil to break up families, to mind control the narrative in politics and belief systems, a means to lure people into a passivity that focus’ only on the next game, the next play off, the next season, the next “whatever” while people forget to get outside and actually live the next game, do the next thing for themselves rather than plugging in and watching others do it. We were in a family rut and I could not see any way out of it. Then cancer enters stage right and suddenly life really IS short. It was a bucket of cold water in the face of zombie-like habits. Was I going to fight or was I going to be done. It’s tempting to be done. I joked with my husband, “Hey, it’s been great, but bye now.” Because I’ve been terrified to see my boys grow up to renounce their faith, or not engage in it. I’ve been terrified that they would dive off the safe path straight into harms way because I had failed them as a mother. I was tempted to skip the end of the movie and go straight to heaven where life’s pain wouldn’t be a reality I would have to deal with anymore. This is the emotional space I was in when I first faced cancer.

No, cancer is not a death sentence, I realize that. But it’s also not wine, roses and endless sunsets. It’s a health crisis and it requires serious attention. It can have deadly consequences and it is a wake up call. As I tell John and the boys the diagnosis, I can see it shift something in our home. I can see it begin to reprioritize the important things above the unimportant. It nags at us all the time, asking us if this is really how we want to spend our time or is there a better option to be had. It often asks, “Do you choose life today and what does that look like.”

Anne Graham Lotz addresses this in a blog titled  What Cancer Can Do. She writes,
“Cancer can . . . Enrich love
Cancer can . . . Refocus hope
Cancer can . . . Strengthen faith
Cancer can . . . Deepen prayer
Cancer can . . . Command peace
Cancer can . . . Bolster confidence
Cancer can . . . Increase endurance
Cancer can . . . Multiply friendships
Cancer can . . . Enhance memories
Cancer can . . . Open doors
Cancer can . . . Realign priorities
Cancer can . . . Grow courage
Cancer can . . . Create empathy
Cancer can . . . Tenderize compassion
Cancer can . . . Develop character
Cancer can be a blessing in disguise.
Cancer can be the preliminary to bearing much eternal fruit.
Cancer can be a display case for God’s glory.”

Anne is so right! This Fearless Journey Into The Unknown is exactly what I’ve been looking for, a way forward out of the fog by heading straight into it. A significant path riddled with hard choices emerged that has the potential to bring refinement and purpose where there was stagnation and despair. This diagnosis has the potential to bring change to my whole family, not just me. It could touch anyone and everyone who knows me or comes in contact with me. A cancer journey has the right amount of “moanies” already built in. If I let God take control and lean into the pain and uncertainty those “moanies” have the capability to come together and make a most beautiful testimony.

The blessings abound just like Anne described.

Enriched love, you have no idea. My husband has been caring for me in a way I didn’t even know was part of his DNA. He can’t bear seeing me in pain and when the pain is too much and all I can do is let the tears flow he so tenderly strokes my skin and just holds me. I’ve never been in such a vulnerable place before, and he has never needed to care for me before. How were we ever going to know just how deep and selfless our love is if we hadn’t had the blessing of it being threatened to be cut off prematurely or without trial?

Refocused hope is back in my home. I have hope and renewed strength to take back my spiritual authority. I am still the sanctified wife and I have the hope to continue to walk under that pressure. I have so much new vision for revival right in my own backyard. As the Bible says.

Proverbs 13:12 NLT. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.”

I am ready to see my dreams fulfilled!

Strengthened faith is exactly what has emerged because God has been showing up big by personally showing me He cares, He loves, He heals. There is nothing like a personal encounter with the Lord Himself. I invited Him in to shed light on these dark times and He gladly comes in and does what only He can do.

Deepened prayer has naturally occurred because my prayer life has suddenly became way more focused. I now know what I need to be fighting for, asking for and giving thanks for. It’s become so clear what I need to work on, repent of and be delivered from. I desire to be a part of the billion soul revival, I still want to do the spiritual warfare necessary to establish His Kingdom here on earth. I draw so much comfort from my prayer life because it has deepened my relationship with Him. There are long, sleepless nights and I find peace by talking to God the whole night through. I just lay my head on His chest and let Him keep me until morning.

Commanded peace comes from releasing all that I can not control into the hands of Him who can. I can control very little that these cancer treatments throw my way but I can trust that He is shielding me and lifting me up. As I submit my fears, my pain, my uncertainty to Him I find peace that exceeds anything I can understand (Philippians 4:7 NLT). If I know that even death has no sting because of my belief in Jesus, I have nothing to be concerned about (1 Corinthians 15:55 NLT).

Bolstered confidence has come out of the hair loss. I was losing so much hair and my scalp has been so sensitive that I ended up having my sister shave it all off. Going out in public actually looking “sick” has been something I want to shy away from but hey, I’m still here and this is temporary so I’m just doing it. My girlfriend always says, “We’re doing it live!” and she is so right. I worry about my husband being turned off by me. Let’s face it, I look like a molting turkey. But, he only leans in to kiss me with more compassion than ever because he sees the toll this treatment is taking on my body when I was so apparently healthy to start. It builds my confidence in his love.

Increased endurance is a no-brainer. At the half way mark, I’ll be honest, I have zero interest in pursuing anymore of these treatments. I had an allergic reaction to one of the chemo drugs that caused me to struggle breathing, flush out and feel like I was about to float out of the room. The Benadryl they quickly gave me added the shakes and some nausea to boot. There are dangerous complications that can occur but again who knows if and what those might be for your particular situation. All you can do is just do the next thing and deal with whatever may come your way. I am doing the marathon not the mile. The week long recovery can only be accomplished one day at a time, one hour at time. It’s pointless to worry about what tomorrow might bring.

Matthew 6:34 NLT “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

Multiplied friendships has been the best part of this. I have been lacking in the friendship department. I have my tight group of devoted, long-standing friendships but I do not have a large collection of fun girlfriends that you can have a girl’s night out with or hit the streets of Vegas with. I long for that jovial, witty laughter and freedom that only certain girlfriend groups can offer. I think after a certain age you just settle into a family routine and you forget who you were as an independent woman. When you are in a health crisis and you need help and support, that help and support seems to appear out of the most unpredictable people. The people who have shown up at this time really have proven to me that those fun times and friendships are waiting to be cultivated if I will just pay attention and say, “yes”.

Enhanced memories, most definitely. I go to endless baseball games for my son and I’m thankful to be there when before I found it a drudgery. We take a walk as a family and it suddenly feels special. I get to drive my son to and from school, I realize now that I’ve been missing that “chore”. It’s all a matter of perspective. These things feel like a privilege now, not something to be taken for granted.

Cancer has opened up doors and avenues and groups of people to me that I would never otherwise had access to. I’ve suddenly found a new platform to express myself and new territory to explore. There is new wisdom and understanding to be gleaned from a whole group of women that have gone through cancer before me. There are places I’ve never been that I’m suddenly frequenting and because of that I’m being introduced to new faces. All of these new exposures have the potential to open doors to endless possibilities.

Realigned priorities is a must. I can’t leave the house for so many weeks at a time that when I finally can I make sure it’s for the best reasons. I’m a compulsive house cleaner, now I don’t have the energy to waste on some of that stuff. I’d rather go have lunch with a friend. Working out has always been a priority but I’ve found myself doing yard work on that hot day instead. I could spend my days in bed watching endless shows and movies but instead I’ve found it a joy to work on this blog. Time is a commodity and I’m more motivated than ever to spend it wisely.

Courage is being grown and stretched and demanded with each visit to the cancer clinic. Being pumped full of drugs is not an ideal thing to have to endure no matter what the desired outcome is. Wearing the DigniCap is uncomfortable at best and having an adverse reaction to something is always a possibility. The after effects can be a moving target, what you felt one week isn’t necessarily going to be the norm for the next. You have to have courage to keep going back. You have to have courage to shave your head. You have to have courage to share your story. With each new stretch of yourself you find that you are way more capable than you might have thought possible. There is a fighting warrior inside of you and with each new brave step, she emerges.

I thought that I was an empathetic person but I realize now that I didn’t have a clue. If you haven’t been through something yourself, trust me, you don’t know what that person is going through. Even my wildest imagination did not prepare me for this cancer journey. I feel ashamed for all the dumb stuff I’ve probably said over the years to people going through stuff. No one has offended me or said anything to me that was wrong, I just now know what I didn’t know before. I have been brought to a place of deep humility in all of this. My empathy has been deepened because of this first hand knowledge.

Tenderized compassion goes hand in hand with the empathy. I never knew just how difficult these different treatments can be and how it affects the whole family and friend nucleus. You are surrounded by people going through tough times. It might not be cancer specifically but whatever it might be can be devastating that stranger’s life and all they hold dear. There is an unknown lurking behind every person you meet, an unknown stress perhaps, a loss, or a trouble. Why is the cashier being super short and unprofessional? Why is your kid’s teacher missing a ton of school days? Why is your neighbor reluctant to say hi at the mailbox? It’s not always about us. We need compassion for the unseen pain in people’s lives. I need a free pass sometimes and I’ve been much more willing to give out free passes because I have learned that everyone is struggling with something and just because I’m not privy to the exact nature of the struggle doesn’t mean I shouldn’t extend the curtesy of compassion anyway.

All of these lessons come out of the fire of refinement and so does the development of character. The lessons can be painfully learned or easily applied. They can be had begrudgingly or welcomed with open arms. Either way, they will be learned. And if you miss the lesson now, believe me, it will keep presenting itself in different ways until you get it. I’d rather try to be a good student but even so I’ve had to see things from many different angles before I could say I’ve learned that specific lesson. We can get so wrapped up in our own stuff that we fail to see those suffering around us. Jesus wants us to love people the way He does and it starts with seeing the need so that we can fill it, come along side it, or point it back to Him.

It’s so weird to say this but cancer can heal. I’m living proof of that. I am revived. I am willing. I am excited. I choose life!

Books, Character, Christianity, Courage, Forgiveness, Friendship, Personal, Struggle

Courageous

Sally

Recently I was invited to a birthday party, a party that I had wanted to be included in from the first I knew of it’s existence. But as the day and time of the party drew near, my anxiety about having to walk into this party increased. As I let out a deep sigh and bolstered myself into the room, I was struck by the dreaded feeling of not belonging. I instantly relived old hurts of not fitting in, not having a place, not being seen and the humility that comes from a deep secret fear that my being there was a mistake. You see, the room was full of wonderful women, smart women, revolutionary women who fight daily against social injustice, inequality, abuse, racism and mediocrity. Several of the women there are great lovers of humanity, or of God, and at the very least great lovers of life. I can’t say that I’m really a great fit for any of these descriptors thus maybe not a great fit as friendly companionship to these woman. The lie is that I’m not an equally valuable contributor to society nor to the room. I’m just simply me, and a wounded me at that. I mostly wanted to hide. In hiding I could possibly stay protected and maybe in control of my lurking suspicion that at 43 years of age I haven’t made any significant contributions or a lick of positive difference on this planet. The ever present question, “What am I doing with my life?”, is especially loud and clear this evening. The weird thing is I’m surrounded by friends and acquaintances. I “know” everyone at this party from some place of kindness and goodwill in my community or another so why do I feel so alone and so very uninvited when quite clearly I was?

God heard my cry. He always does because He is faithful and He comforted me in that special way He does, through books. One of the friends from the evening sent me a text the very next day about a book she was about to purchase. She had no idea I was struggling nor did she have any inkling that this book would be for me. She was just sharing her next book purchase with me, off the cuff. No surprises here, the title was perfectly appropriate to what I was still processing from the night before. The book was Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa TerKeurst. I promptly bought it myself and what an honest read it was as it put balm and ointment on my fears, hurts and insecurities. Lysa, the author, suggested two fears I might have been wrestling with that night, two fears that lurk in the shadows of every social engagement I have had the courage to expose myself to in the last several years. They are 1. The fear of abandonment and 2. The fear of losing one’s identity. I accept the first fear as my own because I was abandoned by someone I had poured twelve years of love and acceptance into. She was a dear friend who rejected me in an instant when we had our first major disagreement. I believe that her pain was too great for her to overcome and therefore it was easier for her to reject and exile me rather than face it and find ways to heal and reconcile. But even with the insight God has been gracious to give me on the situation, I still have my own personal wounds turned fears to overcome. To look out into that room at that party was to see many potential close friendships that might easily about-face in a nano second if they find something in me that they don’t like because it’s happened before. As Lysa (the author) pointed out, “Things of this world all eventually reveal what incapable anchors they really are.” “Things” for me is actually “people”, and “people” is actually “close-friend”, and “close-friend” is actually someone I experienced a “soul-tie” with and that “soul-tie” when ripped apart naturally took part of my soul away with her. Painful. Very.

As for the part about losing one’s identity, I guess I need to remind myself that it’s my identity in Christ that is truth, not an identity that suggests that what happened in that friendship gone wrong translates into my being a bad friend, a bad person, or someone who has nothing good to offer others. Those are feelings that were born out of brokenness, but as Lysa kindly reminds me,

“Feelings are broken boards. Only truth is solid, unchanging, and stable through and through. Old patterns of thought must be torn out, and a new way of looking at the core of who I am using God’s truth has to be put into place. My identity must be anchored to the truth of who God is and who He is to me.”

My decision is made; I will continue to learn and grow and present the best version of myself to the world and trust that God will bring people into my life who are doing the same. In the mean time, I might be lonely and I might feel unseen and I might not be invited but I am not the sum total of those insecurities. Instead, I am loved by God and I am well on my way to aligning myself with my God given purpose and what/where/and who He has mapped out for me. What I was longing for in the party room that night was connectivity. I long to connect with women who are doing life with the Lord on a more enlightened plain than I’m on because I want to be lifted up, challenged and forced to grow beyond where I currently am. I want to see the world through different perspectives than my own, in ways that unravel my predisposed prejudices and replace them with humbling, God revealed realities I hadn’t considered before. I want to be in safe communion with women who are not intimidated by my fumbling and short comings but who can lovingly show me to myself for the purpose of spiritual growth and mutual celebrations of God’s grace through His discipline and admonishment. These women may or may not be those who were in attendance that night but it doesn’t matter because I’m believing in God’s provision. He will deliver the perfect friendships at the perfect time in line with His refinement and purpose for my life. I will not be captivated by the fear that this loneliness is more than temporary and for a season. I am holding out for the goodness and fulness of His provision as He deems fit. My only obligation is to press on and boldly play my unique note to the world.

One thing I can do while I wait is contemplate and act appropriately on the question Lysa asks;

“Do I walk into situations empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless me?”

I don’t want to be that needy person in the room, the one that needs reassurance and validation to be there. I’d much rather be overflowing with God’s love in a way that I can offer it freely to others rather than needing others to fill up a deficit within myself. Let’s face it, very few people can detect the deficit for what it is in others none the less fill it up to satisfaction. Only God fits into those God-sized holes. But what a refreshment it would be to enter into a social situation with confidence that I’m there to be a blessing to someone rather than with the nervousness of an unmet need looking to be filled.

Lysa brings up another very important factor that rejection tries to steal from us, our hesitancy to trust again. Humans break trust all the time, sometimes on purpose. I trusted that I could be honest with my ex-friend and I was wrong, she trusted that I would never speak up on some subjects that bothered me and she was wrong. This lays fertile ground for the idea that it is absolutely not safe to be vulnerable, transparent or trusting of other human beings no matter how long you have known them or how long you have professed to love them and them you. Lysa describes this well,

“Girls who have the lingering whispers of rejection still echoing in the hollows of their soul rarely feel completely held safe. So they look at gaps of the unknown and hesitate at best. Run away at worst. They crave for life to make sense. They cringe when it doesn’t. It’s unfathomable to take a leap into something as uncertain as air and expect to stay intact. What we see will violate what we know unless what we know dictates what we see.”

God has been whispering so much truth to my soul about my lost friendship that I can finally see it through His eyes. It was a pruning from which significant growth on my part was had. It was a humbling so that I can approach future relationships with more love and grace than ever before. It was reprioritizing so that I can have no other before Him (and also not before my own husband). It was a sure way for Him to draw me to Himself because the pain was so acute and so long suffering (several years have already passed and it still seems like my loss was realized yesterday). She never was my enemy and I refuse to think she is now, it is just a reconciliation that is still waiting to happen and I continue to pray and trust in God to orchestrate it. So naturally I’m gun shy at this friendship thing now. I am reluctant to show my heart to people for fear that they will misunderstand me or worse not care. I have trust issues trying to take hold. But God will not fail me, He will cross the room with me at these parties and He will commune with me in the awkward silences or pregnant stares. He will make me able to withstand another lost friendship should it come to that and He will be diligent in teaching me important lessons through it. He allows me to be me in all my imperfections and so I will be courageous and allow myself to be seen, to be vulnerable, to hold my heart open to the next lovely creature who also wants to be seen and to be vulnerable and to hold open her heart as well. I consciously choose to go first and not let fear weigh me down nor steal my future wherever it might lead and to whomever it might lead. I might not be invited next time, but if and when I am I will be looking to be a blessing rather than one who’s allowing fear to choke the atmosphere out of the party. I’m not the life of the party, never have been, but hey, I’m a great listener.

Books, Character, Christianity, Finances, Friendship, Love, Marriage, Money, Personal, Prayer, Quotes, Uncategorized

Marriage Initiative Take 1

Sally

I was anxious to start this new year, as I am every year, because the idea of a fresh start is so irresistible. I’ve already decided that the focus for positive change this year will be my marriage. I lost a significant friendship a year and a half ago and had some other friendships diminish into the outer layers of life focus and intention and with that I’ve felt a substantial loss and a desire to realign my connectivity to the world and my place in it closer to home and truer to my core values. Is it possible that I could foster a deeper relationship with my husband? A relationship where he could be my best friend and me his? 

I’ve had those “bitch” sessions with many of my friends and family about what our spouses will or won’t do, how they treat us or don’t, if they “get” us or not, and I’ve always dolled out the sage advice, “You can only change you so focus on that”. According to many of the marriage books I’ve read, and even the bible, effecting big positive change in a relationship can come about by making small positive changes in ourselves (accompanied by intensive prayer of course). That seems all nice and cozy attainable in theory but it can also cause some serious counter-cultural panic attacks because let’s face it, we live in a world of “me” philosophy. We are conditioned to think “what about me?” thoughts and to live very selfishly because if WE don’t work hard to look out for OUR own interests – no one will, or so we believe.

I’ll go first. I will take one for the team ladies and gents. I will lay down my pursuit of things that serve me in the effort to find something that will hopefully be life changing for my marriage. I wanted to call this effort the Marriage Experiment but realized that the acronym was then going to be ME and we can’t have that! We are supposed to be laying ME down in all of this so I’m now calling it the Marriage Initiative (which is still “me” in Spanish but we won’t go there). I want to see firsthand what kind of changes I can effect in my relationship with my husband by making changes to myself in my approaches, my words, and my actions. If the changes I see are worthy and sustainable then my hope is to inspire you to look at making similar changes in your relationships so that we all can experience that depth of intimacy we crave and were wired for.

A famous quote by Albert Einstien, “Insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” pretty much sums up a lot of our marriages don’t you think? Many of us think if I just get angrier, if I give less and less, if I stay more silent, if I withhold things – then he will finally notice me and take care of my needs for once. We all keep falling back on these patterns and it’s insanity! If anything, I think it propels us closer to divorce thoughts, fears and realities. I don’t want to go there! I’m only eleven years in with my marriage and I need to make it a good forty or so more. Yes it’s work, get over it. And it’s vulnerability at its finest but let’s face it, nothing worthwhile in this life comes easy and effortless. Luckily, I’ve already read Brene’ Brown so I’m feeling fairly equipped for those terrifying moments of being transparent, vulnerable, wholehearted and seen (I realize there will be many of those moments along the way).

To get the conversation started, the first thing I did was sit down with my husband and ask him to take an intimacy test/questionnaire with me. I won’t lie, it took prayer and lots of prodding to get my husband to participate. But, I told him that I wanted to work on some things and I pointed out how he would directly benefit from this exercise if only he would answer a few questions. 40 Forms of Intimacy: Integrating Daily Connection Into Your Couple Relationship written by Alexander Avila, was a very helpful guide in establishing a starting point. Avila helps you take a close look at what your personal connections with your partner are and he identifies forty different types of connections we can sustain in a marriage. John (my husband) and I took the “Personal Intimacy Inventory” spelled out in the book. At each type of intimacy (and no, we are not talking all things sexual – there are many other types) you ask each other did we have this at one time, do we have it now, or do we want it or want to maintain it for the future of our marriage. Some things are more important to me and some more important to him and this helped give us insight into what we both would consider enriching to our relationship.

One of the top ones John pointed out that he would like me to work on is (and if you’ve read any of my previous blogs this won’t come as a shock) Financial Intimacy. It is defined by Avila as “experiencing a sense of closeness while earning, saving, spending, giving and investing together”.  Yikes. I feel like closeness is a two-way street. I might be more willing to save if I knew what we were saving for, if I felt like I was part of a team working toward a common and exciting goal. Investing is something my husband does in a private and undisclosed way, can I be made privy of all that and be part of those decisions? I sense that when he says he wants financial intimacy he really means he just wants me to not spend money and not ask money questions. This typically would be an impasse for us but maybe, just maybe, it is an opportunity for me to make small changes that would hopefully effect the bigger picture and draw us to real intimacy in that area of our relationship. But what to do?

Here is my game plan. First, I have to be willing to show up and be vulnerable in the conversation. Money talks bring up a lot of old Daddy issues for me and typically set off triggers that compute into intense feelings of shame. If we are going to get intimate on this subject I’m going to have to be able to stay in the room regardless of my feelings of discomfort. I will remind him that I have difficulty with this subject matter and ask him to be mindful of my fight or flight instinct. Next, I need to make the first move toward meeting his financial needs by intentionally not spending excess money. If I can show him my diligence in this maybe he will be able to take me seriously on other money subjects, like making a plan for our kids college future, trusts, or financial investment strategies. Finally, I will be praying for God’s help in this.I will ask Him for wisdom, self-control, and a softness between my husband and I so that we can move forward in financial unity. It’s an experiment remember, so give me some time to implement my plan and I’ll check in with progress (good and bad) as I stay committed to the process. Help me Jesus!

Books, Christianity, Church, Friendship, Holy Spirit, Love, Quotes

A Question of Love

Sally

Our family has recently been greatly blessed. And leading up to the finalization of this great blessing in our lives, I have been praying for God’s intervention. I have been asking for God to completely shut all the open doors if this would be a worldly snare rather than the good opportunity that it presents itself to be. And no doors were shut. I want to tell you how grateful I am, truly I am, for this blessing but I also want to have a moment of honesty and tell you that I am fearful. I really would have felt more “loved” by God had He shut this thing down. ‘No’ from a parent (for me) feels more like an acceptable and familiar act of love. I wonder, what does that tells you.

What it tells me is that I still have trouble trusting my Lord and that I am still greatly lacking in faith. It also tells me that I am unable to conceive a God who lavishly loves me and blesses me regardless of where I am in my spiritual walk. These feelings of unworthiness cut deep because they were laid as a central foundation to my faith back when my first ideas of God were being formed at the age of three. My religious background has me familiar with a disapproving God whom requires much before much is given and whose love is highly conditional. You could say that I was sold a “bad” Jesus but in reality Jesus was not even focused on in the church of my youth. Grace was unfamiliar territory but truth was heavily handed out bringing with it little hope of ever really pleasing God. The shocking truth about my religious journey is that I was not “saved” until I left that path and diverted to a church that could fully explain what Jesus’ death and resurrection really meant for me. I could have gone on for the rest of my life as things were and missed my salvation. That is scary. Being religious does not equal being saved and I am so thankful to an old dear friend of mine for having the courage to tell me so about fifteen years ago. I am not bitter or sorry that this was my upbringing. I have found it to be a huge blessing. Without this perspective I would not have been overly starved for grace and therefore I might not have found Jesus to be as necessary to anchor my life to as I currently do. And without having drudged through such thick and stifling religiosity I might not have the biblical savvy that I enjoy today. God uses all things for good. Regardless, I am still struggling to reconcile the Old Testament Father God persona that I knew so well for twenty plus years with a Father God who is the embodiment of love.

If I cannot accept God’s perfect love for me – if I cannot wrap my mind around it, embrace it and fully receive it then I don’t believe that I can truly love others in the way that He commands us to do. And without fully functioning in love, all is for nothing (1 Corinthians 13:3).

1 John 4:7-21 (NIV),

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.

We know that we live in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent His Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in god. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the Day of Judgment, because in this world we are like Him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do the punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because He first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.”

If I really dissect this bible passage I could start hyperventilating. I mean, just take the very first part “whoever does not love, does not know God” and I am hung. Do you think I am being too hard on myself? I don’t. It is easy to love, by the world’s standard. Our English language allows the definition of love to be as simple as this; having a strong affection or liking for someone or something. I can love a French fry by the world’s standard but God’s definition is a lot more concrete. We are familiar with 1 Corinthians 13:4, the love passage read at most weddings, but have you really digested this passage. Here is where we find a thorough definition of love that should blow your mind. Here it says that love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, love is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs, love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. God’s definition of love is that it never fails. Pass the paper bag please!

My boys are at the very top of my love list. I am a mom and I love my kids but . . . I am not patient with them, I am not always kind, I have rules for them that are self-seeking, I am very easily angered and I do remember all the wrongs they have done in the past week or so. My love for them has definitely failed them at times. These are the potholes in my imperfect love for my most loved people in this world. Now, take that and let’s go love everyone else. There is one perspective that I had never considered before that recently was presented to me. If God is love, then He is also all of those things from 1 Corinthians 13:4. Is it possible for me to take all of this in, all that God is, in all the ways that He loves me and from there be so overflowing with His love that I can love others in return; even the difficult people, the stranger, the jerk, the selfish, the crazy?

I know that love is a fruit of the Holy Spirit and that the fruits of the Holy Spirit are a gift from God Himself to help us in this life to do as He has asked us to do, including to love others. I know that He never asks us to do something that He won’t equip us or help us to do. So, I need to step out on faith and just start loving people.

To make this step of love in faith I need to stop hiding. Everyone hides. We hide from each other, we hide our truths, and we hide from God. I have hid this blog from certain people; I have hid my truths from close friends so not to hurt them. I have hid my true identity from people I know because I believe they won’t understand or possibly reject me. All of this hiding has caused me to feel discouraged, forgotten and invisible. But, I’m not invisible. God sees me and He sees you too. I need to know this in my very core. He keeps track of every single hair on my head. He has a plan for me and for my life. He made me and He delights in me. My mentor recently gave me a book to read called The God Who Sees You by Tammy Maltby. I intend to do a study with this book to help me realize God’s love for me once and for all. I want to lay aside all of my old habits of self-condemnation and to allow His love to be actualized in my heart. I want to be filled up with love to overflowing.

One of our pastors at Flatirons Community Church, Scott Nickell, did a visual demonstration a couple of weeks ago that really helped me understand the cycle I have been stuck in. He filled up a glass of water to about 60% full and called that our “spiritual works” and then he used a pitcher of water to fill the glass to 100% full and he called that God’s grace. He showed how we can be short of water depending on our perceived good works, and how we allow God’s grace to top us off at times. But what we don’t understand is that regardless of any good works or spirituality on our part, God’s grace is always sufficient! It is overflowing out over the top of that glass no matter how empty we have it or how full of our own self-righteousness we think it is. That is also a great descriptor for His love for us, overflowing.

Come on, let’s get our love on.

Books, Christianity, Friendship, Parenting, Pride

Self-forgetfulness

Sally

In the circles I run in, there is only one topic that is more taboo to discuss then even religion or politics and that topic is what school you think your children should attend.  This conversation gets under my skin every time.  I can get emotional, I can get angry, and I can get put off but worst of all I can get tempted to tell you exactly what I think about what you think.  The truth is it doesn’t matter what I think because there is no right answer.  What is right for you and your family is right for you and your family and what is right for me and my family is exactly that, right for me and my family.  It isn’t a one-size fits all equation.  So why do I tend to get so defensive and what can I do to be free of all that junk?

I feel like the core of this issue for me resides in pride.  It is born out of the need to compare myself to other people.  We want to feel superior thus leading us to try to make superior decisions in which we are hoping for superior outcomes.  Pride exists in the desire to be better or have more then the other person and for a lot of moms that desire plays out in our kids.  We want our children to prove our superior parenting styles and our above average intellects.

To be determined superior we would need a judge, or someone involved who is qualified to pronounce a “winner” in these sorts of controversies.  But there isn’t a human on earth qualified for this position because no human can look into the future and see exactly what impact a certain school is going to have on our little people or see how these little people will ultimately turn out as big people, and besides, there are so many other factors to consider that you would never be comparing apples to apples.  If I am seeking Jesus for guidance, I can trust that He will guide me and where He leads me is going to be different from where He leads you because I am me and you are you.

So, I believe pride is the culprit and our desire to compare ourselves to each other instead of allowing God to be the judge, which is our downfall.  In 1 Corinthians 4:3 the Apostle Paul has a very different outlook and I think if I can adopt it for my own I will be free of these prideful exchanges.  He says,

“I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.  My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent.  It is the Lord who judges me.  Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes.  He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts.  At that time each will receive his praise from God.”

I have been re-reading Timothy Keller’s book The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness.  I say re-reading because this is one of those books I like to keep handy to help me get my head right every time I feel like the comparison monster is creeping into my heart (and this can be often).  He calls boosting our self-esteem a “trap”.  And I couldn’t agree more.  Timothy talks about gospel-humility and he says,

“True gospel-humility means I stop connecting every experience, every conversation, with myself.  In fact, I stop thinking about myself.  The freedom of self-forgetfulness.  The blessed rest that only self-forgetfulness brings.”

I want some of that!

Timothy Keller ties this back to what Paul is saying in 1 Corinthians.  Paul seems to suggest, ‘I don’t care what you think and I don’t care what I think’ and (I might add) we both should only care what God thinks.  This needs to be my new motto.

This way of thinking could help me in so many areas of my life, especially when keeping up with the Jones’ is such a part of our culture.  Again, I do not want to be of this world and this world’s culture.  I want to follow Paul’s example and only worry about what God is asking of me, what God’s judgment of me will be.  I want to put my trust in God, knowing that He has full control over my children’s education and future.  I don’t need to be worried about any of it, nor do I need to be boastful or prideful and I certainly don’t need to be comparing my plan to yours.  I need to stop caring about what you think and stop caring about what I think but keep my goals in line with what Jesus thinks so that I can find freedom amidst these difficult conversations.

To all my friends whom I might have offended with my strong opinions, I apologize!