Category: Finances

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Marriage Initiative Take 1

Sally

I was anxious to start this new year, as I am every year, because the idea of a fresh start is so irresistible. I’ve already decided that the focus for positive change this year will be my marriage. I lost a significant friendship a year and a half ago and had some other friendships diminish into the outer layers of life focus and intention and with that I’ve felt a substantial loss and a desire to realign my connectivity to the world and my place in it closer to home and truer to my core values. Is it possible that I could foster a deeper relationship with my husband? A relationship where he could be my best friend and me his? 

I’ve had those “bitch” sessions with many of my friends and family about what our spouses will or won’t do, how they treat us or don’t, if they “get” us or not, and I’ve always dolled out the sage advice, “You can only change you so focus on that”. According to many of the marriage books I’ve read, and even the bible, effecting big positive change in a relationship can come about by making small positive changes in ourselves (accompanied by intensive prayer of course). That seems all nice and cozy attainable in theory but it can also cause some serious counter-cultural panic attacks because let’s face it, we live in a world of “me” philosophy. We are conditioned to think “what about me?” thoughts and to live very selfishly because if WE don’t work hard to look out for OUR own interests – no one will, or so we believe.

I’ll go first. I will take one for the team ladies and gents. I will lay down my pursuit of things that serve me in the effort to find something that will hopefully be life changing for my marriage. I wanted to call this effort the Marriage Experiment but realized that the acronym was then going to be ME and we can’t have that! We are supposed to be laying ME down in all of this so I’m now calling it the Marriage Initiative (which is still “me” in Spanish but we won’t go there). I want to see firsthand what kind of changes I can effect in my relationship with my husband by making changes to myself in my approaches, my words, and my actions. If the changes I see are worthy and sustainable then my hope is to inspire you to look at making similar changes in your relationships so that we all can experience that depth of intimacy we crave and were wired for.

A famous quote by Albert Einstien, “Insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” pretty much sums up a lot of our marriages don’t you think? Many of us think if I just get angrier, if I give less and less, if I stay more silent, if I withhold things – then he will finally notice me and take care of my needs for once. We all keep falling back on these patterns and it’s insanity! If anything, I think it propels us closer to divorce thoughts, fears and realities. I don’t want to go there! I’m only eleven years in with my marriage and I need to make it a good forty or so more. Yes it’s work, get over it. And it’s vulnerability at its finest but let’s face it, nothing worthwhile in this life comes easy and effortless. Luckily, I’ve already read Brene’ Brown so I’m feeling fairly equipped for those terrifying moments of being transparent, vulnerable, wholehearted and seen (I realize there will be many of those moments along the way).

To get the conversation started, the first thing I did was sit down with my husband and ask him to take an intimacy test/questionnaire with me. I won’t lie, it took prayer and lots of prodding to get my husband to participate. But, I told him that I wanted to work on some things and I pointed out how he would directly benefit from this exercise if only he would answer a few questions. 40 Forms of Intimacy: Integrating Daily Connection Into Your Couple Relationship written by Alexander Avila, was a very helpful guide in establishing a starting point. Avila helps you take a close look at what your personal connections with your partner are and he identifies forty different types of connections we can sustain in a marriage. John (my husband) and I took the “Personal Intimacy Inventory” spelled out in the book. At each type of intimacy (and no, we are not talking all things sexual – there are many other types) you ask each other did we have this at one time, do we have it now, or do we want it or want to maintain it for the future of our marriage. Some things are more important to me and some more important to him and this helped give us insight into what we both would consider enriching to our relationship.

One of the top ones John pointed out that he would like me to work on is (and if you’ve read any of my previous blogs this won’t come as a shock) Financial Intimacy. It is defined by Avila as “experiencing a sense of closeness while earning, saving, spending, giving and investing together”.  Yikes. I feel like closeness is a two-way street. I might be more willing to save if I knew what we were saving for, if I felt like I was part of a team working toward a common and exciting goal. Investing is something my husband does in a private and undisclosed way, can I be made privy of all that and be part of those decisions? I sense that when he says he wants financial intimacy he really means he just wants me to not spend money and not ask money questions. This typically would be an impasse for us but maybe, just maybe, it is an opportunity for me to make small changes that would hopefully effect the bigger picture and draw us to real intimacy in that area of our relationship. But what to do?

Here is my game plan. First, I have to be willing to show up and be vulnerable in the conversation. Money talks bring up a lot of old Daddy issues for me and typically set off triggers that compute into intense feelings of shame. If we are going to get intimate on this subject I’m going to have to be able to stay in the room regardless of my feelings of discomfort. I will remind him that I have difficulty with this subject matter and ask him to be mindful of my fight or flight instinct. Next, I need to make the first move toward meeting his financial needs by intentionally not spending excess money. If I can show him my diligence in this maybe he will be able to take me seriously on other money subjects, like making a plan for our kids college future, trusts, or financial investment strategies. Finally, I will be praying for God’s help in this.I will ask Him for wisdom, self-control, and a softness between my husband and I so that we can move forward in financial unity. It’s an experiment remember, so give me some time to implement my plan and I’ll check in with progress (good and bad) as I stay committed to the process. Help me Jesus!

Books, Christianity, Finances, Marriage, Money, Prayer, Quotes

Money Update

Sally

I thought it might be good to check in with you all on how I’ve been managing the money thing. I gave up my credit cards a good week and a half ago and like any addiction it isn’t an easy thing to overcome. This is how I’ve done; I bought a pair of wedges (in a color I do not have), a bunk bed cot for my boys that I’ve wanted for camping (I’m going to give it to them at Easter), four pairs of jeans for my son who grows super fast, and a Vitamix (yes, I know). I have to give myself a definite D- because none of the purchases were pre-approved by my husband and because yes, I still have been employing my wily ways. But I don’t get an F because I didn’t use credit cards to purchase any of them. I have more work to do in this area but I’ve confessed so at least it isn’t something I’m hiding.

On a more positive note, my husband and I did sit down and have the “budget talk” and there were no temper flares (my husband), no flurries of tears (me) and no blame. I didn’t get defensive and he didn’t show signs of denial that it is all me and not him. It was just a straight up adult conversation where we both openly discussed our money situation and what our goals for budgeting should be. I agreed with him completely and I feel very comfortable with what my part looks like. For the first time ever in our marriage I have felt like we are on the same team moving toward the same end result. That feels so good!

Because of this iron clad budget I won’t have the wiggle room to go rogue like I sometimes do. If I were to continue to spend like I did last week we won’t be eating, so that makes the stakes really high. We are talking weenies and beans people! Funny thing is I love a challenge and this definitely will be one. I can’t wait to blow my husband’s mind by all the ways I can cut costs and put more money on the bottom line for our dream. I feel invigorated and motivated, like I can add value. I feel empowered. That’s what dreams and goals can do for you.

Mark Batterson’s book, The Circle Maker: Praying Circles Around Your Biggest Dreams and Greatest Fears, has been one of the most faith inducing books I’ve ever read. There is so much to discuss from this book that I will have to come back to it many times as I blog. But one of the things Mark writes in reference to dreams and goals is this,

“When you dream, your mind forms a mental image that becomes both a picture of and a map to your destiny. That picture of the future is one dimension of faith, and the way you frame it is by circling it in prayer.”

He also writes,

“The simple act of imagining doesn’t just remap your mind; it forms a map. And that is the purpose of goal setting. If dreams are the destination, goals are the GPS that get you there.”

I can feel that map unfolding out before me and the dream coming into focus. But the best part is praying about it. I love how I can consult with God on these things and really lay them at His feet for approval or will or help or redirection. My husband has no idea that his dreams have been given up to God but the minute John asked for me to join him on a walk toward this specific dream of his, I invited God to direct and mold or even reconstruct that dream for His glory and purpose. I also asked God to protect our family from any snares of the devil or future hardship if these dreams are not appropriate for us. That is where the peace lies. I feel completely at peace with my role as the praying wife, my supportive spouse role and my role as contributing partner for this dream. Here is the gold; if this dream fails or blows up in our face, I’m completely at peace with that too. God is so good. He really does know how to bring peace that surpasses human understanding (Philippians 4:7) and He really will work all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). So, I’m back on track and really stepping out in faith that God is ultimately in control and I can feel free to continue to submit to my unbelieving husband in this way.

Books, Christianity, Finances, Marriage, Money

The Money Thing

Sally

Not unlike many marriages, mine suffers from money conflict.  Depending on which one of us you talk to, you could get a whole lot of evidence against the other on who the culprit is.  But, I really want to stand before you in truth and the truth is my husband bleeds green for me.  I have really struggled with getting on the same page with him on how our finances should be handled (or in my case not handled).  I have really opposed John in saving, waiting and focusing on the long term.  Not only have I been at odds with him in these matters – I have been at odds with Him too.  This is no small thing.

I have known women who find themselves controlled in their marriages by money.  I have known women who don’t feel worthy of spending money on themselves.  Sometimes my own spending has been just pure passive aggressive behavior.  The problem can be especially acute to the stay-at-home-mom types, like me, who don’t have a paying job that would help quantify what their net worth is in the financial world.  Because of this I have gone to extremes. I spend money when I feel like on whatever I feel like and take little heed to what my husband thinks about it.  Most of the time I feel justified.  But am I?

I really have a desire to be in a deeper relationship with my man.  Not just a good functioning relationship but a “cleaving” type relationship.  My dictionary says that “cleaving” means; 1. to adhere; cling to 2. to be faithful and “adhere” means;  1. to stick fast; stay attached 2. to give allegiance or support.  I haven’t even mentioned what the bible says about cleaving.  Cleaving could also point a little to submission.  Yes, I said it. Because it would seem that with out yielding and submitting I am not truly giving my support and allegiance.  Question; Am I submitting myself to my husband’s authority in this matter? Answer; Most definitely not.

This is what my Heavenly Father has been working in me; the desire to be able to surrender this area to my husband and trust that we will both be better for it.  I have a great desire to give up what the world finds important materialistically speaking and embrace only what God finds important.  It has been a struggle.  I will do really well for awhile and then really bad.  It is a cycle for me; another long trip “around the mountain” as Joyce Meyer would call it.

Not coincidentally, I fell down hard at a retail store the other day (this is figuratively speaking).  I was waiting for that typical fight to start over what I had spent when my husband got home from work.  He is the kind of guy who loves to check all our accounts regularly so I know that he knows what I did.  But, the fight didn’t come.  Instead, I received a loving email from him in my inbox the next morning that simply said, “I thought you would be interested in this article, 10 Signs You’re a Credit Card Addict, Love, me”.

I read the article and was pleased to find that only three out of the ten signs seemed to resonate with me personally but if that wasn’t enough to take pause, the real kicker was this particular bit of wording used in this article by Allison Martin from Money Talks News.  She writes,

“Desperate times call for desperate measures, and perhaps it’s time for you to desperately seek help with your credit card addiction.”

Um, am I Desperately Seeking Sally?  Yes.  And do I believe in coincidences?  No. I will tell you that God knows exactly how to talk to me so that I will listen.  And He spoke.

So, I decided to do something about this problem that I have been wholeheartedly contributing to.  I decided to cleave to my husband and submit to his authority in the financial aspect of our marriage.  I decided to trust him (and Him) and to set myself free from the guilt and responsibility of mismanaged money.  I decided to see this thing through to find out if there is greater intimacy to be had by my doing so.  And let’s not forget, I decided to obey my God.

John (my husband) took me out to dinner for date night and after a glass of wine and a deep breath, I reached into my purse and pulled out a small stack of plastic wrapped in a purple ribbon.  Yes, it was a stack; five to be exact (don’t look at me like that – only one was currently carrying a balance).  I pushed it across the table to him and his eyes bulged out a little at the five credit cards he unwrapped because most were sorta gotten in secret (sign #6 in the article).  Anyhow, he calmly tucked them into his shirt pocket for safekeeping.

I explained that I would strive to be a better communicator and that if I felt I needed to charge something in the future I would come to him, ask him about it and then retrieve my credit card from him for approved purchases.  I also told him that I expected him to respect me as well and talk over his future expenses before making them.  At the very least this would force me to have the conversation and to hear his reasoning behind the “no” if there is one or cause him to take responsibility for the money spent if the answer happens to be “yes”.  He asked me what brought all this on and I told him I read the article he had sent me via email that morning.  He laughed and said that he hadn’t even read it himself but thought it would be funny to send to me.  In other words, he didn’t send it, God did.

You might think that I surrendered my spending to John for the sake of a happier more fulfilling marriage and that is a partial truth but really, I surrendered it to God.  It’s God’s economy that I want to be functioning in, not the worlds.  In Shane Claiborne’s book, The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical,  he talks about the story of the rich man that came up to Jesus asking what he needed to do to get into the Kingdom of Heaven (Matthew 19:16-30; Mark 10:17-30; Luke 18:18-30).  In Shane’s words,

“The story is not so much about whether rich folks are welcome as it is about the nature of the kingdom of God, which has an ethic and economy diametrically opposed to those of the world.  Rather than accumulating stuff for oneself, followers of Jesus abandon everything, trusting in God alone for providence.”

In whom or in what do I trust?  Is it God or is it plastic?  Why am I accumulating stuff for myself when I should be abandoning everything!  Yikes, I need to fight these worldly desires and look to store up my treasures in heaven instead (Matthew 6:20 KJV).

Later that same evening, as I was getting up from the couch, a sore hip that chronically gives me trouble made me wince and I said to my hubby, “Ouch! I think I need my credit card back so I can go see the Chiropractor this week.”  We both laughed.  Really?  It had been only two hours since I relinquished them.  How long can I go without the plastic as my go to?  With Jesus’ help I hope to go all the way.

Stay tuned . . .