Category: Courage

Battle, Cancer, Character, Christianity, Courage, Friendship, Love

Choose Life

Sally

I need to be vulnerable with you now by giving a realistic snapshot of where I was at in my life when I got the breast cancer diagnosis. I am a stay-at-home mom who’s kids are middle school age and attend school full time (tough job some might say). I’ve been happily married for fourteen years to a wonderful, kind, and generous man. When I say happily I really mean it, we don’t fight much, we are solid and I believe our relationship is one of the happiest I know. I am provided for and I want for nothing. There is no stress in my life, no big conflicts, no quantifiable unhappiness to dwell on. Basically, I’m living the dream. But, deep down that old Peggy Lee tune would creep into my subconscious; “Is that all there is? Is that all there is? If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing, let’s break out the booze and have a ball, If that’s all, there is.” And I really was breaking out the booze, a lot of it, because I was meant for something more, something bigger than myself, something with eternal satisfaction and reward and I couldn’t find it. The booze could give the illusion I was living a big life but it always left me feeling empty and small the next morning. I was giving up on my boys (and my husband). My thinking has been, if my husband doesn’t believe in God then all my efforts to lead the boys spiritually is really for nothing. They look to John for the example and the values that they are going to model their lives after and if he repeatedly shows them that God is not important to him, then statistics show God is not going to be important to them either. I was giving up territory and spiritual authority in my home and it was starting to show. I was depressed and not really living, I was weary, pushed down and pressed out. My biggest source of frustration comes from the television. I believe that television is an instrument of the devil to break up families, to mind control the narrative in politics and belief systems, a means to lure people into a passivity that focus’ only on the next game, the next play off, the next season, the next “whatever” while people forget to get outside and actually live the next game, do the next thing for themselves rather than plugging in and watching others do it. We were in a family rut and I could not see any way out of it. Then cancer enters stage right and suddenly life really IS short. It was a bucket of cold water in the face of zombie-like habits. Was I going to fight or was I going to be done. It’s tempting to be done. I joked with my husband, “Hey, it’s been great, but bye now.” Because I’ve been terrified to see my boys grow up to renounce their faith, or not engage in it. I’ve been terrified that they would dive off the safe path straight into harms way because I had failed them as a mother. I was tempted to skip the end of the movie and go straight to heaven where life’s pain wouldn’t be a reality I would have to deal with anymore. This is the emotional space I was in when I first faced cancer.

No, cancer is not a death sentence, I realize that. But it’s also not wine, roses and endless sunsets. It’s a health crisis and it requires serious attention. It can have deadly consequences and it is a wake up call. As I tell John and the boys the diagnosis, I can see it shift something in our home. I can see it begin to reprioritize the important things above the unimportant. It nags at us all the time, asking us if this is really how we want to spend our time or is there a better option to be had. It often asks, “Do you choose life today and what does that look like.”

Anne Graham Lotz addresses this in a blog titled  What Cancer Can Do. She writes,
“Cancer can . . . Enrich love
Cancer can . . . Refocus hope
Cancer can . . . Strengthen faith
Cancer can . . . Deepen prayer
Cancer can . . . Command peace
Cancer can . . . Bolster confidence
Cancer can . . . Increase endurance
Cancer can . . . Multiply friendships
Cancer can . . . Enhance memories
Cancer can . . . Open doors
Cancer can . . . Realign priorities
Cancer can . . . Grow courage
Cancer can . . . Create empathy
Cancer can . . . Tenderize compassion
Cancer can . . . Develop character
Cancer can be a blessing in disguise.
Cancer can be the preliminary to bearing much eternal fruit.
Cancer can be a display case for God’s glory.”

Anne is so right! This Fearless Journey Into The Unknown is exactly what I’ve been looking for, a way forward out of the fog by heading straight into it. A significant path riddled with hard choices emerged that has the potential to bring refinement and purpose where there was stagnation and despair. This diagnosis has the potential to bring change to my whole family, not just me. It could touch anyone and everyone who knows me or comes in contact with me. A cancer journey has the right amount of “moanies” already built in. If I let God take control and lean into the pain and uncertainty those “moanies” have the capability to come together and make a most beautiful testimony.

The blessings abound just like Anne described.

Enriched love, you have no idea. My husband has been caring for me in a way I didn’t even know was part of his DNA. He can’t bear seeing me in pain and when the pain is too much and all I can do is let the tears flow he so tenderly strokes my skin and just holds me. I’ve never been in such a vulnerable place before, and he has never needed to care for me before. How were we ever going to know just how deep and selfless our love is if we hadn’t had the blessing of it being threatened to be cut off prematurely or without trial?

Refocused hope is back in my home. I have hope and renewed strength to take back my spiritual authority. I am still the sanctified wife and I have the hope to continue to walk under that pressure. I have so much new vision for revival right in my own backyard. As the Bible says.

Proverbs 13:12 NLT. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.”

I am ready to see my dreams fulfilled!

Strengthened faith is exactly what has emerged because God has been showing up big by personally showing me He cares, He loves, He heals. There is nothing like a personal encounter with the Lord Himself. I invited Him in to shed light on these dark times and He gladly comes in and does what only He can do.

Deepened prayer has naturally occurred because my prayer life has suddenly became way more focused. I now know what I need to be fighting for, asking for and giving thanks for. It’s become so clear what I need to work on, repent of and be delivered from. I desire to be a part of the billion soul revival, I still want to do the spiritual warfare necessary to establish His Kingdom here on earth. I draw so much comfort from my prayer life because it has deepened my relationship with Him. There are long, sleepless nights and I find peace by talking to God the whole night through. I just lay my head on His chest and let Him keep me until morning.

Commanded peace comes from releasing all that I can not control into the hands of Him who can. I can control very little that these cancer treatments throw my way but I can trust that He is shielding me and lifting me up. As I submit my fears, my pain, my uncertainty to Him I find peace that exceeds anything I can understand (Philippians 4:7 NLT). If I know that even death has no sting because of my belief in Jesus, I have nothing to be concerned about (1 Corinthians 15:55 NLT).

Bolstered confidence has come out of the hair loss. I was losing so much hair and my scalp has been so sensitive that I ended up having my sister shave it all off. Going out in public actually looking “sick” has been something I want to shy away from but hey, I’m still here and this is temporary so I’m just doing it. My girlfriend always says, “We’re doing it live!” and she is so right. I worry about my husband being turned off by me. Let’s face it, I look like a molting turkey. But, he only leans in to kiss me with more compassion than ever because he sees the toll this treatment is taking on my body when I was so apparently healthy to start. It builds my confidence in his love.

Increased endurance is a no-brainer. At the half way mark, I’ll be honest, I have zero interest in pursuing anymore of these treatments. I had an allergic reaction to one of the chemo drugs that caused me to struggle breathing, flush out and feel like I was about to float out of the room. The Benadryl they quickly gave me added the shakes and some nausea to boot. There are dangerous complications that can occur but again who knows if and what those might be for your particular situation. All you can do is just do the next thing and deal with whatever may come your way. I am doing the marathon not the mile. The week long recovery can only be accomplished one day at a time, one hour at time. It’s pointless to worry about what tomorrow might bring.

Matthew 6:34 NLT “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

Multiplied friendships has been the best part of this. I have been lacking in the friendship department. I have my tight group of devoted, long-standing friendships but I do not have a large collection of fun girlfriends that you can have a girl’s night out with or hit the streets of Vegas with. I long for that jovial, witty laughter and freedom that only certain girlfriend groups can offer. I think after a certain age you just settle into a family routine and you forget who you were as an independent woman. When you are in a health crisis and you need help and support, that help and support seems to appear out of the most unpredictable people. The people who have shown up at this time really have proven to me that those fun times and friendships are waiting to be cultivated if I will just pay attention and say, “yes”.

Enhanced memories, most definitely. I go to endless baseball games for my son and I’m thankful to be there when before I found it a drudgery. We take a walk as a family and it suddenly feels special. I get to drive my son to and from school, I realize now that I’ve been missing that “chore”. It’s all a matter of perspective. These things feel like a privilege now, not something to be taken for granted.

Cancer has opened up doors and avenues and groups of people to me that I would never otherwise had access to. I’ve suddenly found a new platform to express myself and new territory to explore. There is new wisdom and understanding to be gleaned from a whole group of women that have gone through cancer before me. There are places I’ve never been that I’m suddenly frequenting and because of that I’m being introduced to new faces. All of these new exposures have the potential to open doors to endless possibilities.

Realigned priorities is a must. I can’t leave the house for so many weeks at a time that when I finally can I make sure it’s for the best reasons. I’m a compulsive house cleaner, now I don’t have the energy to waste on some of that stuff. I’d rather go have lunch with a friend. Working out has always been a priority but I’ve found myself doing yard work on that hot day instead. I could spend my days in bed watching endless shows and movies but instead I’ve found it a joy to work on this blog. Time is a commodity and I’m more motivated than ever to spend it wisely.

Courage is being grown and stretched and demanded with each visit to the cancer clinic. Being pumped full of drugs is not an ideal thing to have to endure no matter what the desired outcome is. Wearing the DigniCap is uncomfortable at best and having an adverse reaction to something is always a possibility. The after effects can be a moving target, what you felt one week isn’t necessarily going to be the norm for the next. You have to have courage to keep going back. You have to have courage to shave your head. You have to have courage to share your story. With each new stretch of yourself you find that you are way more capable than you might have thought possible. There is a fighting warrior inside of you and with each new brave step, she emerges.

I thought that I was an empathetic person but I realize now that I didn’t have a clue. If you haven’t been through something yourself, trust me, you don’t know what that person is going through. Even my wildest imagination did not prepare me for this cancer journey. I feel ashamed for all the dumb stuff I’ve probably said over the years to people going through stuff. No one has offended me or said anything to me that was wrong, I just now know what I didn’t know before. I have been brought to a place of deep humility in all of this. My empathy has been deepened because of this first hand knowledge.

Tenderized compassion goes hand in hand with the empathy. I never knew just how difficult these different treatments can be and how it affects the whole family and friend nucleus. You are surrounded by people going through tough times. It might not be cancer specifically but whatever it might be can be devastating that stranger’s life and all they hold dear. There is an unknown lurking behind every person you meet, an unknown stress perhaps, a loss, or a trouble. Why is the cashier being super short and unprofessional? Why is your kid’s teacher missing a ton of school days? Why is your neighbor reluctant to say hi at the mailbox? It’s not always about us. We need compassion for the unseen pain in people’s lives. I need a free pass sometimes and I’ve been much more willing to give out free passes because I have learned that everyone is struggling with something and just because I’m not privy to the exact nature of the struggle doesn’t mean I shouldn’t extend the curtesy of compassion anyway.

All of these lessons come out of the fire of refinement and so does the development of character. The lessons can be painfully learned or easily applied. They can be had begrudgingly or welcomed with open arms. Either way, they will be learned. And if you miss the lesson now, believe me, it will keep presenting itself in different ways until you get it. I’d rather try to be a good student but even so I’ve had to see things from many different angles before I could say I’ve learned that specific lesson. We can get so wrapped up in our own stuff that we fail to see those suffering around us. Jesus wants us to love people the way He does and it starts with seeing the need so that we can fill it, come along side it, or point it back to Him.

It’s so weird to say this but cancer can heal. I’m living proof of that. I am revived. I am willing. I am excited. I choose life!

Cancer, Character, Christianity, Courage, Personal, Struggle

No Hair, Don’t Care . . .Or Do I?

Sally

As the date for my first chemo infusion swiftly approaches there were some things I needed to consider and a port that needed to be installed. There is a device called the DigniCap Scalp Cooling System, developed in Sweden and used in Europe since the 1970’s, that had finally been approved by the FDA for use in the US in December of 2015. The function of this cap is to keep your hair follicles cold enough that they shrink thereby absorbing less of the chemotherapy medicine which otherwise would kill the follicles, thus the hair loss. This silicon cap worn tight on the scalp is computer-controlled and monitors contact points on the scalp to continually adjust and keep the temperature of the scalp at 32F. There is an hour cooling period prior to the infusion that gets your scalp down to temperature and you wear it through the whole process and continue to wear it for a couple of hours after. They tell you that this devise will greatly reduce hair loss but in the brochure there is a whole lot more to it. For instance, you can’t color or bleach your hair, you can’t use most shampoos or hair products that have chemicals in them, you can’t use blow dryers or curling irons, you can’t tie your hair back in ponytails, and you need to comb your hair with a wide tooth comb several times a day to keep the hair that is falling out from matting with the hair that is still hanging on. This sounds like a nightmare because I’ve been dying my hair for thirty years, I know it’s grey and if I can’t keep up with the dye job it will grow out like a skunk stripe.

I needed to have someone give it to me straight, what the realistic expectation of hair loss is even with the use of this cap. I called up one of the nurses who works the chemotherapy wing and I asked her some really pointed questions. I could tell that she was trained to relay everything in a super optimistic way so I finally had to say, “Listen, I don’t care about the vanity of this situation. I need to know for upkeep and overall results what I can expect from this cap because I am considering shaving my head anyway.” She finally admitted that the cap was originally designed to save hair follicles from permanent damage not necessarily to stop the hair loss during treatment. She said I can still expect to lose up to 50% of my hair. This is information I needed because now it makes more sense for me to do what I can to simplify my hair care and to reduce the shock of handfuls of hair coming out. I decide to have my stylist (who also happens to be my sister) shave my head on all sides leaving a cute amount on top to play with. She did a balayage bleach treatment so that the hair will look more natural and not a stripe if it grows. This was a big deal just because I have long “blonde” hair and I’ve never cut it very short in my life. Here was another hurdle to overcome on my Fearless Journey Into The Unknown.

I think, as women, we tend to find our identities in things external. How we think we look to the world and to ourselves can either give us confidence or make us insecure. We might hide behind things like fashion, hair, makeup or high end bling. I felt empowered by my decision to face hair loss straight on by shaving my head but the minute I stepped out into public I had to face the reality that I no longer looked like “myself” and I could no longer hide behind that false sense of security. I had a really hard time with that person looking back at me in the mirror. She looked so foreign and she looked so masculine. It was hard to be out and about because I felt like people were assuming I might be gay or liberal. Yes, I said it. We, as a society, use looks as a means to stereotype people and it can lead to judgmental assumptions. These assumptions are not necessarily good or bad but they often aren’t true and when we deal with people based off of something that is not true it limits our ability to know them and love them for who they really are. I’m not upset by homosexuality nor by liberal belief systems, but I should be aware that I myself have preconceived ideas of what looks “gay” or “liberal” or whatever and how that effects my ability to accept and love people where they are for who they are regardless of how they present themselves. This is a lesson in love that I didn’t see coming and I’m so grateful for it. I need to learn to see people the way God sees people. I need to see their soul, their heart, their dreams, their hurts, their humanity. I need to see them the way I want to be seen, deeper than the external allows.

I John 4:7-8 NLT “Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”

I Corinthians 16:14 NLT “And do everything with love.”

Luke 6:32 NLT “If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them!”

John 15:17 NLT “This is my command: love each other.”

God is really working on my heart, melting away a hard shell that has been constricting and deluding me for years. Love is an action and an attitude. It’s an openness that wants to embrace all people for all that they are. It strips away external and embraces eternal (the soul). The only way to win people in this upside down world is to love them. I need that same curtesy, especially now. I’m broken wide open and feel free to freely love for the first time in my life, and I’m thinking of taking the hair one step further by dying it pink. God is good too. That first trip to the grocery store, a woman stopped me in the isle and said that she loved my look and she wanted me to know. I have had a lot of people tell me that this style really seems to embody my real personality and that I really can rock the shave. I have never had so many strangers bless me with compliments in my life. I take this as a hug from God telling me that I am still cute, I’m more than my hair, and He helped bolster my confidence.

**Update, about three weeks after my first infusion treatment the hair started falling out in clumps and handfuls. I have to testify that shaving my head the way I did was very much the right decision for me. It was alarming to see the amounts of hair in my hand and collected around the drain. I am very thin on the sides now. I think this would have been way harder to navigate if I was still trying to hang on to the illusion of hair. It is hard to keep up with the shedding even when I don’t have as much longer hair to worry about.

Books, Character, Christianity, Courage, Forgiveness, Friendship, Personal, Struggle

Courageous

Sally

Recently I was invited to a birthday party, a party that I had wanted to be included in from the first I knew of it’s existence. But as the day and time of the party drew near, my anxiety about having to walk into this party increased. As I let out a deep sigh and bolstered myself into the room, I was struck by the dreaded feeling of not belonging. I instantly relived old hurts of not fitting in, not having a place, not being seen and the humility that comes from a deep secret fear that my being there was a mistake. You see, the room was full of wonderful women, smart women, revolutionary women who fight daily against social injustice, inequality, abuse, racism and mediocrity. Several of the women there are great lovers of humanity, or of God, and at the very least great lovers of life. I can’t say that I’m really a great fit for any of these descriptors thus maybe not a great fit as friendly companionship to these woman. The lie is that I’m not an equally valuable contributor to society nor to the room. I’m just simply me, and a wounded me at that. I mostly wanted to hide. In hiding I could possibly stay protected and maybe in control of my lurking suspicion that at 43 years of age I haven’t made any significant contributions or a lick of positive difference on this planet. The ever present question, “What am I doing with my life?”, is especially loud and clear this evening. The weird thing is I’m surrounded by friends and acquaintances. I “know” everyone at this party from some place of kindness and goodwill in my community or another so why do I feel so alone and so very uninvited when quite clearly I was?

God heard my cry. He always does because He is faithful and He comforted me in that special way He does, through books. One of the friends from the evening sent me a text the very next day about a book she was about to purchase. She had no idea I was struggling nor did she have any inkling that this book would be for me. She was just sharing her next book purchase with me, off the cuff. No surprises here, the title was perfectly appropriate to what I was still processing from the night before. The book was Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa TerKeurst. I promptly bought it myself and what an honest read it was as it put balm and ointment on my fears, hurts and insecurities. Lysa, the author, suggested two fears I might have been wrestling with that night, two fears that lurk in the shadows of every social engagement I have had the courage to expose myself to in the last several years. They are 1. The fear of abandonment and 2. The fear of losing one’s identity. I accept the first fear as my own because I was abandoned by someone I had poured twelve years of love and acceptance into. She was a dear friend who rejected me in an instant when we had our first major disagreement. I believe that her pain was too great for her to overcome and therefore it was easier for her to reject and exile me rather than face it and find ways to heal and reconcile. But even with the insight God has been gracious to give me on the situation, I still have my own personal wounds turned fears to overcome. To look out into that room at that party was to see many potential close friendships that might easily about-face in a nano second if they find something in me that they don’t like because it’s happened before. As Lysa (the author) pointed out, “Things of this world all eventually reveal what incapable anchors they really are.” “Things” for me is actually “people”, and “people” is actually “close-friend”, and “close-friend” is actually someone I experienced a “soul-tie” with and that “soul-tie” when ripped apart naturally took part of my soul away with her. Painful. Very.

As for the part about losing one’s identity, I guess I need to remind myself that it’s my identity in Christ that is truth, not an identity that suggests that what happened in that friendship gone wrong translates into my being a bad friend, a bad person, or someone who has nothing good to offer others. Those are feelings that were born out of brokenness, but as Lysa kindly reminds me,

“Feelings are broken boards. Only truth is solid, unchanging, and stable through and through. Old patterns of thought must be torn out, and a new way of looking at the core of who I am using God’s truth has to be put into place. My identity must be anchored to the truth of who God is and who He is to me.”

My decision is made; I will continue to learn and grow and present the best version of myself to the world and trust that God will bring people into my life who are doing the same. In the mean time, I might be lonely and I might feel unseen and I might not be invited but I am not the sum total of those insecurities. Instead, I am loved by God and I am well on my way to aligning myself with my God given purpose and what/where/and who He has mapped out for me. What I was longing for in the party room that night was connectivity. I long to connect with women who are doing life with the Lord on a more enlightened plain than I’m on because I want to be lifted up, challenged and forced to grow beyond where I currently am. I want to see the world through different perspectives than my own, in ways that unravel my predisposed prejudices and replace them with humbling, God revealed realities I hadn’t considered before. I want to be in safe communion with women who are not intimidated by my fumbling and short comings but who can lovingly show me to myself for the purpose of spiritual growth and mutual celebrations of God’s grace through His discipline and admonishment. These women may or may not be those who were in attendance that night but it doesn’t matter because I’m believing in God’s provision. He will deliver the perfect friendships at the perfect time in line with His refinement and purpose for my life. I will not be captivated by the fear that this loneliness is more than temporary and for a season. I am holding out for the goodness and fulness of His provision as He deems fit. My only obligation is to press on and boldly play my unique note to the world.

One thing I can do while I wait is contemplate and act appropriately on the question Lysa asks;

“Do I walk into situations empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless me?”

I don’t want to be that needy person in the room, the one that needs reassurance and validation to be there. I’d much rather be overflowing with God’s love in a way that I can offer it freely to others rather than needing others to fill up a deficit within myself. Let’s face it, very few people can detect the deficit for what it is in others none the less fill it up to satisfaction. Only God fits into those God-sized holes. But what a refreshment it would be to enter into a social situation with confidence that I’m there to be a blessing to someone rather than with the nervousness of an unmet need looking to be filled.

Lysa brings up another very important factor that rejection tries to steal from us, our hesitancy to trust again. Humans break trust all the time, sometimes on purpose. I trusted that I could be honest with my ex-friend and I was wrong, she trusted that I would never speak up on some subjects that bothered me and she was wrong. This lays fertile ground for the idea that it is absolutely not safe to be vulnerable, transparent or trusting of other human beings no matter how long you have known them or how long you have professed to love them and them you. Lysa describes this well,

“Girls who have the lingering whispers of rejection still echoing in the hollows of their soul rarely feel completely held safe. So they look at gaps of the unknown and hesitate at best. Run away at worst. They crave for life to make sense. They cringe when it doesn’t. It’s unfathomable to take a leap into something as uncertain as air and expect to stay intact. What we see will violate what we know unless what we know dictates what we see.”

God has been whispering so much truth to my soul about my lost friendship that I can finally see it through His eyes. It was a pruning from which significant growth on my part was had. It was a humbling so that I can approach future relationships with more love and grace than ever before. It was reprioritizing so that I can have no other before Him (and also not before my own husband). It was a sure way for Him to draw me to Himself because the pain was so acute and so long suffering (several years have already passed and it still seems like my loss was realized yesterday). She never was my enemy and I refuse to think she is now, it is just a reconciliation that is still waiting to happen and I continue to pray and trust in God to orchestrate it. So naturally I’m gun shy at this friendship thing now. I am reluctant to show my heart to people for fear that they will misunderstand me or worse not care. I have trust issues trying to take hold. But God will not fail me, He will cross the room with me at these parties and He will commune with me in the awkward silences or pregnant stares. He will make me able to withstand another lost friendship should it come to that and He will be diligent in teaching me important lessons through it. He allows me to be me in all my imperfections and so I will be courageous and allow myself to be seen, to be vulnerable, to hold my heart open to the next lovely creature who also wants to be seen and to be vulnerable and to hold open her heart as well. I consciously choose to go first and not let fear weigh me down nor steal my future wherever it might lead and to whomever it might lead. I might not be invited next time, but if and when I am I will be looking to be a blessing rather than one who’s allowing fear to choke the atmosphere out of the party. I’m not the life of the party, never have been, but hey, I’m a great listener.