Category: Character

Battle, Cancer, Character, Christianity, Courage, Friendship, Love

Choose Life

Sally

I need to be vulnerable with you now by giving a realistic snapshot of where I was at in my life when I got the breast cancer diagnosis. I am a stay-at-home mom who’s kids are middle school age and attend school full time (tough job some might say). I’ve been happily married for fourteen years to a wonderful, kind, and generous man. When I say happily I really mean it, we don’t fight much, we are solid and I believe our relationship is one of the happiest I know. I am provided for and I want for nothing. There is no stress in my life, no big conflicts, no quantifiable unhappiness to dwell on. Basically, I’m living the dream. But, deep down that old Peggy Lee tune would creep into my subconscious; “Is that all there is? Is that all there is? If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing, let’s break out the booze and have a ball, If that’s all, there is.” And I really was breaking out the booze, a lot of it, because I was meant for something more, something bigger than myself, something with eternal satisfaction and reward and I couldn’t find it. The booze could give the illusion I was living a big life but it always left me feeling empty and small the next morning. I was giving up on my boys (and my husband). My thinking has been, if my husband doesn’t believe in God then all my efforts to lead the boys spiritually is really for nothing. They look to John for the example and the values that they are going to model their lives after and if he repeatedly shows them that God is not important to him, then statistics show God is not going to be important to them either. I was giving up territory and spiritual authority in my home and it was starting to show. I was depressed and not really living, I was weary, pushed down and pressed out. My biggest source of frustration comes from the television. I believe that television is an instrument of the devil to break up families, to mind control the narrative in politics and belief systems, a means to lure people into a passivity that focus’ only on the next game, the next play off, the next season, the next “whatever” while people forget to get outside and actually live the next game, do the next thing for themselves rather than plugging in and watching others do it. We were in a family rut and I could not see any way out of it. Then cancer enters stage right and suddenly life really IS short. It was a bucket of cold water in the face of zombie-like habits. Was I going to fight or was I going to be done. It’s tempting to be done. I joked with my husband, “Hey, it’s been great, but bye now.” Because I’ve been terrified to see my boys grow up to renounce their faith, or not engage in it. I’ve been terrified that they would dive off the safe path straight into harms way because I had failed them as a mother. I was tempted to skip the end of the movie and go straight to heaven where life’s pain wouldn’t be a reality I would have to deal with anymore. This is the emotional space I was in when I first faced cancer.

No, cancer is not a death sentence, I realize that. But it’s also not wine, roses and endless sunsets. It’s a health crisis and it requires serious attention. It can have deadly consequences and it is a wake up call. As I tell John and the boys the diagnosis, I can see it shift something in our home. I can see it begin to reprioritize the important things above the unimportant. It nags at us all the time, asking us if this is really how we want to spend our time or is there a better option to be had. It often asks, “Do you choose life today and what does that look like.”

Anne Graham Lotz addresses this in a blog titled  What Cancer Can Do. She writes,
“Cancer can . . . Enrich love
Cancer can . . . Refocus hope
Cancer can . . . Strengthen faith
Cancer can . . . Deepen prayer
Cancer can . . . Command peace
Cancer can . . . Bolster confidence
Cancer can . . . Increase endurance
Cancer can . . . Multiply friendships
Cancer can . . . Enhance memories
Cancer can . . . Open doors
Cancer can . . . Realign priorities
Cancer can . . . Grow courage
Cancer can . . . Create empathy
Cancer can . . . Tenderize compassion
Cancer can . . . Develop character
Cancer can be a blessing in disguise.
Cancer can be the preliminary to bearing much eternal fruit.
Cancer can be a display case for God’s glory.”

Anne is so right! This Fearless Journey Into The Unknown is exactly what I’ve been looking for, a way forward out of the fog by heading straight into it. A significant path riddled with hard choices emerged that has the potential to bring refinement and purpose where there was stagnation and despair. This diagnosis has the potential to bring change to my whole family, not just me. It could touch anyone and everyone who knows me or comes in contact with me. A cancer journey has the right amount of “moanies” already built in. If I let God take control and lean into the pain and uncertainty those “moanies” have the capability to come together and make a most beautiful testimony.

The blessings abound just like Anne described.

Enriched love, you have no idea. My husband has been caring for me in a way I didn’t even know was part of his DNA. He can’t bear seeing me in pain and when the pain is too much and all I can do is let the tears flow he so tenderly strokes my skin and just holds me. I’ve never been in such a vulnerable place before, and he has never needed to care for me before. How were we ever going to know just how deep and selfless our love is if we hadn’t had the blessing of it being threatened to be cut off prematurely or without trial?

Refocused hope is back in my home. I have hope and renewed strength to take back my spiritual authority. I am still the sanctified wife and I have the hope to continue to walk under that pressure. I have so much new vision for revival right in my own backyard. As the Bible says.

Proverbs 13:12 NLT. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.”

I am ready to see my dreams fulfilled!

Strengthened faith is exactly what has emerged because God has been showing up big by personally showing me He cares, He loves, He heals. There is nothing like a personal encounter with the Lord Himself. I invited Him in to shed light on these dark times and He gladly comes in and does what only He can do.

Deepened prayer has naturally occurred because my prayer life has suddenly became way more focused. I now know what I need to be fighting for, asking for and giving thanks for. It’s become so clear what I need to work on, repent of and be delivered from. I desire to be a part of the billion soul revival, I still want to do the spiritual warfare necessary to establish His Kingdom here on earth. I draw so much comfort from my prayer life because it has deepened my relationship with Him. There are long, sleepless nights and I find peace by talking to God the whole night through. I just lay my head on His chest and let Him keep me until morning.

Commanded peace comes from releasing all that I can not control into the hands of Him who can. I can control very little that these cancer treatments throw my way but I can trust that He is shielding me and lifting me up. As I submit my fears, my pain, my uncertainty to Him I find peace that exceeds anything I can understand (Philippians 4:7 NLT). If I know that even death has no sting because of my belief in Jesus, I have nothing to be concerned about (1 Corinthians 15:55 NLT).

Bolstered confidence has come out of the hair loss. I was losing so much hair and my scalp has been so sensitive that I ended up having my sister shave it all off. Going out in public actually looking “sick” has been something I want to shy away from but hey, I’m still here and this is temporary so I’m just doing it. My girlfriend always says, “We’re doing it live!” and she is so right. I worry about my husband being turned off by me. Let’s face it, I look like a molting turkey. But, he only leans in to kiss me with more compassion than ever because he sees the toll this treatment is taking on my body when I was so apparently healthy to start. It builds my confidence in his love.

Increased endurance is a no-brainer. At the half way mark, I’ll be honest, I have zero interest in pursuing anymore of these treatments. I had an allergic reaction to one of the chemo drugs that caused me to struggle breathing, flush out and feel like I was about to float out of the room. The Benadryl they quickly gave me added the shakes and some nausea to boot. There are dangerous complications that can occur but again who knows if and what those might be for your particular situation. All you can do is just do the next thing and deal with whatever may come your way. I am doing the marathon not the mile. The week long recovery can only be accomplished one day at a time, one hour at time. It’s pointless to worry about what tomorrow might bring.

Matthew 6:34 NLT “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

Multiplied friendships has been the best part of this. I have been lacking in the friendship department. I have my tight group of devoted, long-standing friendships but I do not have a large collection of fun girlfriends that you can have a girl’s night out with or hit the streets of Vegas with. I long for that jovial, witty laughter and freedom that only certain girlfriend groups can offer. I think after a certain age you just settle into a family routine and you forget who you were as an independent woman. When you are in a health crisis and you need help and support, that help and support seems to appear out of the most unpredictable people. The people who have shown up at this time really have proven to me that those fun times and friendships are waiting to be cultivated if I will just pay attention and say, “yes”.

Enhanced memories, most definitely. I go to endless baseball games for my son and I’m thankful to be there when before I found it a drudgery. We take a walk as a family and it suddenly feels special. I get to drive my son to and from school, I realize now that I’ve been missing that “chore”. It’s all a matter of perspective. These things feel like a privilege now, not something to be taken for granted.

Cancer has opened up doors and avenues and groups of people to me that I would never otherwise had access to. I’ve suddenly found a new platform to express myself and new territory to explore. There is new wisdom and understanding to be gleaned from a whole group of women that have gone through cancer before me. There are places I’ve never been that I’m suddenly frequenting and because of that I’m being introduced to new faces. All of these new exposures have the potential to open doors to endless possibilities.

Realigned priorities is a must. I can’t leave the house for so many weeks at a time that when I finally can I make sure it’s for the best reasons. I’m a compulsive house cleaner, now I don’t have the energy to waste on some of that stuff. I’d rather go have lunch with a friend. Working out has always been a priority but I’ve found myself doing yard work on that hot day instead. I could spend my days in bed watching endless shows and movies but instead I’ve found it a joy to work on this blog. Time is a commodity and I’m more motivated than ever to spend it wisely.

Courage is being grown and stretched and demanded with each visit to the cancer clinic. Being pumped full of drugs is not an ideal thing to have to endure no matter what the desired outcome is. Wearing the DigniCap is uncomfortable at best and having an adverse reaction to something is always a possibility. The after effects can be a moving target, what you felt one week isn’t necessarily going to be the norm for the next. You have to have courage to keep going back. You have to have courage to shave your head. You have to have courage to share your story. With each new stretch of yourself you find that you are way more capable than you might have thought possible. There is a fighting warrior inside of you and with each new brave step, she emerges.

I thought that I was an empathetic person but I realize now that I didn’t have a clue. If you haven’t been through something yourself, trust me, you don’t know what that person is going through. Even my wildest imagination did not prepare me for this cancer journey. I feel ashamed for all the dumb stuff I’ve probably said over the years to people going through stuff. No one has offended me or said anything to me that was wrong, I just now know what I didn’t know before. I have been brought to a place of deep humility in all of this. My empathy has been deepened because of this first hand knowledge.

Tenderized compassion goes hand in hand with the empathy. I never knew just how difficult these different treatments can be and how it affects the whole family and friend nucleus. You are surrounded by people going through tough times. It might not be cancer specifically but whatever it might be can be devastating that stranger’s life and all they hold dear. There is an unknown lurking behind every person you meet, an unknown stress perhaps, a loss, or a trouble. Why is the cashier being super short and unprofessional? Why is your kid’s teacher missing a ton of school days? Why is your neighbor reluctant to say hi at the mailbox? It’s not always about us. We need compassion for the unseen pain in people’s lives. I need a free pass sometimes and I’ve been much more willing to give out free passes because I have learned that everyone is struggling with something and just because I’m not privy to the exact nature of the struggle doesn’t mean I shouldn’t extend the curtesy of compassion anyway.

All of these lessons come out of the fire of refinement and so does the development of character. The lessons can be painfully learned or easily applied. They can be had begrudgingly or welcomed with open arms. Either way, they will be learned. And if you miss the lesson now, believe me, it will keep presenting itself in different ways until you get it. I’d rather try to be a good student but even so I’ve had to see things from many different angles before I could say I’ve learned that specific lesson. We can get so wrapped up in our own stuff that we fail to see those suffering around us. Jesus wants us to love people the way He does and it starts with seeing the need so that we can fill it, come along side it, or point it back to Him.

It’s so weird to say this but cancer can heal. I’m living proof of that. I am revived. I am willing. I am excited. I choose life!

Cancer, Character, Christianity, Courage, Personal, Struggle

No Hair, Don’t Care . . .Or Do I?

Sally

As the date for my first chemo infusion swiftly approaches there were some things I needed to consider and a port that needed to be installed. There is a device called the DigniCap Scalp Cooling System, developed in Sweden and used in Europe since the 1970’s, that had finally been approved by the FDA for use in the US in December of 2015. The function of this cap is to keep your hair follicles cold enough that they shrink thereby absorbing less of the chemotherapy medicine which otherwise would kill the follicles, thus the hair loss. This silicon cap worn tight on the scalp is computer-controlled and monitors contact points on the scalp to continually adjust and keep the temperature of the scalp at 32F. There is an hour cooling period prior to the infusion that gets your scalp down to temperature and you wear it through the whole process and continue to wear it for a couple of hours after. They tell you that this devise will greatly reduce hair loss but in the brochure there is a whole lot more to it. For instance, you can’t color or bleach your hair, you can’t use most shampoos or hair products that have chemicals in them, you can’t use blow dryers or curling irons, you can’t tie your hair back in ponytails, and you need to comb your hair with a wide tooth comb several times a day to keep the hair that is falling out from matting with the hair that is still hanging on. This sounds like a nightmare because I’ve been dying my hair for thirty years, I know it’s grey and if I can’t keep up with the dye job it will grow out like a skunk stripe.

I needed to have someone give it to me straight, what the realistic expectation of hair loss is even with the use of this cap. I called up one of the nurses who works the chemotherapy wing and I asked her some really pointed questions. I could tell that she was trained to relay everything in a super optimistic way so I finally had to say, “Listen, I don’t care about the vanity of this situation. I need to know for upkeep and overall results what I can expect from this cap because I am considering shaving my head anyway.” She finally admitted that the cap was originally designed to save hair follicles from permanent damage not necessarily to stop the hair loss during treatment. She said I can still expect to lose up to 50% of my hair. This is information I needed because now it makes more sense for me to do what I can to simplify my hair care and to reduce the shock of handfuls of hair coming out. I decide to have my stylist (who also happens to be my sister) shave my head on all sides leaving a cute amount on top to play with. She did a balayage bleach treatment so that the hair will look more natural and not a stripe if it grows. This was a big deal just because I have long “blonde” hair and I’ve never cut it very short in my life. Here was another hurdle to overcome on my Fearless Journey Into The Unknown.

I think, as women, we tend to find our identities in things external. How we think we look to the world and to ourselves can either give us confidence or make us insecure. We might hide behind things like fashion, hair, makeup or high end bling. I felt empowered by my decision to face hair loss straight on by shaving my head but the minute I stepped out into public I had to face the reality that I no longer looked like “myself” and I could no longer hide behind that false sense of security. I had a really hard time with that person looking back at me in the mirror. She looked so foreign and she looked so masculine. It was hard to be out and about because I felt like people were assuming I might be gay or liberal. Yes, I said it. We, as a society, use looks as a means to stereotype people and it can lead to judgmental assumptions. These assumptions are not necessarily good or bad but they often aren’t true and when we deal with people based off of something that is not true it limits our ability to know them and love them for who they really are. I’m not upset by homosexuality nor by liberal belief systems, but I should be aware that I myself have preconceived ideas of what looks “gay” or “liberal” or whatever and how that effects my ability to accept and love people where they are for who they are regardless of how they present themselves. This is a lesson in love that I didn’t see coming and I’m so grateful for it. I need to learn to see people the way God sees people. I need to see their soul, their heart, their dreams, their hurts, their humanity. I need to see them the way I want to be seen, deeper than the external allows.

I John 4:7-8 NLT “Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.”

I Corinthians 16:14 NLT “And do everything with love.”

Luke 6:32 NLT “If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them!”

John 15:17 NLT “This is my command: love each other.”

God is really working on my heart, melting away a hard shell that has been constricting and deluding me for years. Love is an action and an attitude. It’s an openness that wants to embrace all people for all that they are. It strips away external and embraces eternal (the soul). The only way to win people in this upside down world is to love them. I need that same curtesy, especially now. I’m broken wide open and feel free to freely love for the first time in my life, and I’m thinking of taking the hair one step further by dying it pink. God is good too. That first trip to the grocery store, a woman stopped me in the isle and said that she loved my look and she wanted me to know. I have had a lot of people tell me that this style really seems to embody my real personality and that I really can rock the shave. I have never had so many strangers bless me with compliments in my life. I take this as a hug from God telling me that I am still cute, I’m more than my hair, and He helped bolster my confidence.

**Update, about three weeks after my first infusion treatment the hair started falling out in clumps and handfuls. I have to testify that shaving my head the way I did was very much the right decision for me. It was alarming to see the amounts of hair in my hand and collected around the drain. I am very thin on the sides now. I think this would have been way harder to navigate if I was still trying to hang on to the illusion of hair. It is hard to keep up with the shedding even when I don’t have as much longer hair to worry about.

Books, Character, Christianity, Courage, Forgiveness, Friendship, Personal, Struggle

Courageous

Sally

Recently I was invited to a birthday party, a party that I had wanted to be included in from the first I knew of it’s existence. But as the day and time of the party drew near, my anxiety about having to walk into this party increased. As I let out a deep sigh and bolstered myself into the room, I was struck by the dreaded feeling of not belonging. I instantly relived old hurts of not fitting in, not having a place, not being seen and the humility that comes from a deep secret fear that my being there was a mistake. You see, the room was full of wonderful women, smart women, revolutionary women who fight daily against social injustice, inequality, abuse, racism and mediocrity. Several of the women there are great lovers of humanity, or of God, and at the very least great lovers of life. I can’t say that I’m really a great fit for any of these descriptors thus maybe not a great fit as friendly companionship to these woman. The lie is that I’m not an equally valuable contributor to society nor to the room. I’m just simply me, and a wounded me at that. I mostly wanted to hide. In hiding I could possibly stay protected and maybe in control of my lurking suspicion that at 43 years of age I haven’t made any significant contributions or a lick of positive difference on this planet. The ever present question, “What am I doing with my life?”, is especially loud and clear this evening. The weird thing is I’m surrounded by friends and acquaintances. I “know” everyone at this party from some place of kindness and goodwill in my community or another so why do I feel so alone and so very uninvited when quite clearly I was?

God heard my cry. He always does because He is faithful and He comforted me in that special way He does, through books. One of the friends from the evening sent me a text the very next day about a book she was about to purchase. She had no idea I was struggling nor did she have any inkling that this book would be for me. She was just sharing her next book purchase with me, off the cuff. No surprises here, the title was perfectly appropriate to what I was still processing from the night before. The book was Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa TerKeurst. I promptly bought it myself and what an honest read it was as it put balm and ointment on my fears, hurts and insecurities. Lysa, the author, suggested two fears I might have been wrestling with that night, two fears that lurk in the shadows of every social engagement I have had the courage to expose myself to in the last several years. They are 1. The fear of abandonment and 2. The fear of losing one’s identity. I accept the first fear as my own because I was abandoned by someone I had poured twelve years of love and acceptance into. She was a dear friend who rejected me in an instant when we had our first major disagreement. I believe that her pain was too great for her to overcome and therefore it was easier for her to reject and exile me rather than face it and find ways to heal and reconcile. But even with the insight God has been gracious to give me on the situation, I still have my own personal wounds turned fears to overcome. To look out into that room at that party was to see many potential close friendships that might easily about-face in a nano second if they find something in me that they don’t like because it’s happened before. As Lysa (the author) pointed out, “Things of this world all eventually reveal what incapable anchors they really are.” “Things” for me is actually “people”, and “people” is actually “close-friend”, and “close-friend” is actually someone I experienced a “soul-tie” with and that “soul-tie” when ripped apart naturally took part of my soul away with her. Painful. Very.

As for the part about losing one’s identity, I guess I need to remind myself that it’s my identity in Christ that is truth, not an identity that suggests that what happened in that friendship gone wrong translates into my being a bad friend, a bad person, or someone who has nothing good to offer others. Those are feelings that were born out of brokenness, but as Lysa kindly reminds me,

“Feelings are broken boards. Only truth is solid, unchanging, and stable through and through. Old patterns of thought must be torn out, and a new way of looking at the core of who I am using God’s truth has to be put into place. My identity must be anchored to the truth of who God is and who He is to me.”

My decision is made; I will continue to learn and grow and present the best version of myself to the world and trust that God will bring people into my life who are doing the same. In the mean time, I might be lonely and I might feel unseen and I might not be invited but I am not the sum total of those insecurities. Instead, I am loved by God and I am well on my way to aligning myself with my God given purpose and what/where/and who He has mapped out for me. What I was longing for in the party room that night was connectivity. I long to connect with women who are doing life with the Lord on a more enlightened plain than I’m on because I want to be lifted up, challenged and forced to grow beyond where I currently am. I want to see the world through different perspectives than my own, in ways that unravel my predisposed prejudices and replace them with humbling, God revealed realities I hadn’t considered before. I want to be in safe communion with women who are not intimidated by my fumbling and short comings but who can lovingly show me to myself for the purpose of spiritual growth and mutual celebrations of God’s grace through His discipline and admonishment. These women may or may not be those who were in attendance that night but it doesn’t matter because I’m believing in God’s provision. He will deliver the perfect friendships at the perfect time in line with His refinement and purpose for my life. I will not be captivated by the fear that this loneliness is more than temporary and for a season. I am holding out for the goodness and fulness of His provision as He deems fit. My only obligation is to press on and boldly play my unique note to the world.

One thing I can do while I wait is contemplate and act appropriately on the question Lysa asks;

“Do I walk into situations empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless me?”

I don’t want to be that needy person in the room, the one that needs reassurance and validation to be there. I’d much rather be overflowing with God’s love in a way that I can offer it freely to others rather than needing others to fill up a deficit within myself. Let’s face it, very few people can detect the deficit for what it is in others none the less fill it up to satisfaction. Only God fits into those God-sized holes. But what a refreshment it would be to enter into a social situation with confidence that I’m there to be a blessing to someone rather than with the nervousness of an unmet need looking to be filled.

Lysa brings up another very important factor that rejection tries to steal from us, our hesitancy to trust again. Humans break trust all the time, sometimes on purpose. I trusted that I could be honest with my ex-friend and I was wrong, she trusted that I would never speak up on some subjects that bothered me and she was wrong. This lays fertile ground for the idea that it is absolutely not safe to be vulnerable, transparent or trusting of other human beings no matter how long you have known them or how long you have professed to love them and them you. Lysa describes this well,

“Girls who have the lingering whispers of rejection still echoing in the hollows of their soul rarely feel completely held safe. So they look at gaps of the unknown and hesitate at best. Run away at worst. They crave for life to make sense. They cringe when it doesn’t. It’s unfathomable to take a leap into something as uncertain as air and expect to stay intact. What we see will violate what we know unless what we know dictates what we see.”

God has been whispering so much truth to my soul about my lost friendship that I can finally see it through His eyes. It was a pruning from which significant growth on my part was had. It was a humbling so that I can approach future relationships with more love and grace than ever before. It was reprioritizing so that I can have no other before Him (and also not before my own husband). It was a sure way for Him to draw me to Himself because the pain was so acute and so long suffering (several years have already passed and it still seems like my loss was realized yesterday). She never was my enemy and I refuse to think she is now, it is just a reconciliation that is still waiting to happen and I continue to pray and trust in God to orchestrate it. So naturally I’m gun shy at this friendship thing now. I am reluctant to show my heart to people for fear that they will misunderstand me or worse not care. I have trust issues trying to take hold. But God will not fail me, He will cross the room with me at these parties and He will commune with me in the awkward silences or pregnant stares. He will make me able to withstand another lost friendship should it come to that and He will be diligent in teaching me important lessons through it. He allows me to be me in all my imperfections and so I will be courageous and allow myself to be seen, to be vulnerable, to hold my heart open to the next lovely creature who also wants to be seen and to be vulnerable and to hold open her heart as well. I consciously choose to go first and not let fear weigh me down nor steal my future wherever it might lead and to whomever it might lead. I might not be invited next time, but if and when I am I will be looking to be a blessing rather than one who’s allowing fear to choke the atmosphere out of the party. I’m not the life of the party, never have been, but hey, I’m a great listener.

Books, Character, Christianity, Finances, Friendship, Love, Marriage, Money, Personal, Prayer, Quotes, Uncategorized

Marriage Initiative Take 1

Sally

I was anxious to start this new year, as I am every year, because the idea of a fresh start is so irresistible. I’ve already decided that the focus for positive change this year will be my marriage. I lost a significant friendship a year and a half ago and had some other friendships diminish into the outer layers of life focus and intention and with that I’ve felt a substantial loss and a desire to realign my connectivity to the world and my place in it closer to home and truer to my core values. Is it possible that I could foster a deeper relationship with my husband? A relationship where he could be my best friend and me his? 

I’ve had those “bitch” sessions with many of my friends and family about what our spouses will or won’t do, how they treat us or don’t, if they “get” us or not, and I’ve always dolled out the sage advice, “You can only change you so focus on that”. According to many of the marriage books I’ve read, and even the bible, effecting big positive change in a relationship can come about by making small positive changes in ourselves (accompanied by intensive prayer of course). That seems all nice and cozy attainable in theory but it can also cause some serious counter-cultural panic attacks because let’s face it, we live in a world of “me” philosophy. We are conditioned to think “what about me?” thoughts and to live very selfishly because if WE don’t work hard to look out for OUR own interests – no one will, or so we believe.

I’ll go first. I will take one for the team ladies and gents. I will lay down my pursuit of things that serve me in the effort to find something that will hopefully be life changing for my marriage. I wanted to call this effort the Marriage Experiment but realized that the acronym was then going to be ME and we can’t have that! We are supposed to be laying ME down in all of this so I’m now calling it the Marriage Initiative (which is still “me” in Spanish but we won’t go there). I want to see firsthand what kind of changes I can effect in my relationship with my husband by making changes to myself in my approaches, my words, and my actions. If the changes I see are worthy and sustainable then my hope is to inspire you to look at making similar changes in your relationships so that we all can experience that depth of intimacy we crave and were wired for.

A famous quote by Albert Einstien, “Insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” pretty much sums up a lot of our marriages don’t you think? Many of us think if I just get angrier, if I give less and less, if I stay more silent, if I withhold things – then he will finally notice me and take care of my needs for once. We all keep falling back on these patterns and it’s insanity! If anything, I think it propels us closer to divorce thoughts, fears and realities. I don’t want to go there! I’m only eleven years in with my marriage and I need to make it a good forty or so more. Yes it’s work, get over it. And it’s vulnerability at its finest but let’s face it, nothing worthwhile in this life comes easy and effortless. Luckily, I’ve already read Brene’ Brown so I’m feeling fairly equipped for those terrifying moments of being transparent, vulnerable, wholehearted and seen (I realize there will be many of those moments along the way).

To get the conversation started, the first thing I did was sit down with my husband and ask him to take an intimacy test/questionnaire with me. I won’t lie, it took prayer and lots of prodding to get my husband to participate. But, I told him that I wanted to work on some things and I pointed out how he would directly benefit from this exercise if only he would answer a few questions. 40 Forms of Intimacy: Integrating Daily Connection Into Your Couple Relationship written by Alexander Avila, was a very helpful guide in establishing a starting point. Avila helps you take a close look at what your personal connections with your partner are and he identifies forty different types of connections we can sustain in a marriage. John (my husband) and I took the “Personal Intimacy Inventory” spelled out in the book. At each type of intimacy (and no, we are not talking all things sexual – there are many other types) you ask each other did we have this at one time, do we have it now, or do we want it or want to maintain it for the future of our marriage. Some things are more important to me and some more important to him and this helped give us insight into what we both would consider enriching to our relationship.

One of the top ones John pointed out that he would like me to work on is (and if you’ve read any of my previous blogs this won’t come as a shock) Financial Intimacy. It is defined by Avila as “experiencing a sense of closeness while earning, saving, spending, giving and investing together”.  Yikes. I feel like closeness is a two-way street. I might be more willing to save if I knew what we were saving for, if I felt like I was part of a team working toward a common and exciting goal. Investing is something my husband does in a private and undisclosed way, can I be made privy of all that and be part of those decisions? I sense that when he says he wants financial intimacy he really means he just wants me to not spend money and not ask money questions. This typically would be an impasse for us but maybe, just maybe, it is an opportunity for me to make small changes that would hopefully effect the bigger picture and draw us to real intimacy in that area of our relationship. But what to do?

Here is my game plan. First, I have to be willing to show up and be vulnerable in the conversation. Money talks bring up a lot of old Daddy issues for me and typically set off triggers that compute into intense feelings of shame. If we are going to get intimate on this subject I’m going to have to be able to stay in the room regardless of my feelings of discomfort. I will remind him that I have difficulty with this subject matter and ask him to be mindful of my fight or flight instinct. Next, I need to make the first move toward meeting his financial needs by intentionally not spending excess money. If I can show him my diligence in this maybe he will be able to take me seriously on other money subjects, like making a plan for our kids college future, trusts, or financial investment strategies. Finally, I will be praying for God’s help in this.I will ask Him for wisdom, self-control, and a softness between my husband and I so that we can move forward in financial unity. It’s an experiment remember, so give me some time to implement my plan and I’ll check in with progress (good and bad) as I stay committed to the process. Help me Jesus!

Books, Character, Christianity, Fitness, Missions, Personal, Prayer, Pride, Struggle

To Walk the Walk

Sally

I’ve been down (although not completely out).  It seems that I continue to have a lot to learn about perseverance and staying on the path.  Summer tends to do this to me.   If I don’t have a schedule then I completely derail.  I continue to go on a crash course until I can’t stand myself or my kids one second longer and then I finally remember what the answer is, cling to God!  I cannot do it on my own, I never have been able to and I don’t expect to be able to for eternity.  I need to remember my dependence and embrace it like my life depends upon it because, well it does.

I had a mini-break down and got on my knees in full on confession.  Of course, I instantly felt better.  I suddenly had hope again because I realized that God was going to see me through.  The reality is He never left me; I was hiding from Him and from myself.  Why do I do this?

One thing I was recently made aware of is that I have some issues with fear.  I would never say that I was afraid of much before.  I don’t care too much about what people think of me, I have learned to not be fearful of my children’s future or my husband’s God –status.  I am not afraid of death or the future and money never had my heart.  None the less, I have discovered a lack of willingness to live my life to the fullest and I think it stems from fear.  I suspect it could be fear of the hard work required to crucify the flesh and finish something (obedience falls in there too).  I have been made aware of some strongholds in my life and how I might have left a door open to the enemy, giving him some dominion in my home.  Not good.

I need to be set free (again).  The first step to freedom is identifying what areas have been taken by strongholds and identifying what they are.  According to Robert Morris, in his book titled Truly Free: Breaking the Snares That So Easily Entangle, a sure sign there might be strongholds and footholds in our life is if we can identify continual and habitual sin.  Sin allows Satan on opportunity to control and influence us.  I would have to say yes, this has been true for me this summer.  My confession is that I have a habit of “numbing” by way of Netflix. It might not seem like sin to an outsider but I’ve learned that sin can be very overt in this way.   I can watch BBC episodes unending (something about those Brits!) and I do – as a means to escape my real life.  I don’t feel like dealing with my boys so then I’m off to my room to watch an episode.  I don’t feel like working out or cleaning or talking to my husband – off to my room to watch.  Sin!  I know that it is a distraction from what I really need to be doing and it keeps me from engaging in the fight and from really living my own life.  It steals, kills and destroys hours of precious life one hour at a time.  Sound familiar?  Sound like a door open for the enemy?  Does to me, and I’m addicted.  I’m being a slave to television not to God and therefore a slave to sin which leads to death and I will tell it to you straight, I have felt dead.  I have opened a door in my life for the enemy and I am a fool to think there won’t be consequences.

Another thing Robert Morris says that points to strongholds are continued illnesses.  I haven’t been sick from a physical standpoint but I have definitely been unhealthy.  I have gained a lot of weight and become very weak.  I can tell my body is breaking down and it is more than just my age starting to catch up to me.  I have developed a fear of working out (notice the word work there?).  I dread it and have been avoiding it for some unknown reason.  I think I have been believing  some lies that suggest  I can’t lose weight, that I can’t stick to a program to completion, that I can’t make my goals and so why try.  I denounce those lies!  If God says that I can do all things through Him then I can, and that includes completing some personal goals for healthy living and an active lifestyle.  I need to trust in what God says about me and what He has planned for me and I need to start embracing my calling which includes a healthy version of me.  Put the oxygen on yourself before helping others right?

The last thing to beware of is what he calls “continued influence”.  Thank goodness I haven’t gone that far off the deep end.  I don’t do astrology, horoscopes, psychics or the like.  Never have, never will.  I have recently become very sensitive to the idea of the spiritual world and how real it is (another blog) and that is why I am so disappointed that I may have left a door open in my home for the enemy to waltz right in and take me down.

One thing that has been saving me is God’s Word.  I still read my daily digest (as I call it) most every day and catching up when I miss.  This renewal of my mind has been imperative.  For me, it requires a good forty-five minutes of: Jesus Lives and Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, Love Out Loud: 365 Devotions for Loving God, Loving Yourself and Loving Others by Joyce Meyer, Breaking Free Day by Day and Praying God’s Word Day by Day by Beth Moore, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, The One Year Bible NLT from Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Devotions for Sacred Parenting: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Parents and Devotions for a Sacred Marriage: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Couples by Gary L. Thomas, Get Low: Reflections on Pride and Humility by Jack Wisdom and last but not least  65 Promises from God for Your Child: Powerful Prayers for Supernatural Results by Mike Shreve.  Does it seem like over kill?  Well, when you struggle with parenting, pride and love issues it’s not!

Here’s the thing, you can read all you want about God, self-help, God-help, spirituality, what to do, what not to do, etc. and it doesn’t make a bit of difference if you don’t actually apply the principals to your life.  At the very best it can be just another numbing technique (I suspect it has become dangerously close to this for me).  Kind of like feeling skinnier simply because you bought the gym membership or the treadmill.  I need to walk the walk and what I can’t seem to get is that walking actually requires steps to be made.  Not just a wiggle of a toe, not just a comprehensive head nod, or an amen, but an actual step.  And when you string these series of steps upon steps and look back you can finally see that you walked.  Then you realize that you need God to direct these steps so that you are on His chosen path for you and that you do not have the luxury of straying to the left or to the right because He loves you and He knows what ditch, cliff or stronghold waits for you on either side and you learn to trust Him in all things because of a relationship.  And a meaningful relationship with Him can only be developed through consistent prayer and submission.  I realize that I need to be talking to God before I leave the house because that’s where the majority of “steps” take place and I don’t want to be off my path from the get go.

I heard somewhere recently that while faith is an act of worshiping God, fear is an attitude of worshiping Satan.  I do not want to feed my fears, no matter how small and insignificant they might seem.  I do not want to give the enemy the pleasure of stopping me from reaching my potential, my goals and my ministry.  I need to make a series of steps, which make up a walk that show perseverance and a total reliance and trust in my Lord.  I have confessed to you my struggle and now I need a plan.  It starts simple I believe.  It starts with asking God to be with me as I fight the desire to resist working out, resist eating donuts, resist BBC programing.  It starts with noticing a hesitation, a bio-reaction maybe that smacks of fear and moving through that feeling with courage.  It’s when you make it through to the other side that you get to experience that wonder of joy and accomplishment.  That is where I want to live, in the arena with gloves on.  Meet me there!

Books, Character, Christianity, Hunger, Love, Martyrdom, Missions, Money, Personal, Quotes

Dying to Self for the Betterment of Our World

Sally

I have found no better cure for a bad case of the “me’s” then by submerging myself in worldly problems. Suburbia in America is one of the easiest places to hide from the world’s ugly side; the poverty, the injustice, the persecution, the wars and death of every kind. Well, I pulled out some periodicals and documentaries to help me put things in perspective. A magazine that I find very helpful in keeping my mind and heart in tune with true suffering in the world is The Voice of the Martyrs. There are modern day martyrs being tortured, imprisoned, driven into exile and of course killed every day just because they have the audacity to believe in Jesus. This has happened to someone, somewhere today. Did you know that? In America we can worship Satan, our coffee, our money or a rock and no one looks at us twice. Maybe we have forgotten that it is a privilege to have religious freedom and that most humans in the world do not have that privilege. The Voice of the Martyrs does an excellent job of keeping the plights of our fellow human beings in the light. They tell the modern day stories of heroism and martyrdom to anyone who is willing to listen and they offer ways for us to get involved and help. Did you know that there are Christians who mark their ability to trust other Christians by how many times they have been imprisoned for their faith? We need to open our eyes! I encourage you to check it out and add these people to your prayer list. We might not be able to solve all of these political, social or religious problems facing our world today but we know Someone who can and we should ask Him to protect and strengthen His people who are suffering in this way.

Next, I watched a documentary. I have watched many over the years because documentaries are one way to get educated about some of our bigger world issues without a lot of the Hollywood gloss or media bent. This documentary came about because I attended a mandatory training session at my local food bank for the purpose of volunteering there in the future. A Place at the Table was recommended by the food bank administrator as a means to break down the misconceptions about hunger in America. Of course I watched it right away. Here are some disturbing things I found out: Did you know that 50 million people are going hungry in a nation that has more than enough food? Did you know that we willingly spend more on a grande latte at Starbucks then we do for America’s children to eat a healthy lunch provided by our schools? Did you know that obesity is a sister problem driven by poverty because it’s cheaper to buy crappy foods then healthy foods? Working people (not just unemployed people) can not afford to feed their families because their wages are too low for sustainability. New terminologies were introduced to me through this documentary; food insecurity and food deserts. Food insecurity describes millions of people who truly do not know when or where their next meal is going to come from, day in and day out. These people could be your neighbors or your children’s friends. It’s a quiet suffering for most people. Food deserts are places (both rural and urban) where fresh fruits and vegetables are not delivered. I was shocked! Corner store, mom and pop shops, only sell processed and pre-packaged goods. Because of proximity or lack of transportation, long bus rides or gas money, it is difficult for many people to get to a fully stocked grocery store. Now what about me again?

Are you one who feels sad but mostly relieved that this isn’t happening to you? Or is it happening to you? Or, are you like me, who knows that one lost job and this could be my story. Either way, it is uncomfortable to think about. Also, it feels so hopeless. What can I do? Anything I do is a tiny drop in a giant ocean. I loved Ashley Judd’s memoir called All That is Bitter and Sweet. It is so much more than an account of her life. She is very involved in working with organizations and charities to help with heavy world issues. She has seen some horrific human suffering and she has put to words many things that I have felt even though I have not seen nor experienced even an eighth of what she has. She wrote,

“I began hearing a critical voice in my head: I am not doing enough, I need to do more, I have to do more . . . It was mental panic. Shortly, though, my recovery rose up to meet this insanity and call it what it was: selfishness and self-centeredness. I was able to hear all the “I, I, I, I, I” that my ego was shouting, and all the other words receded. To the untrained ear, it might have sounded like compassion and goodwill, to me, it was all about what “I” needed to do, which is “edging God out” (ego) in an attempt to stifle my powerful emotional responses to the things I had seen. I was able to remind myself that all that is asked of me is that I increase my conscious contact with the God of my understanding, ask for knowledge of Her will for me and the strength to carry that out . . . I am cleaning house, trusting God, doing what is in front of me. That is good, and that is enough. I am enough.”

Yes, all this “I, I, I” business, I am so tired of me. If I can be obedient, trust God and do the work that I see in front of me, then for now, that should be enough. But here is another issue, judging the people who have the problem. Dr. J. Larry Brown, author of Living Hungry in America, said in the same documentary,

“We sort of have this love/hate relationship with poverty and the poor. On the one hand, you know, we have a wonderful history of helping others and a lot of good rhetoric. Bring us your struggling masses yearning to be free, this is the land of opportunity and we care about one another. And we do, in many ways. But our care is always predicated on the fact that we’re worried that somebody else is getting something for free or something they don’t deserve.”

As I walked out of my food bank training, I saw a family of women (four generations) hop out of an expensive SUV with their cell phones to their ears. They walked to get front spots in line for when the food bank opened. Did I take mental pause? I admit that I did. Was I worried that somebody was getting something for free that maybe they didn’t deserve? Yes, and immediately that made me part of the problem. God says judge not that you be not judged (Matthew 7:1,2). In What Difference Do it Make, written by Ron Hall, Denver Moore, and Lynn Vincent, Ron reminds me,

“We are judged by our compassion, how we live our lives, not by how Joe ultimately lives his. God commands us to love, not to calculate the end game. It is only when Joe is loved without strings that he is set free to (eventually) turn a corner and voluntarily become accountable to those who have placed faith in him.”

There is that word again, love. I need to work on that. I need to love in ways that require absolutely nothing in return. Denver Moore, once a homeless man himself, writes,

“. . . even if you bless some needy person just a little bit, God might use other folks down the line to weave your little gift into a bigger blessin. And if you bless folks, you gon’ get the blessin back, no matter what they does with the money. So you give the gift with no strings attached, and let God take care a’ business on the other end.”

I need to let God take care of His business and mind my own. When I get to heaven and I have to be accountable to God for the way I lived my life, I don’t think He is going to say, “Sally, why did you give food and time and money to your local food bank? Didn’t you realize that there were people lined up there taking advantage of the system?” No, I can’t imagine Him saying that. But I can hear Him saying to me, “Sally, you really blew it. Your pride and circumstance clouded your judgment and you sinned against Me and My people in need because you thought you knew something that wasn’t your business to know. You didn’t follow Jesus’ example, Sally, you didn’t love first.” Here is my first important lesson toward loving people better; leave my thoughts and feelings, my criticisms and hurts, my judgments and ideas out of it. Love unconditionally and out of love do the work.

Character, Christianity, Forgiveness, Holy Spirit, Personal, Prayer, Quotes, Words

Grievances

Sally

I hadn’t been able to write a follow up to my Dragon scales problem until now because I was still very much in the middle of it and truly confused about what was causing all of my turmoil. I am feeling much better this week and can finally see some things with clarity. I still do not understand all of the in’s and out’s of what was bothering me but what I have come to understand I will share with you now.

First off, I must confess that I was spiritually “coasting”. I had my feet off the biblical pedals and when things started to head up hill I didn’t have the oomph to get through because I had left my power source turned off. I don’t know why I wasn’t reading my daily bible or why I stopped talking to God regularly. I wasn’t mad at Him or trying to ignore Him in my life, I was just tired. I lost sight of the fact that especially when we are tired and discouraged we need to stay connected to God.

Also, smack dab in the middle of these past few weeks was Easter. I felt very flat and unemotional during this time. Because Easter is to be a holy reminder of a very big event in our Christian heritage, my level of disconnect was alarming to me. Jesus died on the cross for me and here I was pouring candy down my gullet in a way a severe alcoholic might pour whiskey down theirs. Having recently acknowledged a possible sugar addiction and just coming off a 10-day sugar detox, I saw this as a symptom of deeper stuff going on as well. My flesh was screaming at me.

Another thing, whenever I bowed my head to pray at church or in my prayer group, tears just poured out of my head. I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel angry, I didn’t have anything on my mind even. I was having an overwhelming physical response to what my spirit must have been feeling. Was my spirit grieving?

Luckily I happened to listen to one of Joyce Meyer’s programs on television. It really spoke to my heart and clued me in on some things that were going on, some sins that were eating at me. I ritually watch her program while I put my makeup on for the day, except not these last few weeks. Again, I was coasting. But for some reason I did watch this one. That reason, I believe, was because I needed to watch it.

Joyce was preaching directly to the subject of grieving the Holy Spirit. She said,

“I went to church for many years, I never understood the power of my words, did not understand them at all, therefore I just said what I wanted to, anytime I wanted to, and I was just constantly grieving the Holy Spirit and opening doors for the enemy in my life and didn’t even know it.”

Check and check. She points us to Ephesians 4:30 (NIV is my version) where it says,

“And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”

I remember this.  I know you shouldn’t grieve the Holy Spirit but what I didn’t remember or know is what Joyce points to a few minutes later – verses 29 and 31! Verse 29 says,

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

And verse 31 says,

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”

Yes, it is my words that are causing me trouble.  I know I over share.  I tell too much information to all the wrong people. I occasionally will cuss and exaggerate. I sometimes have subtle forms of malice in my heart and what is in my heart my mouth eventually speaks (Matthew 12:34).  I need to be very careful that what I say is helpful according to other people’s needs. It needs to benefit those who are listening to me. That guideline alone will cut my conversations to an absolute minimum. I need to think hard before I open my mouth and I need to stay in touch with God continually for His help in this area because it is proving to be very hard.

Looking back over these past few weeks I wonder how I got so easily sidetracked. I marvel at how fast the enemy can use those moments of weakness to stage a full frontal attack. As Joyce also pointed out, our words can either speak life or death. I have been speaking death! I feel terrible that I have been speaking “death” over probably a truck load of people because my words were of this world’s standard and not God’s. This has become a very strong conviction for me. I think I will need to implement a word fast. I will limit myself to uplifting conversation, to conversation that is necessary, holding myself not to speculation but only to absolute truth. I am hoping that this will allow the Holy Spirit to freely work within me and to give me the power I need to finish the race, not to give up and be discouraged as I have done.

I will end with King David’s song from Psalm 51 because I felt such a kinship to his words. David is writing of his sorrow resulting from his sin with Bathsheba and because my own self-condemnation has been so heavy upon me of late I really felt his words.

Psalm 51:1 – 17 (NIV)

Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love, because of your great compassion, lot out the stain of my sins.

Wash me clean from my guilt, purify me from my sin.

For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night.

Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just.

For I was born a sinner- yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.

But you desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there.  Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me- now let me rejoice.

Don’t keep looking at my sins.  Remove the stain of my guilt.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.  Renew a loyal spirit within me.

Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.

Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you.

Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.

Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you.

You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.  You do not want a burnt offering.

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.  You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

 

Books, Character, Christianity, Quotes

Dragon Scales

Sally

I have been feeling really disconnected from myself lately and I haven’t been liking me very much. There is this yucky feeling lurking inside that suggests I’m becoming a lot like someone I personally wouldn’t be friends with. When I try to identify what it is that’s changed it feels elusive like some possible erosion of character has occurred or some essential value has been drowned out. It reminds me of what Charles R. Swindoll describes in his breakthrough portion, “Put an End to the Downward Spiral”, taken from Dr. Bruce H. Wilkinson’s book 30 Days to Experiencing Spiritual Breakthroughs (a great book to keep on hand and read periodically),

“Ever so slightly, invisible moral and ethical germs can invade, bringing the beginning stages of a terminal disease. No one can tell by looking, for it happens imperceptibly. It’s slower than a clock and far more silent. There are no chimes, not even a persistent ticking. An oversight here, a compromise there, a deliberate looking the other way, a softening, a yawn, a nod, a nap, a habit . . . a destiny. And before we know it, a chunk of character falls into the sea, a protective piece of bark drops onto the grass. What was once “no big thing” becomes, in fact, bigger than life itself. What started with inquisitive innocence terminates at destructive addiction.”

Exactly. What of my character fell off into the sea? What piece of my own bark has dropped onto the grass? I’m not sure what but I do know that it has and I need to turn back.

As is typical for me in these types of life crisis, I ran across a book. I really didn’t run across it, it was a book hot off the presses that I felt I would give a quick perusal of just out of curiosity. A book I would read to say that I’d read it but not because I thought it would have anything of depth to offer me. When I say “of depth” you need to know that I have been doggy paddling in books like, The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and God’s Politics by Jim Wallis. Let me digress a minute because speaking of The Screwtape Letters, I did run across a few passages that loudly clanged the warning bell confirming I have gone astray. C.S. Lewis writes through a character named Screwtape who is a senior devil of sorts and Screwtape is advising his nephew, Wormwood, who is an apprentice to the devil’s work. Screwtape corresponds with Wormwood by a series of letters discussing the particulars on how to manipulate a Christian into walking away from The Enemy (Jesus) right into the hands of Our Father Below (Satan). He writes,

“He will be silent when he ought to speak and laugh when he ought to be silent. He will assume, at first only by his manner, but presently by his words, all sorts of cynical and skeptical attitudes which are not really his. But if you (Wormwood) play him well, they may become his. All mortals tend to turn into the thing they are pretending to be.”

Ouch. Who am I pretending to be? And then this,

“If this succeeds, he can be induced to live, as I have known many humans live, for quite long periods, two parallel lives; he will not only appear to be, but actually be, a different man in each of the circles he frequents.”

This is a truth for me. I feel like a chameleon whom changes colors, for better or worse, according to the backdrop presented me by the people around me. Finally,

“Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one – the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.”

Yes, I get it. I am on a gentle slope but this one has a downward slant to it. I don’t mean Hell because I know that I am saved through Jesus Christ but I do mean a downward slant away from the joyful life of fulfilling the purpose that was set for me by my Father in Heaven. Jesus will let me choose the downward slant but I don’t have to because He has given me a signpost that will point me toward the better way, the Bible. When I read it, it convicts my heart. His truth washes all the colors away leaving me white and whole again, fully me again.

So, back to this illusive book I was talking about earlier. My pastor at the church I attend, Jim Burgen, just published his book called No More Dragons and this is the book I picked up to quickly peruse. (Again, nothing in my life is a coincidence) Jim opens his book with his testimony and the main focus of his testimony comes from a story written by none other than C.S. Lewis out of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader in The Chronicles of Narnia. This is a story of a boy who basically wakes up to discover that he has become a dragon, a monster, and he is trying to find a way to transform back to becoming himself again but he can’t do it alone. Eventually, a great lion comes along and does it for him. Quoted from The Chronicles of Narnia and No More Dragons,

“Sleeping on a dragon’s hoard with greedy, dragonish thoughts in his heart, he had become a dragon himself.”

Jim identified with the boy turned dragon and I too was identifying with this “turned dragon” concept. I see some scales showing when I look in the mirror. So, I was immediately sucked right in to what Jim had to say. He starts by saying,

“We have to learn which path will make us the people God wants us to be and which path will awaken the dragon.”

I realize that but how? And what about all the condemnation I feel in my heart. My shameful, “here we go again Jesus” look toward heaven. Does He still love me and will He help me? That’s where the book got really good. I mean tears good. Because tears for me mean I am already starting to heal. Jim started talking about how Jesus never gives you what you deserve but only what you need. That Jesus doesn’t want anything from us but only something better for us. Pastor Jim reminded me,

“Through Jesus, and only Jesus, you can be un-dragoned. You can be free again. You can have hope, joy, and a full life.”

Why is this such a hard concept for me to hang on to? Why do I need the constant reminder to cling to Jesus and His teaching. I need to let His love and forgiveness wash over me (to the bone) and start again. Thanks so much Pastor Jim, for the reminder and the Me Too concept! Because, yeah . . . me too.

And I’m only on Chapter 3. So, I’ll be back.