To Chemo or Not to Chemo

You know that old cliché; “How do you eat an elephant?” . . . . “One bite at a time.”

This is what the battlefield of cancer looks like, wait and then do the next ugly thing, sort of one bite at a time.

The next thing I needed to do after finding out my diagnosis was get an additional surgery to remove more of the breast tissue insuring clear margins and also to have my sentinel lymph node removed. But I wasn’t sure if I needed a mastectomy or even a double and I didn’t understand what the genetic testing they had me do was going to indicate. My surgeon was rushing me along, putting me on her schedule for surgery right away but I hadn’t even seen an oncologist yet. She had ordered the genetic testing to be done but I had no one to advise me about the results. So, I found an oncologist and had a couple of visits with him, each one leaving me without satisfactory answers to what I thought were easy questions. For example, why am I only at 5% risk of reoccurrence in either breast indicating that I do not need a mastectomy? When my genetic tests came back I was “negative” and yet we know that I am 100% capable of making breast cancer, cause I have it. [Just a little side note, I find it very interesting that they want every cancer patient to do a genetic test and all they are testing for is Jewish heritage that produces BRCA 1 or BRCA 2. I think there is way more to that cover story than we understand and I think that they use the cancer fear to get access to our DNA more readily than the 23andMe route. Those who are awake will understand my concern. Anyway, I digress.] So, here I am being rushed to a surgery date with no satisfactory answers to easy questions. What do I do? I stop everything. I cancel my surgery, I make a second opinion appointment with a new surgeon and a new oncologist and I reach out to anyone who will talk to me about their experiences and their understanding of what genetic testing provides. You feel pressure to get things rolling but if you don’t know what the right decisions are how can you proceed?

The minute we stepped into the new surgeon’s office things felt right. When the surgeon met with us she was also joined by – wait for it . . . . The new oncologist! It’s a miracle, a collaboration of both expertises so that ALL questions can be answered and a team approach can be had. We had more information, just in brochures alone, within the first ten minutes of being on their campus than all the hours of visits with my first doctors. A plan was made and understood, I would not need a mastectomy but just additional removal of tissue at the effected area to insure clear margins and then followup radiation. I was classified as Stage 1 cancer and they had no reason to believe it had time to spread to my lymph nodes but I would need to have the sentinel lymph node removed and tested just to be safe.

A week later, I report for surgery bright and early and hungry. First, I have to have a radioactive dye injected into the breast area that has the mass so that the dye can travel to the nearest lymph node indicating the node that needs to be removed and tested. Also, I needed a wire placement by ultrasound to show the surgeon where the remaining mass is located. The surgery was scheduled for 2 pm but they didn’t actually start on me until 7 pm. My husband and I sat in the surgery preop area all day. A woman to my left was there to have a double mastectomy and I was thankful that this was not part of my journey. A boy across the way had shot himself in the eye with a BB gun. I thought that only happened to Ralphie! My heart went out to him because I could tell he was very nervous about his surgery. A man a few curtains down was having his umpteenth surgery in a long history of failing health. Sitting there all day watching the people come and go, I realized just how insulated I’ve been. There are millions of people in this world who are dealing with very serious health crises and begging for an answer, a miracle of their own. We have giant pharmaceutical facilities and expansive health campuses dedicated solely to cancer to prove it. Cancer is taking over the world and there isn’t a cure yet? It’s certainly weeding out our population at an alarming rate. We do our best don’t we? We drink filtered water, we buy and eat organic and non-GMO foods, we exercise, we do detox’s, we limit our sugar, we take natural supplements, we see Natural-paths, sometimes we go vegan or vegetarian, we juice, and yet we still get sick. Why?

A successful surgery behind me, I go back about my business. Again a week later there’s bad news, it’s in my lymph node. This is a surprise. The surgeon said that the node looked healthy when she removed it but upon dissection it too has been affected. Back to the oncologist I go. I’m still considered to be at Stage 1 but they are now recommending the dreaded and hated chemotherapy. Because of my age, my type of cancer, that it’s estrogen positive, and a bunch of other factors I’m not clear on, I am faced with another hard decision, to chemo or not to chemo. Now, I will tell you I believe at this point that I am actually cancer free. I believe that what wasn’t removed by surgery is removed by God and maybe some radiation treatments. I’m not wanting to take the poison route, I want to get off the train. They said that if I do not do the chemotherapy I have a 6% chance of recurrence in the next ten years but if I do I will have less that 1% chance of recurrence. 6% sounds fine to me, I mean, I had a 5% chance of it coming back in my breast and I opted to not have a mastectomy. These odds are good right? Not according to John they weren’t. He doesn’t believe in God’s mighty abilities. He doesn’t want to be nervous every year waiting to see if something has returned. He wants a guaranteed solid bill of health, a <1% chance. He said that it is my responsibility to him and the boys to go all the way in this. He would be angry with me if it came back and metastasized in ten years when I had the opportunity to be rid of it now. And there we are, another hard decision to make.

The religious spirit was putting in his two cents, if you do chemo then you don’t really believe in God’s healing. The faith side of me was wondering, what’s the point of having a cancer diagnosis if you aren’t going to go all the way – are you afraid and why? Continuing on this path could prove to be a very powerful witness to John and those who know me. I decided that this would need to be a mutually agreed upon decision between husband and wife and that if John insisted on it I would go forward with chemo. We are “one” in marriage and my body is his just as his is mine. I had to wrestle with the spirit of fear again. Chemo is nasty stuff. They basically control kill you with poison and a gambit of other powerful drugs to counter act each other. This is the best “cure” we have available right now and I am choosing to be thankful for it because it has saved a lot of people’s lives. But, I’m looking at some dark days ahead and there is no clear understanding how my body will react or what my side effects might be. I have to take another step of faith on this Fearless Journey Into The Unknown.

As I made this decision, several things came together that brought me a peace and a strength. The miracles of Jesus started to show up and that’s when I knew that I was doing the right thing, not necessarily for healing of cancer but for healing of everything and everyone that is part of my story. See, this is how Jesus works. He wants EVERYONE!

My journey has turned into a testimony that I am blessed to share with you in the coming days.