To Walk the Walk

I’ve been down (although not completely out).  It seems that I continue to have a lot to learn about perseverance and staying on the path.  Summer tends to do this to me.   If I don’t have a schedule then I completely derail.  I continue to go on a crash course until I can’t stand myself or my kids one second longer and then I finally remember what the answer is, cling to God!  I cannot do it on my own, I never have been able to and I don’t expect to be able to for eternity.  I need to remember my dependence and embrace it like my life depends upon it because, well it does.

I had a mini-break down and got on my knees in full on confession.  Of course, I instantly felt better.  I suddenly had hope again because I realized that God was going to see me through.  The reality is He never left me; I was hiding from Him and from myself.  Why do I do this?

One thing I was recently made aware of is that I have some issues with fear.  I would never say that I was afraid of much before.  I don’t care too much about what people think of me, I have learned to not be fearful of my children’s future or my husband’s God –status.  I am not afraid of death or the future and money never had my heart.  None the less, I have discovered a lack of willingness to live my life to the fullest and I think it stems from fear.  I suspect it could be fear of the hard work required to crucify the flesh and finish something (obedience falls in there too).  I have been made aware of some strongholds in my life and how I might have left a door open to the enemy, giving him some dominion in my home.  Not good.

I need to be set free (again).  The first step to freedom is identifying what areas have been taken by strongholds and identifying what they are.  According to Robert Morris, in his book titled Truly Free: Breaking the Snares That So Easily Entangle, a sure sign there might be strongholds and footholds in our life is if we can identify continual and habitual sin.  Sin allows Satan on opportunity to control and influence us.  I would have to say yes, this has been true for me this summer.  My confession is that I have a habit of “numbing” by way of Netflix. It might not seem like sin to an outsider but I’ve learned that sin can be very overt in this way.   I can watch BBC episodes unending (something about those Brits!) and I do – as a means to escape my real life.  I don’t feel like dealing with my boys so then I’m off to my room to watch an episode.  I don’t feel like working out or cleaning or talking to my husband – off to my room to watch.  Sin!  I know that it is a distraction from what I really need to be doing and it keeps me from engaging in the fight and from really living my own life.  It steals, kills and destroys hours of precious life one hour at a time.  Sound familiar?  Sound like a door open for the enemy?  Does to me, and I’m addicted.  I’m being a slave to television not to God and therefore a slave to sin which leads to death and I will tell it to you straight, I have felt dead.  I have opened a door in my life for the enemy and I am a fool to think there won’t be consequences.

Another thing Robert Morris says that points to strongholds are continued illnesses.  I haven’t been sick from a physical standpoint but I have definitely been unhealthy.  I have gained a lot of weight and become very weak.  I can tell my body is breaking down and it is more than just my age starting to catch up to me.  I have developed a fear of working out (notice the word work there?).  I dread it and have been avoiding it for some unknown reason.  I think I have been believing  some lies that suggest  I can’t lose weight, that I can’t stick to a program to completion, that I can’t make my goals and so why try.  I denounce those lies!  If God says that I can do all things through Him then I can, and that includes completing some personal goals for healthy living and an active lifestyle.  I need to trust in what God says about me and what He has planned for me and I need to start embracing my calling which includes a healthy version of me.  Put the oxygen on yourself before helping others right?

The last thing to beware of is what he calls “continued influence”.  Thank goodness I haven’t gone that far off the deep end.  I don’t do astrology, horoscopes, psychics or the like.  Never have, never will.  I have recently become very sensitive to the idea of the spiritual world and how real it is (another blog) and that is why I am so disappointed that I may have left a door open in my home for the enemy to waltz right in and take me down.

One thing that has been saving me is God’s Word.  I still read my daily digest (as I call it) most every day and catching up when I miss.  This renewal of my mind has been imperative.  For me, it requires a good forty-five minutes of: Jesus Lives and Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, Love Out Loud: 365 Devotions for Loving God, Loving Yourself and Loving Others by Joyce Meyer, Breaking Free Day by Day and Praying God’s Word Day by Day by Beth Moore, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, The One Year Bible NLT from Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Devotions for Sacred Parenting: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Parents and Devotions for a Sacred Marriage: A Year of Weekly Devotions for Couples by Gary L. Thomas, Get Low: Reflections on Pride and Humility by Jack Wisdom and last but not least  65 Promises from God for Your Child: Powerful Prayers for Supernatural Results by Mike Shreve.  Does it seem like over kill?  Well, when you struggle with parenting, pride and love issues it’s not!

Here’s the thing, you can read all you want about God, self-help, God-help, spirituality, what to do, what not to do, etc. and it doesn’t make a bit of difference if you don’t actually apply the principals to your life.  At the very best it can be just another numbing technique (I suspect it has become dangerously close to this for me).  Kind of like feeling skinnier simply because you bought the gym membership or the treadmill.  I need to walk the walk and what I can’t seem to get is that walking actually requires steps to be made.  Not just a wiggle of a toe, not just a comprehensive head nod, or an amen, but an actual step.  And when you string these series of steps upon steps and look back you can finally see that you walked.  Then you realize that you need God to direct these steps so that you are on His chosen path for you and that you do not have the luxury of straying to the left or to the right because He loves you and He knows what ditch, cliff or stronghold waits for you on either side and you learn to trust Him in all things because of a relationship.  And a meaningful relationship with Him can only be developed through consistent prayer and submission.  I realize that I need to be talking to God before I leave the house because that’s where the majority of “steps” take place and I don’t want to be off my path from the get go.

I heard somewhere recently that while faith is an act of worshiping God, fear is an attitude of worshiping Satan.  I do not want to feed my fears, no matter how small and insignificant they might seem.  I do not want to give the enemy the pleasure of stopping me from reaching my potential, my goals and my ministry.  I need to make a series of steps, which make up a walk that show perseverance and a total reliance and trust in my Lord.  I have confessed to you my struggle and now I need a plan.  It starts simple I believe.  It starts with asking God to be with me as I fight the desire to resist working out, resist eating donuts, resist BBC programing.  It starts with noticing a hesitation, a bio-reaction maybe that smacks of fear and moving through that feeling with courage.  It’s when you make it through to the other side that you get to experience that wonder of joy and accomplishment.  That is where I want to live, in the arena with gloves on.  Meet me there!