I have been feeling really disconnected from myself lately and I haven’t been liking me very much. There is this yucky feeling lurking inside that suggests I’m becoming a lot like someone I personally wouldn’t be friends with. When I try to identify what it is that’s changed it feels elusive like some possible erosion of character has occurred or some essential value has been drowned out. It reminds me of what Charles R. Swindoll describes in his breakthrough portion, “Put an End to the Downward Spiral”, taken from Dr. Bruce H. Wilkinson’s book 30 Days to Experiencing Spiritual Breakthroughs (a great book to keep on hand and read periodically),
“Ever so slightly, invisible moral and ethical germs can invade, bringing the beginning stages of a terminal disease. No one can tell by looking, for it happens imperceptibly. It’s slower than a clock and far more silent. There are no chimes, not even a persistent ticking. An oversight here, a compromise there, a deliberate looking the other way, a softening, a yawn, a nod, a nap, a habit . . . a destiny. And before we know it, a chunk of character falls into the sea, a protective piece of bark drops onto the grass. What was once “no big thing” becomes, in fact, bigger than life itself. What started with inquisitive innocence terminates at destructive addiction.”
Exactly. What of my character fell off into the sea? What piece of my own bark has dropped onto the grass? I’m not sure what but I do know that it has and I need to turn back.
As is typical for me in these types of life crisis, I ran across a book. I really didn’t run across it, it was a book hot off the presses that I felt I would give a quick perusal of just out of curiosity. A book I would read to say that I’d read it but not because I thought it would have anything of depth to offer me. When I say “of depth” you need to know that I have been doggy paddling in books like, The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and God’s Politics by Jim Wallis. Let me digress a minute because speaking of The Screwtape Letters, I did run across a few passages that loudly clanged the warning bell confirming I have gone astray. C.S. Lewis writes through a character named Screwtape who is a senior devil of sorts and Screwtape is advising his nephew, Wormwood, who is an apprentice to the devil’s work. Screwtape corresponds with Wormwood by a series of letters discussing the particulars on how to manipulate a Christian into walking away from The Enemy (Jesus) right into the hands of Our Father Below (Satan). He writes,
“He will be silent when he ought to speak and laugh when he ought to be silent. He will assume, at first only by his manner, but presently by his words, all sorts of cynical and skeptical attitudes which are not really his. But if you (Wormwood) play him well, they may become his. All mortals tend to turn into the thing they are pretending to be.”
Ouch. Who am I pretending to be? And then this,
“If this succeeds, he can be induced to live, as I have known many humans live, for quite long periods, two parallel lives; he will not only appear to be, but actually be, a different man in each of the circles he frequents.”
This is a truth for me. I feel like a chameleon whom changes colors, for better or worse, according to the backdrop presented me by the people around me. Finally,
“Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one – the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.”
Yes, I get it. I am on a gentle slope but this one has a downward slant to it. I don’t mean Hell because I know that I am saved through Jesus Christ but I do mean a downward slant away from the joyful life of fulfilling the purpose that was set for me by my Father in Heaven. Jesus will let me choose the downward slant but I don’t have to because He has given me a signpost that will point me toward the better way, the Bible. When I read it, it convicts my heart. His truth washes all the colors away leaving me white and whole again, fully me again.
So, back to this illusive book I was talking about earlier. My pastor at the church I attend, Jim Burgen, just published his book called No More Dragons and this is the book I picked up to quickly peruse. (Again, nothing in my life is a coincidence) Jim opens his book with his testimony and the main focus of his testimony comes from a story written by none other than C.S. Lewis out of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader in The Chronicles of Narnia. This is a story of a boy who basically wakes up to discover that he has become a dragon, a monster, and he is trying to find a way to transform back to becoming himself again but he can’t do it alone. Eventually, a great lion comes along and does it for him. Quoted from The Chronicles of Narnia and No More Dragons,
“Sleeping on a dragon’s hoard with greedy, dragonish thoughts in his heart, he had become a dragon himself.”
Jim identified with the boy turned dragon and I too was identifying with this “turned dragon” concept. I see some scales showing when I look in the mirror. So, I was immediately sucked right in to what Jim had to say. He starts by saying,
“We have to learn which path will make us the people God wants us to be and which path will awaken the dragon.”
I realize that but how? And what about all the condemnation I feel in my heart. My shameful, “here we go again Jesus” look toward heaven. Does He still love me and will He help me? That’s where the book got really good. I mean tears good. Because tears for me mean I am already starting to heal. Jim started talking about how Jesus never gives you what you deserve but only what you need. That Jesus doesn’t want anything from us but only something better for us. Pastor Jim reminded me,
“Through Jesus, and only Jesus, you can be un-dragoned. You can be free again. You can have hope, joy, and a full life.”
Why is this such a hard concept for me to hang on to? Why do I need the constant reminder to cling to Jesus and His teaching. I need to let His love and forgiveness wash over me (to the bone) and start again. Thanks so much Pastor Jim, for the reminder and the Me Too concept! Because, yeah . . . me too.
And I’m only on Chapter 3. So, I’ll be back.
Desperately Seeking Sally 